Don't want to go back to work

[BlinkingInternet]

Have namechanged. Several weeks ago I was signed off work with anxiety and depression. I hate my job. I hate it so much that everytime I go in it feels like a prison and I'm chained up. I work in retail but the company is going through a lot of changes right now and I'm not coping well with some of them. I've been looking for a new job for months and months but I'm limited in what I can do (because of physical health issues) and keep getting rejected

A few days before I was signed off I disappeared from home one night with the intention of taking my own life. I'd had another long shift and some stuff at home had snowballed into more than I thought I could manage. The police found me crying by a main road in the early hours of the morning. I kept crying at work over the tiniest thing and generally wasn't coping.

Tonight I'm sat in bed crying again because I don't want to go back to work on Monday. It's only for a few hours but even that seems like too much currently. I had a meltdown on the phone to DF earlier in the evening for the same reasons but he doesn't understand. Everytime I think about being back there I imagine a pair of handcuffs tying me to the desk and not being able to escape.

I want to take out a loan so I can leave my job and manage financially until I can get another job but I'm worried about paying it back. Especially if I can't find another job later on..

I can't see a way out. I just want to be normal and be able to do normal things like have a good job and be happy. But nobody else will employ me so I'm stuck

Don't take out a loan!

What support has your employer offered for your anxiety and depression? What is your GP offering you in the way of help? If the answer is nothing, you need to start asking for support.

Don't give up your job, if possible, until you have another one to go to.

It's easy to focus on one area of life and think if only that area was "fixed" it would all be better. But it sounds like there's a lot more to your distress than just the job situation. What else is going on?

Work offered reduced hours. I tried that for a few weeks but it didn't help

I asked the GP for support. He offered counselling. Unfortunately there's a waiting list (like everything on the NHS these days) and the earliest appointment I can get is in June..

I found one job I could apply for when looking earlier. I can't drive a car because of a previous seizure so I have to be able to get to the location on public transport. It has to be part time because I can't manage full time work currently. I have various mental and physical health issues that mean I can't do certain things so I have to be able to do the role itself. All those things combined mean that it's not as simple as get another job I like working and the routine of it, I just hate the job I have now!

Blinking I'm up this early because work has been whirring around my head all night and I've barely slept, please don't feel alone in being so overwhelmed by work as it happens so, so often. The difference for me is that I have been here before and there's no way I'm allowing work to take over my life again. So, I'm currently devising a small plan to make myself feel more in control. I've made a list of all the issues that directly affect me and I'm writing the ideal solution to each next to them. I know that the solutions aren't all likely to happen but it's to convince myself that things do not have to be like this. If there's a solution then I don't feel so trapped. Your MH is the most important thing here and I've found that a lot of advice from well meaning people focuses on keeping work as the main focus until the MH issues 'go away' which is not helpful.

Have a look on a job search for anything that you could do online, you say you're in retail so you must have a lot of transferable skills. If there's nothing there at the minute then have a look at the local shops, go in and ask rather than focusing on advertised jobs. A lot of small businesses don't advertise as it's expensive but if someone ideal comes along then they'll accommodate. There may be some roles which offer training and apprenticeships (which can now be done at any age providing it's a new qualification for the apprentice) if money isn't particularly important.

Another option is something that isn't all year round - teaching assistant posts have fairly short hours compared to 9-5 work, if you've no experience then offer some voluntary hours to a school and then pop it on your CV. With teaching assistants it's very much about personality and suitability for the job, some schools offer training for the official qualifications. Another way in to this is through supply teaching where many agencies have supply teaching assistants.

You feel that there are a lot of variables which will stop you from getting another job but honestly, there aren't. There will be a job out there which will be ideal but it's hard to consider that now because of how trapped you feel. Of course you have to be able to do the role but a totally different role might be exactly what you need, something similar is likely to lead to a similar mindset.

I feel for you OP, I left my career for much the same feelings as you have. I changed my job completely and then stupidly tried to combine my old job and new job which has really damaged my MH again. This is because I felt better and felt that I'd jumped too soon, now I'm mentally drained and a few things have happened in my new job which are really stressful. I'd have been much more equipped to deal with these things if I hadn't burned myself out. I'm pretty annoyed with myself. Sorry I'm now ranting about myself!

I don't think the loan is the best idea unless you have an income to pay it back, in which case you could use it to support yourself if you find you need to take a pay cut for a while. I don't like the idea of a loan but if it was the choice between that and my MH I'd be tempted, but only if it doesn't lead to more problems down the line regarding getting into debt.

Good luck, OP. You will be ok xx

Teaching assistants work 830-430 round here.
Voluntary experience with a view to getting a qualification makes sense but don't go into it thinking it's nice short hours

Yanbu to want/need to leave.
Have a couple days off. Hol if u can or call in sick.

Look for something else. No loans!

Has your GP not prescribed medication?
Have you looked at an appointment wirh the National Careers Service?
www.nationalcareersservice.gov.uk
You can look at your transferable skills and your CV.
I really don't think a loan is a good idea.

Hi OP.
This was me 2 years ago.

Life just became too much and going back to work after taking time off was the one thing that caused me the most distress.

Like you I just wanted things to go back to normal but I could not get past the first hurdle which was stepping back in to my office.

I had spent 6 months at home not participating in life. I had anxiety about the phone, answering the door, the mail everything.

My company were fantastic and let me take the lead.
On my first day back all I had to do was meet my manager in the coffee shop close to work. There was no pressure for me to go in to my building we just met for a catch up on thibgs I had missed.
On my second day we met again in the coffee shop and we walked in to work together. Walking in with somebody else really did help. It did not feel so scarey or like I was being stared at.
I was told I could stay for however long I wanted. I managed 3 hours.
For the rest of that week my manager met me outside and we walked in together.
I managed between 3 and 6 hours per day at work over the course of the week.

For the first 6 weeks I had a weekly chat with my manager about how I was doing.

That support and oppurtunity to be honest about where my head was made such a difference. I was not dealing with everything on my own. It relieved so much stress.

I dont know if my experience would help you at all I just wanted you to know you are not alone.

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who replied to this thread and said kind words. You really helped me to realise that I wasn't alone and things would get better

I managed to go back to my job after another week of being signed off. I've been back for almost 3 weeks now (on reduced hours) and it hasn't been easy. I've had bad days still but I'm getting there slowly. I'm a lot happier and less stressed which helps.