...to not take this dream job?

[KentishMama]

I am currently not working following a departure from a really crap job. The only redeeming feature of the crap job was that it was local and part-time, so work-life balance was good. I was spending lots of quality time with DS (3).

I've been offered a new job.

The job is:

• a very senior role with a cool, growing business in my preferred industry
• highly paid (not far off from being six figures)
• very exciting intellectually

... but it is also:

• full time
• a three-hour commute (90 mins each way), although I will be able to work from home once a week or so

I have done this commute for many years, but left it because I was approaching burn-out. So to make the new job work, we would have to move closer to that place of work. Houses there are much more expensive, so our mortgage would be increased by ~£75-100k for a slightly smaller house than we currently have.

Alternatively, I could:

• just say NO to the job offer
• swap our current house for a slightly more modest one in this area (which I love)
• do a bit of freelancing / p-t work to supplement income (DH's salary would cover mortgage and basic needs, but not fancy holidays, home improvements etc)

We can't quite afford to stay in our current home long-term if I don't work, but the houses we could afford one one salary are still perfectly nice.

AIBU to consider not taking the big, important dream job and simplify our lives instead?

If relevant: DH and I have always been very equal earners. He is okay with both options. In fact, I think he'd slightly prefer it if I said NO to the job as he likes the idea of slowing down a bit. But he will support my decision either way.

I left a great job to go freelance and I love it.

If anything it's been better for my career - I've learnt loads of relevant new skills and I get more work than I really need.

It works much better with things like school holidays and when kids are sick.

I've almost doubled my hourly rate since I went freelance a few years ago.

I'll probably go back into full time employment at some point and with my new skills there will be more jobs open to me - I fairly regularly get calls from headhunters.

Tricky. For me it would depend on a lot of small details.

• What is actually putting you off moving and taking the job? Is it the prospect of paying £100K extra for a smaller house? If it's "just" an extra £100K then on that salary you could probably pay off the extra within 3-5 years or so, if you don't live much more extravagantly than you do now. Do you dislike the new area you'd be moving to? Do you just not want to leave your current area? Or is that, actually, you secretly know that even without the commute you will still be likely to end up very tired and seeing much less of DS than you would want to?

• What are job prospects like locally, for PT and FT, short term and long term?

• What do you envisage yourself doing long-term? Do you want to be a SAHM for a long time? Do you want more children soon? Do you actually want PT rather than FT work, and if so, what are the prospects for that? Or do you want to go back to FT work in the next few years, in which case, what is your industry like? Do jobs like these come up often? Will your skills become rapidly outdated? Is it cut-throat, or the kind of industry where mothers can and do re-enter after a few years out (possibly doing some freelance along the way as you mention)?

I would take the job and set yourself a year to pursue it. The experience and knowledge you will gain will be invaluable in helping you make choices later.

Maybe you will love it and it will give you enough financial clout to employ a great Nanny or for your OH to reduce his hours. If it is too much just bank as much experience and skills as you can for the one year. You will really enhance your employment prospects. For one year your son will be fine. The weekends and holidays will be your time with him..

My SiL put his family life on hold when his children were small to work full time and do a Masters. He was working and then studying every evening and most weekends for two years. The reward meant a job where he had the flexibility to spend much more time with them and for my DD to pursue her career options, I think you will always regret it if you don’t, at least, try.

ISeeTheLight - Your post really resonates with me. I did the crazy commute for 6 years, was out of the house from 7 am to 7:30 pm and had to dial into late phone calls with teams in other time zones 1-2x per week as well. I had a great job, great company, but I was exhausted! And my mental health was suffering a bit too. Oh, and my DH is also a lucky bastard man who works from home 80% of the time!

birdonawire1, NotARegularPenguin, TammySwansonTwo - It sounds like part-time or job share are not possible. I think I may be able to work from home 50% of the time if I negotiate really, really hard. If I can get that, then I might take the job and at least try it?

CMOTDibbler - I like the idea of selling up our home and renting closer to work for a while, at least till I know whether I really love it. I hadn't thought of that option!!!

