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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To tell niece that she will always have a home with us?

24 replies

megyn678 · 23/05/2018 13:25

This is probably a quite unique situation, so I’m leaving out/changing inessential details and will request that it is taken down at some point.

I am one of several siblings, all now middle aged and with kids. My brother moved to a different country (long haul flight distance away), got married and had a child there; the rest of us stayed in our home country, all living in/near the area we grew up in.

Sadly my brother died when his child was quite young - however, thanks to her mother, we have maintained a really close relationship with his daughter, and she generally visits us for several weeks every summer and has spent several Christmases with us. She’s now a young teenager and is very close to several of her cousins who are of similar ages to her.

We have recently found out that her mother has been diagnosed with a terminal illness. This has obviously come as a huge shock to us. Unfortunately, her mother doesn’t have any living parents/siblings, meaning that her daughter won’t have any family in her country once her mother passes away. Her mother does however have some very close friends who would be happy to have my niece live with them - this would mean my niece could stay at her current school and with her circle of friends.

This is obviously amazing, but me and my siblings are anxious to let her know that she will always have a home and a family with us, while at the same time not pressuring her to move to a different country at a time when she probably needs as much stability as possible. That we would love to have her with us but will not be hurt or offended in any way if she chooses to stay in her country with friends.

Should we write a letter to tell her this signed by all her aunts and uncles (and maybe cousins?)? Or is it a message best expressed in person? Or should we just trust that she knows how important she is to us?

OP posts:
kaytee87 · 23/05/2018 13:28

I think a letter is a great idea. Maybe invite her to write back / Skye if she wants to chat about it.
Poor girl Sad

GubbleBuppies · 23/05/2018 13:28

Speak to her mum and let her know that it's an option.

Keeptrudging · 23/05/2018 13:28

I think it would be a comforting thing to write to her, whatever she decides to do. The more people she has around who she knows love and care for her the better. I would write the letter.

DevilsDoorbell · 23/05/2018 13:30

Talk to her mum, she will also find it reassuring to know that there are people who care for her daughter and will look after her as and when they need to.

Lisajane2810 · 23/05/2018 13:31

definetely write the letter.

superking · 23/05/2018 13:31

It's a very kind idea and she is lucky to have you all. I would speak to her mother about it first, but if she is happy with it then yes I would write.

helpconfused · 23/05/2018 13:31

Id discuss it with her mum. She may feel she doesn't want to ask you but it should be discussed between mother and daughter.
What a lovely notion though. You sound like a very close supportive family x

Ohmydayslove · 23/05/2018 13:33

How sad op Flowers yes all of you write to the mum and her dd and tell them just what you told us. Poor kid can’t have too much love around her

SherbertLemon2011 · 23/05/2018 13:50

Do not write to the niece. Although well intentioned it undermines your sil and places a lot on a 13/14y shoulders in an already tough time. Talk to your sil

Professionalminefield · 23/05/2018 14:28

I would write to her, but talk it through with her mother first.

Toofle · 23/05/2018 15:40

Are you sure she'd be allowed to live in the UK ( or wherever you live ) permanently?
The immigration laws have been tightened up enormously. Don't offer her something you can't actually give her.

Luisa27 · 23/05/2018 15:49

Oh Megyn this has made me cry...what a lovely, lovely family you are. I’m so sad about your sister-in-law, isn’t life cruel sometimes?

The letter is a beautiful idea - id write it to your niece and her mum - addressed to her mum. Then they can read it and talk about it together - such a lovely thought for all of her aunts, uncles and cousins to sign it too 💕

BlueSapp · 23/05/2018 15:55

You all sound like a wonderful family and your niece is blessed to have you in her life, I would say make the offer directly to her mother and write a beautiful card and have everyone sign it and tell her mother you'd like to give it to her, I'm sure she will be comforted in the knowledge that so many people love your niece so much.

Noqonterfi · 23/05/2018 15:57

I think it would be nice for her to have the option either now or in the future.

DamsonGin · 23/05/2018 16:01

That's a lovely idea. My only hesitation would be not to overpromise if it's not going to be possible under immigration rules (though I have no idea if that's the case). At the very minimum you could offer to be there for visits during holidays, and more if that's possible. Do you know if she has a British passport through her father?

Guna100 · 23/05/2018 16:25

I think it’s a lovely lovely idea.....and so important for your niece to know she has family. I think amongst the your family you should decide who is speaking to the mum, where does the mum want her to be, is there an estate to be managed, if she stays with her friends what are the arrangements, who will mind your niece if her mother becomes unwell / is in a hospice etc. Having lived with a very close family member with a terminal illness, in my experience half the worries are caused by the what-ifs.

megyn678 · 23/05/2018 18:25

She’s a dual citizen so immigration status isn’t a problem thankfully.

OP posts:
LakieLady · 23/05/2018 18:30

Wow, what a fantastically caring family you are!

I'd speak to mum first, just to make sure she's ok with it, but I'm sure they will be really reassured to know that she has family who love her and will look after her.

DamsonGin · 23/05/2018 18:39

That's great, that'll open up options for her then, even if not now maybe she might want to travel when she's a little older. I'm sure it would be good for her to know she has other wider family looking out for her and welcoming her m

Toofle · 23/05/2018 18:50

Great that she has dual nationality. Thank goodness you'll be able to help in this way if it's needed.

TheSkyAtNight · 23/05/2018 19:26

Talk to her mum first.

LeeValley2 · 23/05/2018 19:38

Do NOT write directly to niece. Speak to her mother.

Libbydarediddie · 24/05/2018 12:41

I agree. Obviously run it past her mother first - which I'm guessing you might already have done? - but I think a letter is a lovely idea.

EvaIbbotson · 25/05/2018 12:45

Oh my, what a sad situation. I would definitely write to her and let her know that she will always have a family, no matter how far away you are.

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