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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think DP’s mum is being cheeky

45 replies

Shootfirstaskquestionslater · 27/05/2018 12:30

Not sure if IABU here or not. I admit I really don’t like my DP’s parents but I tolerate them for his sake. It’s fil birthday soon and mil text my dp yesterday to ask if he had got his dad anything for his birthday he told her he had a card and she’s told him that he has to buy a birthday present which has pissed me off because my dp got nothing for Christmas off them they took the money that he got off his grandma for Christmas and he got noting for his birthday either they had a birthday meal for him which was a take away that dp paid for and now he’s expected to get a present for his dad I know it’s none of my business but it’s really got my back up that they seem to think that they should get presents but my dp shouldn’t maybe it’s just pissed me off because I don’t like them.

OP posts:

chocolateworshipper · 27/05/2018 13:11

If he wants to give his Dad a present, maybe he should book an experience that he is involved with and wants to do! Not saying he should - but just IF he wants to.

Original poster

Shootfirstaskquestionslater · 27/05/2018 13:12

eggcellent you would think that but no they expect presents they just don’t believe in giving any to their son.

GreatDuckCookery I wish he would stop giving them money I will have to speak to him about it.

JessBow no he doesn’t owe them any money they just like taking his money but like they took 90k off this grandma years ago to buy their house and his mum refuses to sell the house until the grandma is dead because she doesn’t want to pay the money back.

realker we will do but I can see that causing arguments.

OP posts:

Annonymiss123 · 27/05/2018 13:14

If his grandmother is alive, I presume his parents are relatively young. Do they work?

Original poster

Shootfirstaskquestionslater · 27/05/2018 13:17

Anothershirtruined your tight there cheeky doesn’t even begin to cover his parents this is only the tip of the iceberg with them. I think a break from them might just do him some good they wouldn’t let him go NC but just a break so that he can see that no one else’s parents are like that. They tried to get me to stop contact with my family said they were toxic it’s them who are toxic they just can’t see it. Thank you I will try and find some books for him to read.

chocolateworshiper thank you that’s a good suggestion I will put that one to him and see what he says.

OP posts:

Original poster

Shootfirstaskquestionslater · 27/05/2018 13:19

Annoymiss123 his grandma is still alive and his parents are in their 50’s his mum works his dad says he does angency work but i’ve not heard about him actually going out to work he just sits at home all day on Facebook.

OP posts:

DarlingNikita · 27/05/2018 13:20

YANBU to find this unpleasant but it is up to him really. Support him if he does ever decide to stand up to them.

Original poster

Shootfirstaskquestionslater · 27/05/2018 13:21

Thank you DarlingNikkita I will do am hoping that he will one day stand up to them he’s getting there slowly with a lot hand holding from me. It’s taken being round my family for him to realise just how bad his parents are.

OP posts:

ltk · 27/05/2018 13:29

Step out of their toxic relationship much as you can. Don't 'carry messages', so if she wants to tell her ds to buy a present, let her know that she needs to tell him directly. Don't pass it on.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 27/05/2018 13:35

I disagree that OP should stay out of family matters - if she ends up marrying him/having kids, it will be an ongoing situation that will affect her too.

MapMyMum · 27/05/2018 13:35

Sounds like my in laws, dh stood up to them then was made out to be the bad guy. We've just stopped giving a sh*t, we give small token presents like smellies or gift vouchers now as theyve made a habit out of gifting us their second handhousehold items that they've upgraded. Try not to let it bother you so much, let dp deal with it his way, but any money given to him should go straight to the bank/savings account so they cant get gold of it anymore if possible. Try and build distance without being obvious

SickofPeterRabbit · 27/05/2018 13:38

Does nobody have a sodding backbone anymore?!?!?!

Op pick up the phone. Call your boyfriends' Mum and tell her how wrong she is! Stick up for your boyfriend!!!!! He obviously is too scared to!

LellyMcKelly · 27/05/2018 13:45

Poundland pens. Job done.

AcrossthePond55 · 27/05/2018 14:34

Since you say 'DP' I assume you aren't married and don't have commingled finances. That's a GOOD thing!

At this point, it's up to your DP to decide what he wants to do for his parents, including buying unreciprocated gifts. He's a fool, but he's entitled to be a fool if he wants.

