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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did i deserve it?

40 replies

VogueVVague · 25/05/2018 16:19

Theres a chapter in my life that has really bothered me for some time and i was hoping to get your thoughts on it.

It happened 10 years ago now. I was 20.

To cut a long story short, I was in a really happy relationship with a guy and I decided i wanted to work in the south of france. I got myself a job on a campsite there and I managed to get him one too.

I was due to start a month before him so I went down alone.

I cheated on him with another guy on the campsite and me and this other guy started going out.

I feel fucking awful about it. I dont know what i was thinking. I had some major fucked up stuff happen when i was a kid that had led me to choose really bad boyfriends up until then. So this nice guy i was going out with, it was almost like it was just too happy and good. Thats not an excuse, but just to explain - i was quite a fucked up teen and young adult.

The worst part is, i didnt tell the nice guy until he physically arrived at the campsite. I just didnt know how, although before he arrived he sensed something was wrong and kept asking me to talk. The new (horrible) guy told me to just lie to him. But i couldnt. So on the very first day the nice guy arrived, in fact the first hour, i broke down and told him.

Initially he was heartbroken, and then he became fucking furious.

Rather than go home or find a different job (which is what i would have done), he stayed and basically told everyone. Which is fair enough.

What bothers me is that for the next 5 months i was basically punished by everyone else on the campsite. For those who dont know this kind of setting, you work long hours and live in really close quarters with your colleagues. So there was basically no escape.

The nice guy was really verbally aggressive to me, tried to stare me put of places if we found ourselves in the same place, and when i arrived at the beach bar one night pushed me and i fell, nobody really responded. The other guys continuously made comments to try and bring me down, pretty much every day - stuff about my appearance, humiliating me, trying to ridicule me, sometimes in front of clients.

I find it interesting in retrospect that it was all the men who were essentially bullying me. The women just kept their distance from me, except for one girl who was brilliant and we've remained friends since.

I always beat myself up about this time in my life, because not only was it a really dickish thing for me to do, the cheating, i also handled it incredibly badly by not telling him straight away.

But this time has always made me feel really dark and uneasy for some reason and i think its because i was actually bullied. What made it worse was the new guy (we didnt stay together, naturally) had none of this, even though he had cheated on his girlfriend too (i know - what a couple!). In fact, nice guy and him actually started to get on. I cant help wonder if theres something a bit sexist in that.

So i guess i wanted to qrite this to get it off my chest and also to ask you - do you think i deserved it?

OP posts:
Rache950 · 25/05/2018 16:23

Nobody deserves to be treated that way whatever the case. Your relationship was your own, strangers had no right to judge and then behave appallingly towards you. It sounds like you've learnt that cheating isn't acceptable, everyone makes mistakes so please don't dwell on it. I don't think you deserved it. Be kind to yourself.

userabcname · 25/05/2018 16:25

No of course you didn't deserve it. Cheating is a horrible thing to do, but that's no excuse for bullying you. I don't think that 'nice' guy was as nice as you think to be honest. What a horrible experience for you OP. I hope you are doing better now.

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 25/05/2018 16:27

The nice guy was really verbally aggressive to me, tried to stare me put of places if we found ourselves in the same place, and when i arrived at the beach bar one night pushed me and i fell

Ok, the first thing I have to say is that you need to let go of the image in your head of the nice guy being the nice guy. He was a bully, he physically harmed you and bullied you incessantly over a period of months. He was an utter cunt.

So no, you didn't deserve it.

People make mistakes. People make shitty choices for shitty reasons. We're all flawed and foolish at times. Nobody deserves to be bullied for a mistake. Nobody on that campsite had the right to treat you that way simply because you made a mistake. Let it go, forgive yourself for fucking up and try to change how you remember it; it was a mistake you paid heavily for. You've paid for it, several times over by the sounds of it. Let it go.

SwimmingKaren · 25/05/2018 16:30

Sounds like everybody acted badly to be honest and it would have been better to have just left the whole toxic situation rather than try to tough it out.

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/05/2018 16:30

I think he was a Nice Guy (TM) rather than an actually nice guy.

Booboobooboo84 · 25/05/2018 16:30

I don’t think you deserved the reaction you got and certainly not over a sustained period of time. But you certainly deserved some kind of reaction and you probably ripped the poor guy to shreds doing that to him. Why should he have left? Why didn’t you leave?

Singlenotsingle · 25/05/2018 16:30

It's a long time to be still stewing over it ten years later. And anyway he doesn't sound "nice" to me! Yes you should have told him but it's not as though you were married to him, is it. And the other people on the campsite had no business getting involved, bunch of bullies!

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 25/05/2018 16:31

It’s hard to articulate why but I know exactly what you mean.

What you did was wrong but did it deserve the response you got?

And did you deserve a different response to the guy you had an affair with?

No.

The sexism bit comes in that a woman can go from madonna to whore, from being put on a pedestal to being treated like dirt in 60 seconds.

Sometimes it feels like men are eagerly waiting for women to fuck up so they can show them how they really feel about them.

And as for you, you beat yourself up because you transgressed and so feel you deserved it.

But you didn’t. What you did was wrong but didn’t merit that level of bullying.

FatherMacKenzie · 25/05/2018 16:31

He wasn’t a nice guy at all. It is very sexist and fucked up that you were treated this way and not him. You were bullied at work and that is totally wrong.

halfwitpicker · 25/05/2018 16:33

Both the guys (and all the other losers on the site, except your mate) were horrible.

