To feel inferior to other women? Can anyone relate?

[TrudgingSlowlyOn]

Frustrated, because I know it's pointless to compare ourselves to others. Everyone's life is different, etc etc. I have quite a lot of health issues, including several autoimmune conditions, which make things difficult. I have varying amounts of pain every day, and struggle with fatigue. As a younger adult, I made a suicide attempt in the middle of PTSD after an abusive relationship and bereavement and some childhood trauma all got too much.

I sometimes feel so inferior compared to other women. In every which way. I was at my fitness class today and honestly, everyone there looked so chic and put together and toned. Literally everyone was a lightly tanned honeyed colour. Then there's me - plump, white mottled skin, wearing cheap shapeless gear and generally looking like shit.

When I make the effort I can look very nice but I don't feel like I should have to always look nice, and most of the time I'm comfortable the way I am. When I see myself in fitness studio mirrors or think about how I look I get so self conscious though. Part of me wishes I knew how to look so neat and groomed. I just can't do that. I don't have the money for expensive clothes and have no idea to put on make up!

Tried putting on eye shadow at the weekend when I was going out - just sort of smeared the colour on, it did nothing for me, all it did was make my eyes look maybe like someone had thumped me. When I was young, I was a dab hand with eyeliner and could make my eyes look fairly nice on a night out.

I'm focused on looks on this thread, but it's really about everything, I think I was just struck by it at the fitness class. My health, and then later my mental health, got in the way of doing well at university and in a career. I've had some very interesting work in the job I do part time, but have not progressed. So there's all that eating away at me. I have no kids and my fertility situation is complicated and stressful, because a pregnancy could be very dangerous. Currently trying to come to terms with the likelihood of never becoming a mum, and practising acceptance.

Trying to let go of my inferiority mindset, and appreciate all I have and all I can do - which is a lot! I have a lot to be grateful for and I sometimes do feel overwhelmed by gratitude because I'm alive and fairly mobile despite my health, and for having a wonderful partner.

I have been through a lot but I bet loads of successful women with impressive careers have also been through a lot. They still made it.

Can anyone relate or give advice on how to stop thinking I'm substandard?

Sweetie, you go to a fitness class, right there you're one up on me and you acknowledge you can look good with a little effort - a terrific start.

I believe self worth can be learned and raised with a little work from you. You have good building blocks in place.

Do you have friends? Decent family? Hobbies?

Yep I have some treasured friends. We don't see a lot of each other as live in different places, but I'm very lucky to have those friendships. I'm quite close to some of my siblings. Low contact with my mum at the moment. My dad never wanted me, my parents weren't together.

I'm a big fan of self care! I take a lot of care with nutrition, exercise, rest and meditation. That's interesting that I've never considered grooming as self care.

There are literally millions of tutorials on YouTube about make up and grooming. It might take a while to find ones you relate to, but they are there, they are free, you can watch them as many times as you like, and you can buy make-up that is good quality but cheap and copy the looks from much more upmarket brands/influencers.

Totally get you op, it's been life long low self esteem for me.

I look shit and feel shit pretty much constantly. I feel scruffy, unkempt, fat, pale and ugly.

The only chink in all of the above is that my children adore me, no matter what I look like, they are THE most important and my lovely lovely dh adores me, so it cancels out the rest.

I am comfortable and love food, shit happens because of that. Ahh well.

Hi,
Have you ever had CBT or looked at its theories of cognitive distortions? Because i think they'd help. I just looke dat the list I've linked you and the way you're describing yourself fits several of the categories.
Overgeneralising: ALL people at fitness are chic and toned. They're not. On a bad day I do yoga and think: I'm the fattest person in this room. On a good day, I think, I'm older than everyone else here but still at it and pretty bendy despite being very overweight.
Focusing on negatives: I CAN"T PUT ON EYESHADOW!!! becomes massive, whereas having a gorgeous partner becomes minimised. Most women would choose a great partner over well-smudged lids, no?
Turning assumptions into reality: I bet loads of successful women had terrible lives and still managed to do far better than me. I'm useless etc.

