Its not my fault

[Vivanne]

I was adopted as a baby through neglect. Im sick of people saying to me through the years that i should be greatful. Why should i be greatful tho it was not my fault i was adopted and why do i need to feel lucky about my childhood. It was not very pleasant but thats another thread.

Agree 100% I used to Nanny for a family who adopted a baby from another country. She had been abandoned with shyph and pneumonia!!

I remember one of my ex bosses telling my then Mb how lucky E was to have been adopted and she said “no were the lucky ones to have this little girl in our lives” I always thought that was lovely.

Have you ever considered talking to a therapist? No shame in it, I talked to one to help with my social anxiety and shyness. It helped so much

People say stupid presumptuous things to everyone. It is good to know that they are stupid presumptuous things and you don't have to listen or to care. You don't owe anyone an explanation of your life. They don't have the right to tell you how to feel. They are probably trying to make you feel better, but it doesn't make them right.

Who are the people saying these things?

I think what they are trying to mean in a bad way is that it could have ended much worse, But they are not thinking about other affects such as feeling neglected and abandoned by your birth family, amongst other issues. They are wrong, but it's one of those things where they try to say something helpful and very rarely is.

My dh was adopted, his adoptive mother told him he should be grateful!

But I have heard adoptive parents say: no, it is we who are grateful for our children. It would have been nice if mil could have extended this kindness to her only child.

Well I suppose those people who think you should be grateful for being adopted feel the need to thank their parents on a regular basis for allowing them to be born.

Your adoptive parents adopted you because that's what they wanted to do. I image they wanted a child, they weren't doing it as a favour to you.

In the same way when people have babies they do it because they want to have a child, not as a favour to the baby.

Of course you don't have to feel grateful.

I did observe working with this family that some people get awkward around adoption. I remember going with the Mum and adopted baby to school to watch their bio child in a school concert and one Mum told my then boss how much the adopted child looked like her..
lol she was very clearly Asian whereas my boss and birth child were white blond Americans but I think it’s awkwardness that brings or silly comments. Not malice.

Exactly my nan use to say it to me all the time oh you should greatful etc. Recently a conversation i was having with a friend said i should be greatful. So i said why should i be tho its not like i asked for it to happen

Next time say to your friend “you should be grateful you weren’t abused and neglected for your first 6 months of life!!

Well said pigsDofly just cannot make out why they say it and when i correct them with it they looked shocked. Like you say my adoptive parents wanted children so they adopted as could not have any of there own so adopted my brother and me

I was adopted, from 6 weeks old. I spent many years going through a lot of emotions as I grew up (always knew I was an adopted child).

I learnt that rather than thinking I was unwanted by my birth mum, I was actually very much wanted by my adoptive parents.

I did find my birth mother when i was in my early 40s, and met blood relatives (cousins) and they were the ones who told me I was lucky, as my mother continued her chaotic lifestyle, and my older half brother (her son from a previous relationship who was 7 when I was born) stayed with her after she put me up for adoption had a shit childhood and went no contact with her eventually. I have never been bitter about this as I appreciate it was her only choice really back in 1969 and she wanted a better life for me than she could give (or just didnt want a hindrance on her party girl lifestyle ). So saying I was lucky coming from people who knew what my life would have been like I could take, but I do think people struggle to say the right things when you talk to them. I doubt they mean to upset you.

All the people who've ever said 'you should be grateful' to me were abusive or manipulative assholes.

Yanbu, how fucking rude and insensitive

You have nothing to be grateful for. Your parents were truly blessed to have you. It’s a shame they didn’t realise how precious and special you were / are.

How hurtful. Absolutely mind boggling that people can say that.

I agree, being grateful is not an emotion that you should have to feel. Or rather, you shouldnt have to feel gratitude towards your adoptive parents, as you say, it wasnt something YOU asked them to do for you.

Im sorry that your childhood wasnt pleasant, :( , if circumstances were better, then your feelings would probably be happier about comments but YANBU at all to be upset from what you have posted.

I do think everyone who has good parents should be grateful to them. Not because you were adopted op.

If you had a good childhood you should be grateful to your parents, as should all children regardless of whether they are biological or not. If not, then you have nothing to be grateful for I suppose.

There's nothing lucky about knowing your birth parents didn't want you. Take it from me.

Do people who have a good childhood have to feel grateful. Why? It's the way it should be, surely.

They might very well appreciate their parents and love them for the fact that they were good parents, but gratitude? I don''t see it myself.

I am grateful to my parents for the sacrifices they made to ensure I had more than enough. I am grateful that they were loving and generous parents who showed me that they loved me. I was grateful as I got into my late teens and beyond when they helped me out too.

My daughter's boyfriend was a adopted. He had a lovely life and his mum says that he's the best thing that ever happened to her and her husband.

My daughter's boyfriend was a adopted. He had a lovely life and his mum says that he's the best thing that ever happened to her and her husband.

This is lovely 😊