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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I’ve badly messed up this friendship

24 replies

lamerde · 26/05/2018 15:33

I’ve NC for this.

I have two friends, I’ll call them Emma and Carly. We all hung about in a group together. Emma is very down to earth and trustworthy. Think the type of person who would help in a crisis or who you could confide in. Carly on the other hand is a bit wreckless and far more “out there” than Emma. Not the type of person you would tell something to if you needed it kept quiet. She’s maybe a bit more fun than Emma and lets her hair down more. Anyway, Emma has never been totally keen on Carly. She’s always thought she has a big mouth and is a bit cruel to people. A few months ago at Christmas time Carly was quite horrible to Emma regarding a miscarriage Emma had. Emma decided to put an end to the friendship. She completely ghosted Carly and made it clear any friendship was over.
Carly didn’t seem that bothered and we continued to go out and socialise. I realised that I hadn’t heard from Emma in over a couple of months and contacted her in February to see how she was. I think she was still struggling with the miscarriage and the aftermath and she said she was surprised I hadn’t contacted her.

I haven’t heard from her since and I’m starting to feel really guilty that I kept the friendship with Carly going and didn’t with Emma.

Any ideas how to rectify this?

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 26/05/2018 15:35

Maybe see if Emma wants to meet for lunch or something. Why didn't you contact her more to offer support to her?

DontFundHate · 26/05/2018 15:35

You know what you need to do. Be totally honest with Emma, tell her what you did was wrong, ask if and how you can support her. Are you going to ditch Carly? Do you think she's a nice person?

applesandpears56 · 26/05/2018 15:37

Say sorry to Emma that you weren’t really there for her. Let her know you didn’t support Carly’s comments to her.
Why do you want to stay friends with Carly - she sounds horrible

Original poster

lamerde · 26/05/2018 15:38

@shoxfordian

Shamefully, the time passed quickly and I didn’t realise how long had actually gone by without hearing from her. I also think Carly had been tagging pictures of us on Facebook sonit was clear we’d still be out. I feel really rotten about this and I’m not sure she’ll want to make amends

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 26/05/2018 15:38

If I were you, I would tone it down with Carly, and start seeing Emma more, she sounds really lovely. Ask her out for lunch, invite her over. Give her a call. After what she did to Emma, I don't think I would want to be friends with Carly anymore.

Moominfan · 26/05/2018 15:41

So carly was awful to her when she had a miscarriage and you didn't bother to contact her? I'll try and put this kindly but i think she's got the right idea ghosting both of you. Awful way to treat a friend. If you want to rectify I'd acknowledge your inaction when she needed support and offer a grovelling apology

GirlsBlouse17 · 26/05/2018 15:43

I think you should go and see Emma and tell her how much you value her friendship. Tell her how sorry you are that you realise you haven't been there much recently while she has been struggling with having had a miscarriage. Tell her you are here now to support her as she would do with you.

Is up to you if you stay friends with Carly and you shouldn't gave to choose between two friends. However Carly doesn't sound very nice and I would value Emma's friendship more than Carlys .

UpstartCrow · 26/05/2018 15:44

You'll probably continue to be friends with Carly since you wont want to lose both of them. So its unrealistic to expect things to go back thto how they were before.

If you dont, I think you should apologise with no expectation that she will want to renew the friendship.

Nikephorus · 26/05/2018 15:46

I would send her a card telling her you're sorry etc. And then follow it up with a call / invite for lunch whatever. A card says you've made the effort and gives her something concrete to say you got it a bit wrong in the past, and the call moves things forward into the future. Flowers would be an added bonus, particularly if you sent her favourites.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/05/2018 15:46

I agree Moomin from where I am looking at it, you sided with Carly, and diden't bother with Emma at a time she really needed you, that must have hurt her, and to see the pictures that Carly have tagged of both of you going out. I am not surprised she ghosted you too. If you want a friendship with Emma, and she sounds lovely, I would have less to do with Carly, and start making it up to Emma. Carly sounds awful, there is some truth in what Emma is saying about her. She sounds like she just wants you for the good times, but will not be around for the bad.

