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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to go to this funeral?

52 replies

FourForYouGlenCoco · 23/05/2018 11:53

Long post, sorry!
So, DH’s nan died a couple of weeks ago. She was a lovely lady, I liked her but we only saw her a couple of times a year. DH is obviously sad but not devastated - she was in her late 80s and had been in hospital for weeks, so it wasn’t a shock.
But the funeral is next Wednesday - half term week. We have a 5.5yo, 22mo and 6w old. I was planning on spending the week with my mum so she can be an extra pair of hands with the kids. The funeral is an hour’s drive from us and children won’t be allowed at the wake, so we’ll just be there for the service. When we were told the original date, we talked about it a lot and ultimately decided 3 kids on a longish journey, then trying to keep them all quiet in church, then having to drive them all back again, wasn’t worth it. Checked with DH’s dad and he said it was fine, don’t worry. Let my mum know we’d be coming up, double checked DH was ok with going on his own. All sorted.
DH has just rung and it turns out everyone’s expecting us to all be there. Uncles looking forward to seeing the kids, etc etc.
I’m exhausted and was so, so looking forward to a whole week with someone else around to help - DH works long hours 6 days a week so I do the vast majority of everything, on my own, all the time. This cuts the week in half, plus my mum is 3 hour’s drive away - I was already dreading the journey and now I’ll have so much less time before I have to do it again. And the funeral itself will be a nightmare - toddler is super busy and into everything, baby is a screamer and breastfed. DH’s family are Irish so the place will be full of old-school old men who I really don’t fancy whipping a boob out in front of (not to mention trying to find something I can wear to a funeral and bf in!). DH is doing a reading so I’ll be wrangling the kids on my own for at least some of the time.
I feel like crying tbh. Would I be a massive dick and a crap wife to tell DH (nicely!) that I don’t want to go, or do I just have to suck it up, give up my half term plans and get on with it?

OP posts:

TomRavenscroft · 23/05/2018 14:43

everyone’s expecting us to all be there. Uncles looking forward to seeing the kids, etc etc.

Well, in the immortal words of Bernard Black, they can expect away!
You've told people what the decision is; why on earth have they suddenly moved the goalposts?

namechangemynameagain · 23/05/2018 14:46

Don't go. It will be exhausting and stressful. The travelling isn't fair on the dcs who are too young to be at a funeral anyway. The 5.5 year old is likley to be quite upset. The other won't have a clue.

Caribou58 · 23/05/2018 14:46

Since when do young kids and toddlers go to funerals?

This. My Mum died last summer and there was much discussion as to whether my youngest niece (then aged just 12) should go - she was adamant that she wanted to and so did. But my Nephew's 2 (aged 10 and 7) did not, though they came to the wake because - why ever not? Wakes are improved by children, in my opinion - it's when people talk, laugh and share memories of the deceased.

Caribou58 · 23/05/2018 14:47

If the kids can't go to the wake, then no one is going to be able to see much of them so imo they can expect all they like!

Excellent point, diddl.

lostinsunshine · 23/05/2018 14:48

My late mum was Irish. It is not an Irish thing to expect you to endure a funeral with small kids on your own. As pp said quoting Bernard Black let them Expect Away.
If they want to spend time with you and bond with the kids there will be other times and hopefully happier occasions.

crunchymint · 23/05/2018 14:54

I would suggest your DH go on his own. I admit if I was his relative I would not impressed at him not attending his own nan's funeral.

SleepingStandingUp · 23/05/2018 14:54

Whatshallidonowpeople oh go Thumper off

Applesandpears23 · 23/05/2018 14:59

Can you skype/facetime the wake to your DH’s phone so anyone who wants to can have a look at the kids and say hi?

5BlueHydrangea · 23/05/2018 15:02

Make sure dh has a couple of nice photos of the kids on his phone so anyone genuinely interested can look at them. As others have said, most people will be interested in your dc for a few seconds, the new baby perhaps a few minutes then they'll move on. Go to your Mums, relax a bit and enjoy yourself!
It's not good for small babies to be in car seats for extended periods anyway, and can't imagine the others enjoying it so do the minimum you have to.

shoofly · 23/05/2018 15:05

I'm Irish, I wouldn't expect you to travel a distance with a baby and young children. Honestly I'd send DH on his own with photos to show anyone who is interested and not feel the slightest bit bad about it.