I sympathise. Been there.

I strongly suggest you do some really concentrated blessing counting/gratitude journalling.

Do some of the big picture stuff
E.g. I'm so grateful for my loving partner who...and.. and... I acknowledge how wonderful it is to have him/her in my life and will show appreciation for them by...

and also do 3-5 small things each day: I'm so glad the sun is shining; I'm so glad I started this book, I'm really enjoying it; it was great having a giggle at work today about...; I love the scent of that new bubble bath etc etc. this stuff may sound trivial and phoney but actually it has a massive impact on training your brain away from the negative grooves of Oh useless me oh woe is me. You need to work hard to reroute instinctive thoughts and the easiest way imo, is to gratitude journal.

Get a notebook. Write down3-5 small things that happened each day that you appreciate. Plus meditate for a paragraph or more on one bigger thing you appreciate: your job, your home; your partner; a friend; a family member.

Also try making a list of 50 things you're proud of in your life. It can go way back - to childhood (I built a fantastic sandcastle on the beach that day, I passed X no of GCSEs. It can be ordinary: I make a great spag bol; or it can be a more overt 'achievement' I climbed Kilimanjaro/ I speak fluent Hungarian etc. When I first did this list it was really revealing. I got to about thirty and couldn't drege up another. And all my achievements were from at least a decade ago. It showed me how stuck I'd become. So I set about doing some new stuff that made me happy and proud. It works. It really does. I'm still fat. I still have to deal with life long depression but I'm a lot saner and happier than ever before.

As someone with a history of childhood trauma, ptsd, domestic violence, suicide attempts and a debilitating autoimmune disease that caused infertility and multiple miscarriages, I can honestly say no, I don't feel inferior to other women.

I feel like a survivor, like a fighter, like a winner against the odds.

So should you

Do not compare yourself to others. Many people are fortunate and have not had to face problems that are so mentally and physically exhausting.

I try to remind myself of this and focus on the good things, not what I can't do. It isn't easy, sometimes I do wonder what I would be like without carrying all the baggage.

Well youve identified what you want to change so now you need to make it smart. So your goal could be to wear makeup 4 days out of 7 by x date. So then you need to get some cheap stuff to experiment with. So your next action is to go shopping on y date. Book childcare and or supportive friend if you need to.

Then you need to prepare for what to buy so watch some youtube videos and see what they use. You could do that for half an hour each night for 5 nights before you go shopping.

Then you need to block some time where you can concentrate on you and makeup. So if you have kids ship them out to someone else. Then use that time to simply play. Depending on your network you might want to book a friend who knows her shit or is just generally supportive. Decide what you find doable and make that your work minimum or going out minimum. For work i do tinted moisturiser, eyebrow pencil and mascara. For going out I do eyeshadow and blush and lipstick too.

After a few months of this youll be better equipped to know what colours or brands suit, so then you can focus on getting better quality stuff.

I can relate. I might look quite lucky to most, but I am friends and work with women who live charmed lives.

They are toned, thin, and wear killer heels. I am pale, flabby, size 10, don't like fake or real tanning, hate walking in stilettos, and have a soft spot for carbs. They look refreshed in the gym, I look like a steaming tomato. They live in lovely houses with great interior decoration. We live in a big dark house with creaky floorboards in desperate need of renovation. They have a lot of parties and so so many friends, while I kind of prefer to stay home and read a book, but kind of want that life too!

However I do know that they make so much effort into maintaining this, so many facial and dermatologist and spa appointments, so much hosting and sucking up and going to this club and that, so much time in designing their houses and choosing fabrics and colors. I guess I am just lazy and can't be bothered. But that makes me feel bad.

My dad never wanted me, my parents weren't together

OP - have you had any counselling that addressed this? It really jumped out at me from your post.. Have you tried EMDR for your PTSD?

I can relate a bit - I'm not sure I feel inferior, just really different..

It sounds like you are already doing pretty brilliantly following trauma you should never have had to experience - you're practicing self care and looking after your body. Those are such positive things. It's so natural to compare ourselves to others but it is so poisonous. I bet if you compare yourself to times in the past when you've been struggling more you'd see that you're absolutely marvellous

I know what you mean as I have felt like this in the past and can totally relate to this. I sympathise.