The caveat to this is that it is your business if you have commingled finances and/or are having to pick up any financial slack because he is spending money on them that he needs to meet his own living expenses. If you live together is he paying his fair share of the household expenses? Are you paying for the lion's share of dates or treats because he doesn't have enough money to pay his way?

The main thing is to remember that only he can change this, you cannot. The only thing you can do is to protect your own financial security. So whatever you do, do NOT marry him, have a child with him, give up your job, become financially dependent on him, or agree to joint finances.

Just out of curiosity, how old is he?

Original poster

Shootfirstaskquestionslater · 27/05/2018 15:01

ltk I have stepped out of it as much as I can. I try my best to leave his parents to him.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds I dread to think how much worse they would get if we got married and had kids.

MapMyMum I get the feeling that it would be who is made out to be the bad guy if my DP finally stood up for himself. They are already trying to drive a wedge between us.

SickOfPeteRabbit I would but that would give her more ammunition to bad mouth me behind my back.

LellyMcKelly haha love it that’s a perfect suggestion.

AcrossthePond55 no we aren’t married and we don’t have joint finances thankfully. If he wants to be a fool and buy gifts for them then that’s on him he knows I think he’s being a fool. Yes we live together which is something that his parents don’t know about we both pay our equal share of all the household bills and stuff. I know I can’t change this only he can and he wouldn’t do anything to rock the boat with them. I would never agree to joint finances I prefer to have my own money and not have to justify what I’m spending it on. He’s 25 although you wouldn’t think it the way his parents treat him.

OP posts:

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 27/05/2018 15:10

This is a lovely example of when its best to totally ignore abusive people and to not allow them any influence in your life.

No reply to text. Post a birthday card.

When the shit hits the fan: a simple head tilt and 'oh, I'm sorry you feel that way. I didn't think we exchanged gifts any longer - did you send something for my Christmas or birthday? Then breezily move on and ignore.

Don't hand them the power. This is how toxic relationships persist.

CloudCaptain · 27/05/2018 15:17

Can you convince your boyfriend to try some therapy or councillors to help him cope with these people? Probably not. 25yo men are often too macho?

AcrossthePond55 · 27/05/2018 17:08

Sounds as if you have your head on straight then Shoot.

But if you feel he isn't going to change, you are not happy with his acceptance of his treatment by his parents, you feel his parents don't like you & do things to cause problems/arguments between you, then it truly begs the question of why are you there?

Set aside 'but I love him' and think about what you want for your future. Do you want marriage? Children? A relationship that doesn't have a good deal of frustration or resentment? A relationship where you don't have to try to school a DP in an appropriate parent/adult child relationship?

One of the hardest lessons I had to learn was that sometimes love is just not enough. You can love someone to distraction, but that doesn't mean that they are good for or right for you. If he's 25 I assume you are around the same age. Do you want to live like this for the next 20-30 years?

And if you're in this relationship 'for the time being' remember that you'll never find 'Mr Right' if you're involved with 'Mr Right Now'.

Just sayin'.

Original poster

Shootfirstaskquestionslater · 29/05/2018 12:32

Thank you everyone I spoke to him he can see where i’m coming from but both of his parents have now moved on to using emotional blackmail to try and get him to go round. His mum seems jealous of the fact that I see him all the time and she hardly ever sees him but that’s how a relationship works think she preferred it when he was single and he seen her all the time.

OP posts:

FizzyGreenWater · 29/05/2018 12:59

I am so sorry but you have to consider what you want your own life and family to look like in the future... and if you stay with him, it doesn't look too rosy.

Blunt. Have kids with and/or marry this bloke and you are dealing with this forevermore... not just because that's the way they are but mainly because that's the way he is - spineless, easily manipulated.

They will be nightmare inlaws, nightmare grandparents. You won't be able to set boundaries because he will let them stamp all over them. Your baby/babies will be his babies too so they'll just go around you and straight to him to get to them, if they are the type to interfere.

Lots of folk have nightmare inlaws and it's fine... because they don't have DPs that give in to them. But if you have a DP who isn't going to be on the same page as you then it's going to be hell.

This family, with your DP being the way he is, is going to be hell.

Just don't do it.

Motoko · 29/05/2018 13:27

Yeah, there are countless threads on here where the OP has spent years, decades even, trying to get their DP/DHs to stand up to the in laws, and getting their boundaries trampled on.

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