To stay for the kids?

[TawandaT]

Has anyone else stayed with a husband who turned out not to be someone you'd like to stay with but on balance the kids lives are better with the family together? Did it work? Is it working?

My mum stayed thinking this, it wasn't better the arguments were constant the atmosphere was bad and she was stuck home with us then a low paid job with no pension and is still stuck with dad both nice people but not together

It's never better to stay in an unhappy relationship for the kids.

Never.

My mum no it didn't work she had an affair

I think it depends. Are you in an amicable, honest co parenting relationship with someone you respect and who respects you? Are you both able to acknowledge that you are not suited as romantic partners, but BOTH choose to stay in one household and raise your children together? Are you on the same page about whether it is OK to see people outside the marriage? There are lots of things to sort out, but platonic co parenting can work out for everyone.

On the other hand, are you both miserable and snapping at each other? Are you afraid of your partner, dislike him intensely, don't trust him to parent well, or feel that he doesn't pull his weight? Is he abusive, disrespectful, disconnected from family life?

Never stay in an abusive situation "for your kids". Or use them as an excuse for not taking action when the real reason is you are scared of change.

Please don't do this

I've acquaintances who have been devastated when their parents got divorced when they were adults over 18+ as they felt their parents marriages and their childhoods were a complete lie.

At least if your parents get separated and then divorced before you are18 you know you don't like each other. As you are surrounded by children from other families where the same has happened you have others to talk to and are considered normal.

I hate the notion of ‘staying for the kids’. IMO and experience from childhood, it does no good. Growing up in a toxic environment is detrimental.

I left a relationship when DD was 10 months old because I didn’t want her growing up thinking that if you were unhappy that you just had to lump it. It’s much better to have two parents apart who are both happy than two together who are miserable. I don’t think it teaches your children anything positive.

I should also have said that the notion of being miserable but somehow keeping that from your children and giving them a magical childhood is...unrealistic.

If you and your husband are unhappy, your children will pick up on it. You may be able to gaslight them into thinking that you and their father are happy if you really get into denial in a big way, but that kind of cognitive dissonance is very damaging.

Basically, you will show then an unhappy relationship and convince them that's what love looks like.

My parents divorced when I was young and I honestly don't feel like I have a good sense of what is normal. My mum says she wished she'd stuck it out longer and tried to work on the relationship. We are in couples counselling and trying. If it wasn't for the kids I wouldn't have stayed this long. I do love him. I don't respect him much. He tries his best with the kids but we have very different standards and his lack of consistency makes me crazy. He has an anger issue that I don't know if I can live with long term.

I do often wonder if platonic co-parenting would be a good solution but I'm not sure he'd go for it. Although maybe he would if divorce was the other option.