Over time I've learned a lot of tactics for managing this and have learned to see this as a phenomenon but not as the whole truth. CBT has helped with this. It sounds like you would

I think you need to channel MissWilmott'sGhost. The strength you can gain from feeling like this will set you up for the rest of your life. If you can survive it, you will have an inner strength which will transcend, and no-one will ever make you feel small or shit again.

Ok just reread your op. You need this book: how to do everything and be happy by peter jones. It will help you figure out what makes you happy rather than going after what makes everyone else seemingly happy. And then it will help you break it down into goals like i did above. Its not a quick fix but it does focus your mind on what you can change rather than what you cant.

Mina and Pinot have some good advice there regarding CBT and breaking cycles of negative thinking. Personally I hated that twaddle but even I could see how I used to put myself down a lot. It isn't me that changed, it's how I think about myself.

Instead of feeling bad I can't do as well as others, I think "well, I'm doing nearly as well and they don't have half a ton of shit to carry with them..."

@AnaViaSalamanca I came across people like that, and mixed with them for a while. I ended up thinking they were some of the unhappiest people I've ever met. The women were perpetually on diets and in excessive workouts to try and keep their men from trading in for a newer model (the men had affairs anyway). They were locked into a partying circuit but didn't seem to like each other much - there was so much bitching and a lot of the decor was just to demonstrate how wealthy they were, because they needed to show wealth to demonstrate the choices they'd made in life were worthwhile. That sounds bitchy, but I really did feel shocked when I realised how empty their lives were, how lacking in warmth. They didn't get on with their 'friends' (chosen for who might help who in the business world) or their husbands.

The happiest people I've ever met are reasonably well off and reasonably healthy but what sets them apart is that they have a really rich and rewarding inner life - creative work or a career they adore, close, deep and secure friendships and family relationships, and plenty of free time to do what they most love.

@MissWillmottsGhost - why did you hate that twaddle ? I was deeply resistant to all forms of counselling but did the MoodGym online and it did open my eyes.
@TrudgingSlowlyOn - Mood Gym is worth a try. It's a free online CBT programme you do at your own pace. It won't all be applicable to you (you can skip bits that deal with neuroses you just don't have ). Someone on MN recommended it to me years ago and I've used it twice when I've noticed my view of the world getting unhealthily distorted.

Then I had six online CBT sessions through IESO free on NHS and they were actually incredibly useful. It surprised me how much that counsellor helped unskew my perception. Much better than face to face which I always found so cringy I could never go back.

If you're struggling with fatigue and auto-immune conditions, you are doing really well, and it seems to be pointless fannying around with make-up and grooming unless for your own enjoyment.

A silly little thing that has helped me is always to smile at myself if I catch sight of myself in a mirror - I look much nicer smiling, and it helps me to believe I look good (even with no make-up and unbrushed hair). (It's also nice to have a friendly face smiling back at you from the mirror)

Try and put together a paragraph about who you are, what you do that is really important to you. Like the advertising blurb on the back of a book. Keep that firmly in your mind, and it helps you feel good about the important things and not dwell on failings in areas that aren't actually very important to you.

Pandiculation that's a good idea. Did you make it up?

Thank you all very much for your comments and ideas.

I feel almost like I use up most of my energy on basic essential tasks like showering, laundry, shopping, cooking, work, exercise that I don't have much spare even to sit and concentrate on Youtube tutorials. I get annoyed that the basics deplete so much energy - how will I ever muster up enough to do really well at ANYTHING? If even learning how to do flipping make up seems daunting, how on earth will I excel at any career?

Don't know if that makes sense. Maybe it's just because I'm very tired at present. I have slept a lot since making my thread although feel better since waking up (late...ffs) today.

@User though I do get what you're saying, the way to learn is watching Youtube videos by the really enthusiastic women who know what they're doing. I need to try to set aside some time for it.