The only mistake you made was not leaving the camp sooner.

You live and learn.

Trinity66 · 25/05/2018 16:34

Yeah I agree with everyone else, he doesn't sound like much of a nice guy. Clearly you were wrong for cheating but that doesn't justify the way he treated you or the other men

ohfourfoxache · 25/05/2018 16:38

Was he fuck a nice guy Angry

Please get that idea right out of your head. What happened to you was wrong, let your guilt go x

ChasedByBees · 25/05/2018 16:39

You were bullied and the ‘nice guy’ was physically abusive and horrible. There was no excuse for him to behave so badly. Be glad that you were rid of him rather than wasting years thinking he was actually nice.

Noqont · 25/05/2018 16:41

FFS. He wasn't a nice guy. You did the wrong thing, but I reckon you also had a lucky escape from his temper.

halfwitpicker · 25/05/2018 16:52

I worked at one of these camp types places abroad too. I think they are so insular that it ends up being a bit of a lord of the flies mentality. Not healthy.

I lasted three weeks due to the bullying - there is one particular situation as well that still makes me furious and honestly makes me wish I had punched the person in question.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 25/05/2018 16:55

The nice guy was really verbally aggressive to me, tried to stare me put of places if we found ourselves in the same place, and when i arrived at the beach bar one night pushed me and i fell, nobody really responded.

It worries me that you still think he was a nice guy.

Finderscrispy · 25/05/2018 16:58

Groups of people can descend quickly into something reminiscent of lord of the flies, when left to it. This is why I hate being in groups. Put a group of people together and independent thought seems to go out the window, for better or worse.

You did something wrong, it could have easily swung the other way where you had all the females picking on your cheating accomplice. I guess mr not so nice guy, knows how to work the crowds better.

You where young, overseas and probably feeling a bit vulnerable, don’t beat yourself up.

You seem to be bothered by why you didnt say anything to the boyfriend before he came out. Why do you think you didn’t say anything?

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 25/05/2018 16:59

He wasn’t a nice guy after all. Maybe you subconsciously had an inkling of this all along and that was why you got off with the other guy. Whatever the reason I think you can give yourself permission to forgive yourself for it now. We all do things we are ashamed of from time to time, the important thing is to learn from them and move on Flowers

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 25/05/2018 17:02

Are you happy now OP? I hope so. It's a long time to be festering over something.

I don't think you deserved to be treated so badly fwiw and the "nice guy" was anything but.

CheeseWithCheeseOnTheSide · 25/05/2018 17:04

Let's get one thing straight, there are no nice guys in your story.

"Nice guy" was not a nice guy, he had you arrange every aspect of his working holiday in the sun, like you were his Mommy, of course he wasn't going to walk away, that'd have meant dealing with shit like a normal functioning adult.

Him and "bad guy" got on in the end because they were cut from the same abusive entitled cloth. "Nice guy" was justified in being upset initially, but should have drawn a line under it the minute he decided he was staying. "Nice guy's" true colours would have shone through sooner or later, he was just better at masking being a prick than "bad guy".

You were also a nobber, but you didn't deserve to be ritually humiliated and abused for months and that's why it still bothers you a decade later. You experienced repeated and persistent trauma at the hands of those arseholes, get counselling, it'll help.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 25/05/2018 17:04

Err, not only did you not "deserve" that treatment but your "nice" guy really wasn't so nice, was he!

I think you had a bit of a lucky escape there, even if you did have to endure that ongoing humiliation and punishment while you were there.

You didn't do a nice thing, and you shouldn't have done it - but you did not deserve the level of backlash you got for it.

museumum · 25/05/2018 17:05

I have to be honest I would have not been inclined to make friends with you if my first experience meeting you was you doing that to your boyfriend. I’d probably have just kept my distance.

pigsDOfly · 25/05/2018 17:06

You were young, you made a mistake.

They sound like a nasty bunch of bullies and no he doesn't sound like a 'nice guy'. I'm assuming each and everyone of these people has never made a bad choice or made an error of judgement.

It's been 10 years. Time to forgive yourself and start to let it go.

Original poster
VogueVVague · 25/05/2018 17:11

@Idontbelieveinthemoon
Your reply made me well up a bit. Thank you.

I guess he wasnt quite that nice after all.

I think it hit me hard because i had always been really quite sunny and outgoing, I was also a fluent French speaker whereas he couldnt even order a beer. What that said to me was that it WAS something of a sexist issue. Even though i was technically more accessible, they didnt want to try and get to know me. It just felt like they wanted to kick a woman when she was down.

@Finderscrispy
I didnt tellhim ahead of time because i was a coward and was hoping he would pick up on my tone and decide something wasnt right so he wouldnt come.

@Booboobooboo84
He "shouldn't" have left, but considering the only reason he had a job was because i got him one, if the roles were reversed i would have left rather than the alternative: stick around and make someone pay. I just wouldnt make someone pay, i would rather leave it and move on.

OP posts:
Returnofthesmileybar · 25/05/2018 17:15

Treat people like you want to be treated is a saying that springs to mind, you definitely deserved a lot of what you got, nothing physical obviously, but really you were an absolute bitch so meh about the rest, you reap what you sow. Hopefully after 10 years you are all nicer people