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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wish DH would stop pandering to his son?

54 replies

OnTheporch · 22/05/2018 12:07

DSS is 22 years old. Always been very moody, grumpy, goes off in strops and won't tell anyone why, just ghosts people. He's very immature for his age and acts like a child, demanding attention all the time, expecting to be ferried around from a to b, expects everything to be bought for him or provided for him.

Anyway he used to come here every weekend and as he got older, it dwindled down and he'd maybe come once or twice a month. DH was gutted but kept in touch via Facebook.

The last time we saw him was Christmas. I think this is normal at his age personally but DH is upset that "access weekends" have grounded to a halt. Still, as I said he keeps in touch over Facebook.

However, DSS has suddenly decided to stop replying to DH. Maybe he's in a strop about something but we can't think why. The last time DSS replied to a message was February and DH has sent his 16 messages since then.
"How are you?"
"What you upto?"
"Hello? Anyone there?"
"Hi son, how's it going?"

Etc etc ... all of them ignored. It infuriates me to see DH making such an effort and just being blanked like he's a piece of shit not worth bothering with. DSS is getting these messages as it shows them as read so he's deliberately ignoring them.

I don't intend to say or do anything but AIBU to find it frustrating? And wish DH would stop pandering and just leave him to either say what the problem is or crack on?

If he was a child it would be different but this is a grown man treating his dad like crap for no apparent reason and imo DH is encouraging it by pandering!!

OP posts:

poopsqueak · 22/05/2018 12:51

Do you think he could be avoiding you? Do you get on with him? Or perhaps his mother is feeding some lines about his dad? Or maybe he just doesnt want to see his dad, which is hard, but could be the reason.

I wouldn't expect every weekend at age 22 mind.

Tillybilly1 · 22/05/2018 12:52

I would get him to write a letter to him and send recorded delivery or give to younger son to give to him, he needs to check he is ok, not depressed or that the mother has said something to sabotage relationship. Find it odd that he wouldn't give dad phone number, is DH too much for him do you think? Worth talking to younger son about feelings of sadness too.

Kualabear · 22/05/2018 12:56

If he is living at his mum's - talk to her ???

Bluesmartiesarebest · 22/05/2018 13:00

At least your DSS isn’t sulking or ignoring you in your own home! It sounds like he is heavily influenced by his mother and not very independent. Hopefully things will change once he moves out and grows up a bit. My stepchildren went through similar phases and I found the best thing to do was detach from it all.

Let your DH continue to send messages if it makes him feel better but don’t expect anything to change for a while. Your DSS is behaving like a rude brat because his mother allows him to. My guess is he’ll be friendly again when he wants money or it’s close to his birthday

iBiscuit · 22/05/2018 13:07

How old is the other son? Does he have an inkling?
My my DSCs sometimes act as go-betweens if one has a falling out with one of their parents; they're adults though so it's not inappropriate.

Original poster

OnTheporch · 22/05/2018 13:09

No point in talking to the mother as she's exactly the same. Has never worked so has no friends or social life so heavily depends on the kids for companionship. She doesn't see anything wrong in the way that he is. I keep racking my brains trying to think what it could be but everything was fine the last time he was here - apart from he wanted us to on a tour at a nature reserve but as it was Christmas we had too much on. DH thinks it could be that but he was happily messaging on Facebook after that. It was Feb when it stopped.

OP posts:

Floofsnootborkandboop · 22/05/2018 13:12

16 messages since feb isn’t even 2 a week Yabu

MrsJayy · 22/05/2018 13:23

So did you do anything go somewhere in February that he might have taken the huff about even if it was minor it might have been ahuge deal to him.

Wolfiefan · 22/05/2018 13:32

Maybe it's the poor opinion you have of both him and his mother that makes him not want to be around you?

GunpowderAndLead · 22/05/2018 13:34

I have a DSS Like this. My DH just eventually sent a message saying "you know where I am. " I watched him tie himself in knots trying to get some kind of communication going again. It's vey sad but it's best approach. As soon as they stop being chased they pipe up

maxthemartian · 22/05/2018 13:38

People here are responding as if the man is a child or teenager, not a grown-up, which he is.

MrsJayy · 22/05/2018 13:40

I don't think anybody thinks he is a teenager people are responding like he is somebodies son who is ignoring his father.q

PomPomtheGreat · 23/05/2018 02:15

Two of my adult sons are useless at replying to texts or being proactive with communication. Not just with me but with everyone.

I could have chosen that hill to die on and forced the issue and that would have been fine if it was stressing me. However, they are independent and busy adults and so I choose to be one too. They are fine when we meet and I know would be there for me at times of need so I have decided not to treat their communication style as a calculated offence to me. That would be a bit self-centred.