@Jimijack I am sorry you struggle with self esteem too. It can be so pervasive, just soaking into everything you think and feel about yourself. I'm so glad your children and DH make it all make sense for you though. That's definitely how it should be! I too do feel very lucky to have my partner who I adore/ adores me. Constantly feel blown away by the good fortune to have met somebody I love so much, who loves me. We take good care of each other.

@MinaPaws, I'm actually due to start some CBT sessions for anxiety. So maybe different focus but I think anything that helps with anxiety should help self esteem too? I hope anyway. It seems to me there is a connection, because in a way it's a kind of anxiety or unease or unrest about not being good enough. The cognitive distortions link is interesting and I have bookmarked it to read properly later. Gratitude journalling really appeals to me, so I think I'm going to get a notebook and start that! I find it very easy to take pleasure in a lot of the finer details of everyday life (easy to remember on good days, less so on bad ones) when I make the mental space to do so, so it would be good to formalise that and make it part of my day. Glad to hear it's helped so much with your depression, that is really uplifting.

@MissWillmottsGhost I am sorry for all you have been through. I really admire your outlook, maybe some day I'll feel a bit more like you. Hopefully! Some days I do feel tough and defiant in a way. Others just frustrated and inferior, because how successful would I have been if even a third of the serious roadblock-sized problems hadn't got in the way of progressing in my life? Then I feel a bit ashamed - because maybe it's more to do with my attitude towards life or something. I mean maybe I'd always have not been very successful anyway. For example, I had a great education. and was very fortunate to be very loved indeed by one main caregiver as a child, but that wasn't enough for me to overcome all the other shit. Not yet anyway.

Although, I do think the fact I was so loved, and the fact I had a great education, are why I'm able to have a good loving relationship now/ do any sort of work I'm proud of at all. Despite other crap going wrong.

Okay I'm nearly crying again now, but not in a bad way Why is it all so, so hard though?

@redexpat, that's a good example of breaking down a goal into manageable steps. Something I find difficult to do! I get overwhelmed by it, when it's something I have no idea how to do. The book sounds like something I should read, will check it out on Amazon, always keen on reading decent self help books.

@AnaViaSalamanca I identify with looking like a steaming tomato in the gym too Yeah I get that there is a lot of maintenance involved in how a lot of women look, lots of money and time invested.

@Scortja, I've had counselling a few times about everything really. Never just focused on my father. I kind of feel like he's not worth my time in counselling, if that makes sense? But of course have mentioned him in passing and some of the effects. I've done a lot of work on resolving it on my own, after several relationships with older men. Feel quite peaceful about him now. Still sometimes a little sad about never having a dad but it's fleeting.

@GalwayWayfarer I'm not marvellous, I just hope one day I am but feel I'll never get there. Not enough energy, not enough time now I'm in my thirties.

@MereDintofPandiculation my immediate reaction to the idea of the paragraph is, yes! I love that idea! But then a big dose of guilt if I did that. I can make myself sound fairly impressive on paper, but it's false advertising really because I'm such an underachiever and the failures outnumber the successes. I don't know why the failures are all so strong in my head compared to any successes. I don't know why it even matters if I am not a success, or particularly good at anything. I think because lots of the things I've failed at are very ordinary, like I can't do what normal people do, ie I'm self employed now after having a marked amount of job failures.

Thank you all again, lots of great ideas and food for thought.

Being comfortable with your looks is important. Since entering my 30s I nolonger feel the need to wear make up every day or blow dry my hair before leaving the house. This morning I went to toddler group in joggers, a soft comfortable tshirt, a scruffy ponytail and no make up. Had a lovely time and my looks/level of grooming didn't enter my head. There's nobody I'm trying to impress there!
It's liberating not to be trapped into a routine of make up and hair to leave the house.

If you feel better with some grooming, I recommend subtle stuff like shaping/tinting your eyebrows, wearing a bit of mineral powder to even out skin tone and stop shine, lip tint for a bit of colour.

The subtle golden tans at the gym were probably from that gradual tanning moisturiser, you use it instead of moisturiser and it builds up slowly.