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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask why so many awful posts about young mums recently?

26 replies

username122 · 25/05/2018 14:04

Seen a few threads recently that are absolutely awful to young mums. A particularly lovely one was something along the lines of "your 21 year old daughter has a baby and you think your a good mother?"
As a young mum myself it absolutely boils my blood, if you can provide for and love your child why does age matter?
Sure some young mums struggle and maybe don't make the best decisions but this can be said for some mothers of all ages.
AIBU to not understand people's problem? If a someone is a great mother I really cannot see the issue people have at all

OP posts:
Highhigh1982 · 25/05/2018 14:05

None, I’ve seen none

CourtneyLovely · 25/05/2018 14:06

I've not seen any either. I was a young mum too so I would notice and be pissed off by any comments along those lines.

PaulAnkaDog · 25/05/2018 14:09

Not noticed any and I was a young mum who would comment on such a derogatory thread. No idea where you’re getting this from.

kyrenialady · 25/05/2018 14:09

I have only read that one comment but some people can be vile and judgemental when they are behind a screen.

In the past 24 hours on mumsnet things I have read all apply to me.

I am fat so I smell and I'm going to have a heart attack.
I am a SAHM to school age children so I am a prostitute, uninteresting and a lazy fucker.

I also had my first at 20.

Original poster
username122 · 25/05/2018 14:11

Check out the 'to think the school's status is about me' thread. That's where I saw that particularly awful comment. Also a thread recently about a Mum who was worried her teenage daughter was planning a to have a baby, the comments got me so worked up. I probably only notice them because I am a young mother and I hate all the stereotypes and discrimination. A few of the posts I've seen today really got to me

OP posts:
DailyMailFail101 · 25/05/2018 14:17

In RL I’ve come to the conclusion the young mums are better than the older ones. The older mums around me seem to think their little darlings can’t do any wrong and are raising brats.

userabcname · 25/05/2018 14:25

Yanbu. My mum was 21 when she had me and she was / is a fantastic mum. I had my DS at 29 and honestly wish I'd started younger. Don't listen to them OP.

Argeles · 25/05/2018 14:44

I had my first DD when I was 29. In my mind that isn’t young, but in the area I live in, it’s significantly lower than the average age for first time Mums.

I didn’t expect to be ignored, on the receiving end of dirty looks and stares, but this is what has happened since childbirth for me. When I’ve tried to make an effort despite the negativity, I’m talked down to, and looked at with suspicion. I am now 32 and have a second DC, and whilst I think I’ve aged a lot in the past 3 years, the situation has worsened.

I couldn’t care less what age other Mums are - it’s none of my business.

I feel completely ignored and ostracised.

BackforGood · 25/05/2018 14:52

In RL I’ve come to the conclusion the young mums are better than the older ones. The older mums around me seem to think their little darlings can’t do any wrong and are raising brats.

You are actually doing exactly the same thing, here, as you are supposedly complaining about Hmm

I've not seen "so many awful posts recently" either, and I'm on here a lot. There are always idiots all over the internet (for example, see post quoted above) who think they can generalise from one or two comments. You post seems to fall into that category.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 25/05/2018 15:00

I don't think there are many comments either.

It depends what you class as young. If you mean late twenties you'd hope they were settled after having some fun and now ready for the next phase.

If teens or early twenties the chances are they aren't home owners, the relationship not long in length, no stable finances and the chances of ending up single and on benefits high.

I'm sure there are some high flying young mums but the reality is most won't be.

mirime · 25/05/2018 15:04

@Argeles It happens the other way as well. I was older than average in an area where if you're in your mid-30s with a baby it will be assumed you're the grandmother.

MrsJayy · 25/05/2018 15:06

I have not seen this on herebut you get folk that are just sanctimonous cowbags I hate that , I had my first at 21 people were saying I should be ashamed of myself blah de blah it was water of a ducks back not a hoot did I care.

LadyRochfordsHoickedGusset · 25/05/2018 15:15

I haven't seen the threads but that attitude is very definitely about. I had my dd at 21 and was surrounded by 30/40 sth mothers in a certain affluent area of a London some of whom most definitely judged me even though I was in a stable loving relationship where my dd thrived.

Don't forget there's a lot of bitterness thrown at young mums from those who've possibly left it too late.

Argeles · 25/05/2018 16:53

@mirime

That really is such a shame. I really don’t understand why so many people have a problem with how old others are. All parents are doing the same difficult, yet wonderful job - we’re all pretty much in the same boat.

boatass · 25/05/2018 16:54

If the shoe fits

SweetCheeks1980 · 25/05/2018 16:59

It was my post earlier that someone was judging my daughter being a mum at 21.
Just rise above it xx

LifeBeginsAtGin · 25/05/2018 17:14

Young mum's can be good mum's but I think we would like our children grow up, spread their wings and see the world and gain a career first rather than leave school and be changing nappies. As on the pension's thread, your 20's are the best time to establish a good pension (and career), but there are always exceptions to the rule and as long as every is happy.......

Racecardriver · 25/05/2018 17:24

I had my first child in my late teens. I have a kind, attractive, reasonably high earning husband. I have two children and am officially done with having children. And now I have all the time in the world to focus on my career and myself in general. I don't feel like I have missed out on anything. Not much of a partier ever so not missing that, not interested in shagging around either so again not missing out, well traveled and an expat (although still traveling a lot with my family) so that box is ticked. Was always academically gifted and have continued to study throughout having children so haven't really missed out on that either although my academic attainment, while good, has been compromised but I don't mind the trade off. When people make assumptions about me being stupid etc. Which does happen I just assume the same right back.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 25/05/2018 17:27

Some people will have opinions you don’t agree with. I see far more posts about how wonderful young mothers are.

lastnightidreamtofpotatoes · 25/05/2018 17:50

I think the general opinion on MN (and most of the MEDC's) is that a teen planning a baby probably isn't the best idea. As a very young first time mum myself I would agree. It doesn't mean that they are any lesser of a parent though.

Highhorse1981 · 25/05/2018 17:54

It was my post earlier that someone was judging my daughter being a mum at 21.

What did they actually say?

Racecardriver · 25/05/2018 17:57

I think a lot of it also coves down to ignorance. In my ethnic culture it is the norm to have children young and generally considered a positive. By and large I would say that it is treated like any other major positive life event like marriage, finacial success etc. The sooner the better. The only people who tend to make stupid assumptions about me are white British and white British descent Australians. Most don't thankfully but of the people who do make assumptions they always come from that kind of background. Usually lower middle class too.

Thehogfather · 25/05/2018 18:33

I haven't been on here much recently so not really noticed any. But I'd assume if there have it is for the usual reasons.

Anyone with half a brain knows that there are advantages and disadvantages to any age, there is no general superior time on a population level, just individual choice and circumstances. But people who aren't entirely confident about their own choices have to put down those who made different decisions to try and convince themselves.

I'm entirely happy about my decision to have been a young mum, so I don't need to make the type of comment dailymail has to prove my choice was superior to an older mum. And those who are genuinely happy they are older mums don't feel the need to list only the disadvantages, or stereotype as boxset and gin have.

Liberation1 · 25/05/2018 18:38

Dailymailfail yes! Raising brats.. couldn't agree more!

whateverstreet · 25/05/2018 18:48

I had my kids late, my choice, but to be honest I do have envy re my friends who had their children in their early twenties. They are in the majority around here - their kids are moving houses, off to college, finished college & starting families of their own... mine are still in primary!

Take it with a pinch of salt, each to their own, there will always be those who insist their way is the only way... everyone grows up & is ready for a family at different stages, whether that is 18, 20 or 40!