To ask if my feelings about parenthood are nuts?

[waitingfortheclock]

Name change because this feels pretty touchy – I'm really hoping for some frank insight here – I'm 31 and trying to get my head around the idea of having children or not.

In theory, logically, I'm perfectly ok with anyone's decision on this topic. But when it comes to my own choices, I'm noticing some really strong feelings that I:

a) Don't like (and wouldn't appreciate if I heard someone else say them), and
b) Am not sure aren't just a sign of me being 'messed up' and therefore I shouldn't take them seriously.

Bit of background - I had a bit of a tough childhood; my mother was very depressed as I was growing up and it had a real impact on me as a kid and probably also on my view of what motherhood is like.

And I want to be totally clear that if you have kids, this isn't an attack; I know my feelings aren't 'true' or even rational. But they're there, and I want to deal with them.

I’m now at the age where lots of my friends are having children, and my DP has a DS12, so I’m having something of an insight into what being a parent looks like.

And it’s really that part that’s bothering me – it’s as though in my head, having children is one thing, but being a parent is a different topic.

I see this all-consuming, almost ravenous, gobbling love that parents have for their kids, and rather than finding it a beautiful thing, it almost turns my stomach. It’s like the act of having a child has eaten the person the parent used to be whole, and just left this empty space that can only be filled by the child.

I see a kind of self-important righteousness in a lot of parents too - like having a child is this secret society that makes you better than everyone else, and the world should now rearrange itself around you and your kids because you Had A Child and therefore should come first.

I hear people talk about how getting pregnant and having kids released this hormonal rush that changed everything, and that idea scares me rather than reassures me; that my body would trick me into something that makes no rational sense and would subsume me into a life I wouldn’t have chosen had it not been for a particular chemical combination.

When people ask me if I want kids, I feel worried and angry, and a side of me comes out that’s very unlike me – this sneery defensiveness that takes me by surprise.

I’m scared of losing myself. I’m scared of regretting the decision to have children and the kids I might have noticing that that’s how I feel (this is probably a leftover from my own childhood).

But I’m also scared of letting my own internal bo#%&cks affect a decision that’s really central to so many people’s lives.

And so I’m asking you all, in the knowledge that my own stuff is just my own stuff, if some of this rings true for you? Are my feelings just warped and screwy? Could I be sabotaging my own decision making process? Can anyone help me make sense of my confusion?

AIBVU?

I havent lost myself at all and whilst my children are the most important thing and my priority. Having a social life is also very important for me. I have a long weekend abroad with my husband each year. We have nights away. Nights out. Nights out and weekends away with friends.

My children arent my be all and end all because at the end of the day, one day they will grow up and move on with their own life and I want to not feel like I dont know how to fill my life when they do.

As someone who had dealt with mh issues myself I think you need to get some counselling. Not because there is a right or wrong answer in wanting/not wanting children but because I recognise the not being able to understand the internal confusion.

You don't know if the feeling you have about not wanting children is actually you or due to a thought process you are in because of your experiences. Then you second guess yourself that maybe you do want children because the only reason you think this way is because of other experiences.

Nobody here can tell you that answer. You might want children, you might not but the only way to find peace with either decision is to explore your feelings around it with someone who can help you.

We had an 'if it happens, it happens' idea in our heads about having children. It did, and I love them so much, more than I thought I was capable of. BUT - I wish we hadn't been so causal about it. There is so much more to it than just having kids and not having time to ourselves which in itself is very hard as it is!

I find I'm worrying about school places since there aren't enough to keep up with the expanding population, mental health issues which are absolutely rife now among children and teens, the state the country will be in by the time they grow up etc. Getting fleeced of money from renting, tax this tax that, this is going up, that is going up. We can never ever get ahead. I almost feel guilty for having them, like what have I dragged you 2 into, kind of thing.

We have one problem to another with work, money, renting etc and I think, is this what they have to look forward to? Makes me feel sad. I feel like we have done them a disservice by not getting ourselves completely square, on the property ladder, savings in the bank for rainy days and for them when they are older.

The baby/toddler all consuming part, is just a tiny speck on the whole job, and it is completely overwhelming at times unless you are the type that lets everything wash off your back. It doesn't sound like you are to be honest, so think really carefully. Make sure you have done all you want, and all you need to future-proof yourself somewhat first, before having children. That would be the advice that I would give to myself if I could turn the clock back.

Also, fuck what anyone thinks of women not having kids, it's pathetic people are judged at all for that.

Maybe think of it as building a family, not just "having kids" - they're only teeny and superneedy for a few years then before you know it they have their own lives. People fixate on the baby and newborn side of things but you're talking about creating human beings to share your life with.

So much wisdom and honesty in this thread – I'm a bit overwhelmed!

I want to take the time later to go through and respond to you all properly, but also wanted to let you know (in the quick 5 minutes I have right now) how much I appreciate all your input.

It is my decision, of course it's only mine and nobody else can make it for me, but it really does help to get some outside (and varying) perspectives on the funny little muddle I've got going on in my head about all this!