If they miss out on me helping them or whatever because they don't get in touch early enough to ask, then too bad for them. Let your adult children fit into your life as and how best suits both sides. It's not a reflection of their feelings for you but if their own individual characters and situations, which may be different to your own, hard though that can be to accept.

shakingmyhead1 · 23/05/2018 02:59

he sounds like a spoiled entitled little shit to be honest, sulked for ages cause he didnt get a car? sulked for ages cause you( dad) didnt drop everything and go walking the the bloody bush? i agree quit with the constant messages, let the "kid" come to you, once you stop contacting him for a couple of weeks he will know ok dads given up and think "i gotta real him back in" and he will start texting dad ( and expect "things" now that hes "back" he should be rewarded!)

MistressDeeCee · 23/05/2018 03:30

You dislike him and look down on his mum so I'm not surprised he's keeping away. Young people are pretty astute. Probably irritated with his dad for being with you. Have you not even thought about this aspect...?

RedDwarves · 23/05/2018 03:40

Bloody hell, I disagree with what the majority on this thread are saying. His son sounds like a manipulative pain in the rear. He's 22, not 12. There is no excuse for repeatedly ghosting people and then reappearing when he wants something.

I feel sorry for his father/the OP's husband, but if the son continues to carry on like this, I do think he'll grow tired of it and eventually respond like Gunpowders DH. And good riddance.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 23/05/2018 04:14

It infuriates me to see DH making such an effort

it's just giving DSS the attention he craves

Wow. You’re a real piece of work. I’m guessing you don’t have children of your own? You call sending a few messages making an effort? I call it a pathetic excuse for parenting. No wonder his son is craving attention if this is the best your pathetic husband can do.

If he’s “in bed” when your DH visits, your DH can sit down and wait until he “wakes up”. Spend some time with his other son, who, judging by your comments, also doesn’t get decent attention from his father.

And you really need to either get a life or be helpful. The nice thing would be to encourage their relationship, but you really don’t seem very nice so maybe just stay out of it. I expect you do a lot of harm by making the son feel unwelcome. Being 22 doesn’t make a person no longer related to their parents.

RainySeptember · 23/05/2018 05:20

A 22yo still living - and socialising - with his mum and doing only voluntary work is unlikely to be happy.

Either he's depressed or he's angry with your dh. Perhaps he doesn't like visiting your home or something upset him when he last visited?

I do know that I would've tried a bit harder to get to the bottom of it. Next time he picks up his other son can't he talk to his ex about it? I think I'd be saying 'I'm really upset that I haven't seen him for ages, I miss him and feel like he must be angry with me about something, can you ask him to be around to talk when I drop off later?'

Not to be dramatic but suicide is the biggest killer of men that age. I'm not suggesting that that's likely here, but it does suggest that mental health issues and depression are prevalent and I don't think I'd be assuming he was simply a thoughtless little shit. His entire world has reduced to spending time with his mum, he might need convincing that he's wanted in your lives.

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/05/2018 06:47

It sounds as if his mother has massively failed him and your dh has over compensated. They have both contributed to creating an immature adult. I am a long way off this stage but I like the approach Gunpowder has suggested. I have learnt in life the more you push to be accepted by people (including family), who don’t want to, the more they push back. Walking away but being clear he’s available is the best approach.

FuckPants · 23/05/2018 06:59

The son sounds like a dick, sulking because daddy didn't buy him a car etc.

I know it's easier said than done but I'd be advising your husband to back off, maybe said one more message saying that he'll be here if he wants to talk or something and then leave it.

Mammasmitten · 23/05/2018 07:10

Iwasjustabouttosaythat

It infuriates me to see DH making such an effort

it's just giving DSS the attention he craves

'Wow. You’re a real piece of work. I’m guessing you don’t have children of your own? You call sending a few messages making an effort? I call it a pathetic excuse for parenting. No wonder his son is craving attention if this is the best your pathetic husband can do.

I agree with Iwasjustabouttosaythat. This could be the real problem Op.

RainySeptember · 23/05/2018 07:17

It sounds as if his mother has massively failed him

It's always the mother who's done the failing for some reason.

Mammasmitten · 23/05/2018 07:23

Just wanted to add that no-one could come between me and my love and commitment to my child. It won't matter how old she is or what she has done. This bond of love was created when she was still in the womb, exploded into the most indescribable feeling of love the moment she was born. It really isn't something that can be fully appreciated until you have experienced having your own children. If you honestly can't understand your husband's relationship with his son than I think it's best you put your opinions on the shelf, butt out and focus on other aspects of your relationship with your husband. Don't be an additional rift between this father and son. And it doesn't matter if you don't like the sons' behavior, respect the parental bond your husband has with his son and try to develop some empathy.

Mammasmitten · 23/05/2018 07:44

RainySeptember

Luisa27 · 23/05/2018 07:49

Agree with advice given by ADarkandStormyKnight ....wise words

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