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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To need someone to care

14 replies

Paradisewithrubbish · 26/05/2018 19:09

I'm feeling a bit unsure of myself really... Is it normal to need to know that there's someone who cares about you? I've just finished my first year of university, and I'm still struggling with it a bit. I feel very anonymous and like none of the tutors and lecturers know me. At school at least I knew that, generally, my teachers cared about me as a person and I had the security of knowing they were there to talk to if I needed to, even if I never did. I don't really have a replacement for that and I'm not sure if I'm just supposed to be self-sufficient now or if I'm even more isolated than I thought? I have friends, but they're not really the sort I could talk to if I needed to. AIBU to feel like I need the affirmation of knowing somebody cares about me?

OP posts:

triptrapdollydumpling · 26/05/2018 19:13

Xxx

GreasyHairDoNotCare · 26/05/2018 19:18

Are you staying in halls OP? I know my sister found staying in halls really lonely and is much happier in a house share.

ScreamingValenta · 26/05/2018 19:18

YANBU. Is there not a tutor with specific responsibility for your welfare? It's years since I was a student, but we had a designated person with that role. Do you have any family you can talk to?

pastabest · 26/05/2018 19:18

Well your not unreasonable to feel like you want someone to care about you but you are unreasonable to expect to find that kind of 'care' from academic staff at a university.

I think you will also find that many people don't share your experience of teachers in school either.

Storminateapot · 26/05/2018 19:23

Do you have loving parents? My own DD is headed for uni this year and I care about her more than I could ever tell you. I'd hate for her to feel like that and not tell me. Could you tel your Mum or Dad? Are you going home for the summer? That must be fairly soon.

I think it's partly that you are now in a more grown up world, lecturers aren't there for pastoral care in the same was as school teachers are, so it is a very different environment.

How close are your friends? You probably aren't alone in feeling this if you voice it.

lovelyjubilly · 26/05/2018 19:24

Have you ever been a church-goer? Maybe start attending one local to your university. They may have a member of staff whose job it is to oversee 'student work'.

lovelyjubilly · 26/05/2018 19:28

Sorry, posted too soon.

I started going to church as a student and had a couple of families take me under their wings. They would cook me dinner, let me babysit for their kids and generally care about me. In fact, one of those couples now babysits for my kids and we had them round for dinner on Thursday! They're like family now...

lovelyjubilly · 26/05/2018 19:29

Where in the country are you op?

Original poster

Paradisewithrubbish · 26/05/2018 20:17

It's not that I expect academic staff to play that role. I realise it's not within their remit. It's more that I have realised that I now have a support deficit because obviously they are different to teachers. I'm just not sure how I'm meant to get this filled. I've struggled with loneliness and isolation even when I was at school, so I suppose this just exacerbates it. I do have a personal tutor and was told that I would meet with him several times during first year but in reality the only meeting there was was at the start of the first semester.

I'll be off for summer this time next week... My mum is great but I don't really have the sort of relationship where I'd want to talk to her about things that were upsetting me etc. I'd rather talk to friends about that sort of thing, but at the minute I don't really have that kind of friends either. As I have made most of the friends I have at university, going home will mean that I have even less support.

The friends that I've made seem to already have a close circle of friends at home, while I don't, so even when I've tried to reach out to them, it hasn't really been reciprocated. Unfortunately I'm the sort of person who needs a couple of close friendships over a lot of not so close ones. I'm just sick of being lonely and I hope this won't be how the rest of my life will play out.

OP posts:

Original poster

Paradisewithrubbish · 26/05/2018 20:20

I actually do go to church at home, I haven't really gone to one near my university though. I have tried but haven't gone consistently enough to meet people and gave up in the end because it seemed like everyone had already made their friends and I was too late.

OP posts:

GeeGaw42 · 26/05/2018 20:24

I am really sorry to hear that you feel this way at university- it can be on overwhelming experience in your first year and feeling like you do is not really that unusual. Have you tried contacting the health and well being team? There are also lots of societies usually with the SU - they arent all about sports. They can be about lots of different interests and are genuinely a good way to make friends.

ScreamingValenta · 26/05/2018 20:27

Is there a society for your (broad) religion at the university that you could join - you might meet like-minded friends? The Christian society was very active at my university.

Clinicalwaste · 26/05/2018 20:35

When I started uni I was so lonely and isolated I ended up failing my first year. I did very well in the end and did a msc as well and settled in but it was such a culture shock and life change and I wasn’t really prepared or ready or supported. It gets better op hang on in there.

lovelyjubilly · 28/05/2018 07:38

OP in my daily Bible reading this morning there was a verse that made me think of you. Psalm 68:6 says 'God sets the lonely in families'. I'd really encourage you to give church another try. I know this will take courage but maybe tell someone there how you feel. They will care.
And if you happen to be in Brighton, pm me 😊

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