To want to return a gift with strings attached!

[YummySushi]

Mil came from abroad, she bought nothing for my newborn son, nothing for my husband... but loads of stuff for me and clothes ...

Is her first time seeing her grandchild .. and hasn’t seen her son in 1.5 yrs..

Me and her haven’t been speaking for a year except formalities , because she has and continues to create tension I my life .. imposing her opinions on me and controlling everything I do ... she completely slandered me and when I sulked she told her son “but I bought he many presents why is she not appreciating me “

I’m not able to not accept the gift as it will cause a scene because she is overly sensitive ...

But ... I’m telling my DH that he has to gift her something back...

And that if she returned it or tells me that she regifted, I will do the same and inform her..

I hate this toxic gift giving - never had this issue before...

What do u think ?? DH is confused by all this

To add.. I don’t know if it’s a gesture of her wanting to make up... but truth is, she said a hurtful thing to me on the same day she gave me gifts .. and she bought those gifts for me while she was being hostile .. I feel like it’s a show infront of her son, manipulation games

I'm with your DH on this ... I'm confused too!!

well, it's only a toxic gift giving if you join in. If you thank her pleasantly and get on with your life, there's no drama. I always think that people complaining in dramas in general are the ones involved in them

Yep sounds a bit confusing but I think the crux of it is that she's a manipulative cow and bringing gifts are part of that.

The thing that will stop this isn't playing the game better. That won't work - it won't stop her making scenes or trying to control. The only thing that will put her gas at a peep is NOT TAKING THE SHIT.

She wants to bring you gifts? Fine, thanks, great, how kind.

She then goes on about the gifts when you still refuse to let her boss oyu around/do something you don't want - 'MIL I'm quite happy to return your gifts if you feel I'm not appreciative enough. I'm not up for blackmail though.'

Treat her fairly but be hard as nails.

Only works if your DH is on side though...

Did you overhear her say this to him?
What did he say back?

Or did he tell you she said that. And again, what did he say back to her?

Because really, he should’ve put her in her place with his reply and I’m not understanding why her behaviour is your problem.

I'd not feel like keeping the gifts from her. She sounds weird and you'd be best not to get involved in mind games with her.

Ask why she bought lots for you and nothing for DH and DC?

because she has and continues to create tension I my life .. imposing her opinions on me and controlling everything I do ..

Ok I understand the creating tension part, but she lives in a different country, how can she impose her opinions or control what you do?

I live in a different country from my PIL too. They can say what they want but after they’ve hung up the phone you can do what you want surely?

Thanks fizzy... the problem is my DH has asked me to not confront her about it.. he isn’t confrontational and believes should just save his mums face as she is a reputed woman..

I’m stuck here .. I feel like accepting the new batch of presents , means another year of having to explain to him how her gifting me stuff but being rude does not mean she loves me.. she tells her son that she loves me all day but behaves with me as if she is very very spiteful

Just accept the gifts, smile sweetly and say thank you, ignore her snide comments and get on with your life.

Basically just rise above it all with dignity.

Thanks MXy, Yh I feel I shouldn’t play her mind games and should just be who i am.

Everyone else, truth is, my Dh is manipulated by her . He never stands up to her even if it’s for himself..

I’m bothered because she calls my DH all the time picking on things I do, on my son, exaggerating things in his head which makes him constantly thinking of the negatives... he doesn’t shut her up because he thinks he can just go on .. but it does rub off on our lives , as eventually all he is seeing is my negatives when e talks to him.

Yes I did overhear her, I confronted him.. he didn’t respond to her, because he just thinks he should let her blab and move on..

But I’m pissed off that he thinks she loves me.. the more she does these things the more he thinks she loves me.. and I feel her manipulation works on him

only women get so het up over the exchange of stuff. Be like a man. Say thank you and that's it.

you don't need to get involved in a return of fire with more tat, especially not in this boring situation. And tell your husband to grow a pair and that she shuts up or goes home.

@FizzyGreenWater I find myself agreeing with you yet again. Might have an MN crush here.

OP, the presents are neither here nor there then. If the presents are to shut you up from resisting her hostilities, then yes, offer them back as soon as she uses them to deflect her bad behaviour.