Rudgie47 · 23/05/2018 15:07

Just tell you husband to tell relatives its not practical this time,but you and the kids look forward to seeing them in the summer/at Christmas, whatever s next etc.
Sod that for a laugh, you put yourself first. The Granny wouldnt be bothered I'm sure.

PickAChew · 23/05/2018 15:10

I would just send your DH on his own.

Relatives can get their small, cute child fix another day.

Vandree · 23/05/2018 15:12

When my grandparents died my DH took care of the kids so I could go to the funerals alone with the rest of my family. It really isn't appropriate to have small kids at a funeral mass. I was also pregnant for one funeral and my mam asked me not to go to the mass or graveside but just come to the meal after which we all did. The family aren't going to spend time with the kids other than to say hi and you will be left wrangling the kids while your DH catches up with family members. Honestly if you were able to just take the baby and meet dh for the tea after and were close thats one thing but a long trip with 3 kids just for mass, no. Don't feel bad, your DH will be relieved he can go to the funeral himself I bet.

I am Irish, funerals are big and there can be a lot of drink had and the masses are long, it would be better to keep the kids away til they are older. Organise a family lunch out to look forward to.

TheHonGalahadThreepwood · 23/05/2018 15:18

It's not inappropriate to have young children at funerals as some posters have suggested, and yes there is something of a broad culture difference between Ireland and England in terms of the etiquette of funerals (and weddings!) which means, roughly speaking, that greater weight tends to be attributed to family and friends showing up to the service. So if you felt able to manage it, I'm sure it would be genuinely appreciated by the family.

However! You have a 6 week old baby. You don't feel you can manage it. So that's fine. DH is happy to go alone, should go alone, and anyone who can't understand why a woman with 3 children and a newborn didn't feel able to make the journey just isn't very imaginative. And yes, it's very stupid of them to hold the wake somewhere that doesn't allow children if they wanted you to come.

sonjadog · 23/05/2018 15:21

Dont take the kids. I'm Irish. People say something like "Oh, it'll be really great to see the kids and FourForYou", but it is meant in a general, unspecifically friendly way. If you go, they will be pleased to see you, have a quick chat with the kids, admire the baby, and then head off the pub giving you not another thought. If you don't go, they say "Oh, what a shame. I hope we can see them soon", and then go to the pub and give you not another thought. Really, this is not an occasion that you need to put yourself out for. Go to your Mum´s as planned.

CoolCarrie · 23/05/2018 15:22

Don’t go, it sounds like a piss up afterwards, going by what you’ve said, so basically you will have to deal with drunk people and very small children, be kind to yourself and let dh go on his own.

ohfourfoxache · 23/05/2018 15:27

It’s not appropriate AT ALL for you and the dc to go. They’re far too young and it will be very difficult having to go, attend the ceremony, then go straight off again.

Don’t put yourself or your dc through it

reachforthewine · 23/05/2018 15:28

Say what @HouseworkIsASin10 said.

Jonbb · 23/05/2018 15:28

Unless your husband desperately needs your support, don't go.

Summerinrome · 23/05/2018 15:29

I would send dh with a few photos of the dc and that would be that.

It is a ridiculous concept expecting such a newborn baby etc to attend a funeral. Children are never expected at funerals unless they are older and choose to go.

Stick to your guns and send dh if he wants to go. You need a break and this is your best chance!!

3333hh44 · 23/05/2018 15:29

If they can't even go to the wake then its really unreasonable to expect you there. Let DH go on his own and take some photos of the kids...

3333hh44 · 23/05/2018 15:29

post

3333hh44 · 23/05/2018 15:30

x post even

coconutpie · 23/05/2018 15:39

YANBU. Go to your mum's. DH can go alone. You have 3 DC, one of whom is a newborn. It's just not feasible.

Original poster

FourForYouGlenCoco · 23/05/2018 16:33

whatshalli given that I said in my original post that DH works 6 days, long hours and I do everything on my own with no help, I clearly can manage them, but it is tiring and why would I pass up the opportunity for extra help when it’s available (not to mention giving my children the chance to build their relationship with their grandma who adores them)? Dick.

Everyone else, thank you - glad that the general consensus seems to be that I’m NBU. And good point re wanting to see the children & then booking somewhere children can’t come!

OP posts:

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