Also, I feel like my DH is looking rather bad in this thread, but the reason he encourages the slow-down option is simply because he's worried about my well-being. I did this commute in the past and I got so exhausted that it impacted my physical and mental health. Moving closer to work might solve that issue, but as that also means a much bigger mortgage, there would be a lot more pressure on both of us working full-time. DH is very much an equal partner, all the way down to childcare and housework although he doesn't do it to my standard, but give me another ten years, he might just be a very slow learner.

TheHonGalahadThreepwood8 - Very very good questions there!

1. If I am honest, there are two things: I love my current countryside life and dislike the idea of a suburb, and I worry that even with a reduced commute, I'd still be crazily exhausted at the end of each week because it's a big job in a very fast growing company. I might be wrong about that though! I know plenty of people who have jobs like this and they seem to be doing just fine...

2. Job prospects locally are poor for permanent roles at my level - I'm fairly senior and there aren't too many jobs around that would be at that level. But I am in the kind of industry where I could freelance to bring in some money. What Semster describes above would be quite possible.

3. Long-term, well, that's the question I can't answer! I know I don't want any more children, and I don't want to be a SAHM. I've always loved to work and I am quite driven. However, I've reached point where a more flexible, part time setup sounds incredibly appealing. I've always been scared of freelancing, but if the mortgage is covered by DH's income and the freelancing only has to cover little luxuries, then maybe that's the way to go...?

I should really pay you for asking these questions. They really helped...

Izzywigs - Giving it six months / a year / 18 months also sounds like a manageable approach.

Since you've been offered the job AND you're prepared to walk away, it sounds like the perfect time to negotiate. I would consider on what terms you would be prepared to take the job, e.g. four days a week with one of those guaranteed to be from home. Or work paying your travel costs. Or them agreeing to a shorter day but including train time as work time.

If there are no terms on which it would feel ideal, then walk away. But if it's a question of flexibility, you may as well ask and play hard ball. It's a much nicer position to be in than having to take any job :).

user1471463243 - YES! That is another good point! The Mumsnet Hive Mind is very good at this.

Take it and move.

But sometimes my 17-mile commute takes 1.5 hours in the morning. I wouldn't want to do that 8 times a week.

Could you do two days from home instead?

Full of,Really?you think mums discourage dp from high earning,long commute
Because what I see a lot in mn is the narrative of big salary big job male partner
And it’s generally said as badge of pride,top of his game and that
I’ve never read a single mn post wishing to dp would work or commute less

LipstickHandbagCoffee , a lot of MN threads are like that, that's true! I'm really lucky personally in that DH and I are at pretty much the same level and have been for ages! There was less than £1k between us in salary until fairly recently when I went 'local'. If I take this new job, I'll overtake him by a few grand, but not much. And he works from home 4 days a week, so does the majority of nursery drop-offs and pick-ups when I'm working anyway. If I asked him to go part-time to allow me to take this job, he probably would - but he loves his job more than anyone else I know and it would be cruel to ask him to do that. There's no way I'd ever love a job as much as he loves his...

Full of,Really?you think mums discourage dp from high earning,long commute

That's a very sexist attitude you have if you think all women are gold diggers who just want to find a husband who will earn as much as possible. My main complaint from female friends is that their husbands work too much, accept promotions etc without regard for their families. I would certainly discourage my DH from taking a higher paid job that involved more hours work. As long as we have enough money, which we do, I'd much rather he had more time at home while the DC are little.

Don’t paraphrase me wrongly.i didn’t call any woman a gold digger
I’m recalling mn threads I’ve seen.never seen an easy osey attitude to male wages

It's up to you but I would do it. You get to work at home once a week and 90 minutes isn't too bad. I used to do this and if you get the train you can read / watch the tablet and do things you probably wouldn't do otherwise.

Is there an option to take the job on a part time contract?

Best time to negotiate is the time when you would be happy to walk away. Tell them you love the job and would be great for it but the work life balance isn't quite right for your family. Things they could do make it work better for you:

• one off relocation allowance to help you move closer and keep your standard of living
• include commute hours as working hours (assuming you can work on train) so you have shorter days in the office
• more working from home days
• part time, compressed hours or job share

If they are amenable you get the job and keep the lifestyle, if not you didn't want it on their terms anyway.