Weezol · 26/05/2018 15:50

You have not been in touch to support Emma in five months, even though she's always backed you, but you have been all over FB with Carly?

I'm pretty sure it's Emma that has dropped you.

By all means get in touch and apologise, try to connect but don't have any expectation of things being the way they were before, or even of Emma being receptive to your approach.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/05/2018 15:57

Idk if the friendship is reconcilable. You, however, need to decide what kind of person you are. Are you a bitchy Carly or more of a trustworthy Emma? Right now you look a lot like a Carly from Emma’s perspective. I’m not sure I’d trust you again and you may find she’s decided to end the friendship.

Original poster

lamerde · 26/05/2018 15:58

I’ll send her a message to apologise. I’ve fucked up and I know that.

OP posts:

TheOneWith · 26/05/2018 15:59

I realised that I hadn’t heard from Emma in over a couple of months

I think you mean you realised that you hadn’t bothered with Emma for a couple of months?

I think a really sincere apology is the only thing to do here, although given you’re all over Facebook with Carly, despite knowing what a nasty piece of work she is, it won’t be a surprise if Emma wants nothing more to do with you now either.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/05/2018 16:00

Look op., Emma sounds genuine, Carly does not, think about it!

Orangecake123 · 26/05/2018 16:04

I would send Emma a huge bunch of flowers- but I too dropped friends when I realized that they wouldn't be there for me when I needed them the most so wouldn't blame her if she didn't reciprocate.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/05/2018 16:05

For context, from what you have said op, Carly sounds like one of those, say it how it is people, but really is rude. Very loud and brash, all on the surface and nothing underneath. If I were Emma, I would not want anything to do with you either. You haven't bothered with her in nearly 6 months, despite what she has been through, and how Carly has treated her. Instead you chose to maintain a friendship with Carly, really rubbing Emma Face in it, when she saw all Carly pictures of both of you going out on Facebook. Imagine how she felt. You can try, she might want to keep the friendship, she might not.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/05/2018 16:07

Oh right, it is since February, that you contacted her. But its been a while, before that, you waited from Christmas until February to contact her, despite how Carly treated her, and that she had a Miscarriage. Went out with Carly instead, how hurtful for Emma.

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 26/05/2018 16:33

I would just be honest and admit you were a shit friend but you intend to be better.

eddielizzard · 26/05/2018 16:33

thing is you didn't stand up for emma when carly was horrible so you've nailed your colours to the mast. if you value emma's friendship more than carly's, ask emma to meet for coffee, explain, apologise unreservedly and try to move on.

if emma won't meet up, send her an apology and chalk it up to experience.

i personally would be distancing myself from carly because if she can be horrible to someone who's just experienced a miscarriage, it's only a matter of time before she hurts you too. she shouldn't get away with this awful behaviour.

kateandme · 26/05/2018 17:05

send some bloom and wild flowers.and a letter or email just being really honest and brave with it. telling her how rotten you've been feeling because somehow you've let her down.telling her however its happened you care for her so much and want to step up because you don't want to lose her.that there aren't any excuses for how this happened but you want to get it back.you miss her and care for her and please don't let your behaviour make her think any different.

GirlsBlouse17 · 26/05/2018 17:15

Did you avoid Emma because you didn't know how to deal with her grief after her miscarriage?

Ellendegeneres · 26/05/2018 17:23

My dp talks with me fairly regularly about the kind of people we associate with being the kind of people we end up becoming- because I’ve been a bit of a pushover friend in the past and attracted some really shitty people that want to be my friend and I’ve gone above and beyond for- but when the chips are down for me, they disappear.
I think it’s the ‘if you roll with dogs you’ll get bitten by fleas’ or something. It kind of rings true here.

Everyone else has said what you need to do- and I’d respect you a lot more for it if you did. But tbh 99% of my respect for you would be gone when you didn’t defend or drop the scumbag who was horrible about his miscarriage.

Popc0rn · 26/05/2018 17:59

If I was Emma I'd be very hurt, but probably just try and see it as your loss. Not sure you can fix it tbh, no matter how many apologies you come up with.

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