If your husband is telling you not to do that, then as the saying goes, you have a DH problem, not a MIL problem. I would suggest you refuse to see her without your husband present, so he sees every critical and unpleasant comment she makes. Then if she doesn't stop, refuse to see her at all. She can stay in a hotel. Why would you welcome someone into your home who attacks you? You should feel safe and comfortable in your own home.

You need to stop your DH telling her so much about your lives.

My PILs get only a very carefully edited version of our lives.

Next the me she hands over gifts:

'these are such lovely and thoughtful gifts, thank you, but the best gift you could ever give me is to stop badmouthing me to DH all the time, if you could just stop saying negative things about me all the time that would make me so much happier than anything you could buy me.'

And when she tries to deny it just say 'DH tells me everything you say'

Pannacott, thank you so much. Ok I agree with you and Fizzy. I feel I should just accept the gifts and be prepared that if she uses it against me that I will return them/regift them.

I do have a DH problem. Hard for me to admit. He is working on it though, it is hard for a manipulated person to recognise that they are being manipulated. But yes, her previous gift giving has been followed by unrealistic expectations.

I do feel like I’m turning petty and I am not the type that plays games... but I’m in a phase where I’m realising a lot of my gestures in the past were mistaken for naivity and I’m desperate to not appear like a push over.

Bonny... that made me giggle ... I wish I could say that. Maybe I should ... I just feel it will turn into nasty drama as she believes she should never be confronted and sadly her kids ( all 3), agree with saving her face ( she is quite an important figure in her community).

Oh he's telling you the mean things she says? It sounds like he's putting himself in a piggy in the middle situation where you are both fighting over him. Are there may be cultural issues where you are supposed to defer to older relatives?

Tell him that you want to support a good relationship between the three of you. So you are going to try very hard not to say anything negative about her, and you don't want to hear anything negative from him about things she's said about you. As soon as he starts saying anything negative she's said, say 'please no, I want to feel positively about MIL, don't make me feel bad'. Still stick with only seeing her with him. If she says something negative when you are together, then get up and walk away, saying 'I know you like me MIL, and you know I like you, but I'm a bit too sensitive to hear those comments, I do not want any bad feeling, I'll just go and do some washing up' etc... Unfortunately in some situations where you can't be direct, you have to be seen to be saying the right things, and manage the relationship in more subtle ways.

But Bonny I am thinking along that direction.. perhaps soon I can do that..

Panacott that is lovely advice!! I shall remember to follow it ..

Yes I want to be able to stand up for myself without being confrontational..

With regards to my DH, he doesn’t tell me what she says, but he comes home nagging about this and that and when I confront him it turns out to be his mums and he doesn’t deny it.. and one day it got too much I looked through their messages and realised I’m an important topic to her , and “she regrets him marrying me “, and “I look too old for him”.

He didn’t wanna embarrass her.. he believes she is unstable. So never confronted her about it except just sulked.

He doesn’t like her saying these things but can’t get himself to upset her over it.

Pannacott I think I will use the approach u gave me about how to behave when she is alone with me ...

When you say she 'came from abroad' I assume you mean living there, rather than she came back from a holiday.

Is she from a culture where there is a degree of formality and expectation about gift-giving, as people can be very specific about things? It sounds like it might be a mixture of cultural expectations and, frankly, manipulation too!

I agree with @Panacott to ask him not to tell you things MIL says about you. DH has been sensitive with me about this - there are times he's told me what MIL has said when it might be useful one way or another to know, there are times I know he's held back from saying something negative she's said about me when it won't do any good!

Oh that is awful that he harangues you after seeing her! He needs to stop that!

If he starts nagging after seeing her, could you ask him - 'would you be saying that if you hadn't just seen your Mum?' Every time he goes to see her or talk to her, ask him if he's got any issues he needs to discuss with you. Presumably he'll say no. When he starts criticising afterwards, point out that he wasn't unhappy about your relationship before talking to her.

Point out that a lot of marriages break down because MILs interfere, and you are scared and would hate that to happen to your little family (do a sad face).