DH and I worked abroad until four years ago when we came back to the UK with our 2 DDs (4 and 6). We settled in the South-East as close to our families as possible, despite it being ridiculously expensive. Our families kept on urging us to return so they could see far more of the grandchildren, despite us spending all the summer and Christmas back in the UK.
DH's parents live 45 minutes away but it is clear the novelty of grandchildren has worn off since DH's brother's children have grown up - they have no interest in the DDs, very rarely visit and have refused to help out for the day on the very rare occasions that I would struggle to take time off work to cover a sick child. They are both in good health and have a full-on list of lovely retirement activities - all of which, it turns out, cannot possibly be missed.
DM lives a 2 hour drive away around the M25 - so anywhere up to 3 hours realistically. She is in a shitty situation. My gran moved in with us 25 years ago, and my dad died 15 years ago, by which time my sister and I were both at university. So, my mum and gran ended up living together - they moved to the South to be closer to my sister when I was living abroad. Since we returned, my gran's health has declined - she now has a carer visit every day and has about three chronic conditions which could carry her off at any minute. She is not a life-embracer - for the past fifteen years, she has been expressing her wish to die but has now reached the fine old age of 97. My mum is her official carer and very much tied to the house unless her sister deigns to relieve her, or she gets a week's respite from Sue Ryder. We visit when we can but it's a long journey with two small children, and the house is not big enough for a long stay - we travel for five hours for a three-hour visit. She is desperately unhappy, trapped in her retirement with a curmudgeonly old woman with increasingly demanding care needs.
I have suggested to DM that she move closer to us so we can provide support and company - this would be too much of an upheaval (there's no prospect of us moving closer to her). I've also suggested she pays a carer to cover her so she can visit us for a day - not at £20 an hour, it turns out. There is really nothing we can do, and we barely see her. I know she has depression but I am tired of being pushed back every time we suggest a possible improvement.
DH has just been headhunted for a fantastic opportunity overseas - we loved living abroad, the kids would have a great adventure and we would be able to spend quality amounts of time back in the UK and summer. My mother would be devastated - and I can't decide whether I would be the worst daughter in the world for even considering this. If it's relevant, I suffered from severe depression and anxiety after the birth of my youngest DD, shortly after we came back to the UK. DM offered me no support or sympathy when I was struggling to adapt to a new country and a new baby. I tried to discuss my suicidal feelings, and they were totally dismissed. I feel massively let down, and do not know if I am prepared to put my family's interests on hold to support her now - or if I need to be less needy and step up and just hang around providing comforting geographical proximity but no real help.
All insights gratefully received.