AIBU to think it's okay for DS not to have a hobby?

[BogstandardBelle]

My DS aged 10 doesn't have any real hobbies.

He does gymnastics twice a week, but has zero interest in training or competing - not even at the 'end of term' shows they do each year. He's done a couple of other sports, but didn't want to carry them on and he's actively dislikes team sports. He is very sociable, he'd happily spend all his free time hanging out with his friends, and he'll do pretty much anything if it's with other children. His main pastimes are Ipad (games and 'doing research' - anything from slime making to animal docs). He watches lots of TV - all factual: he loves anything science / tech / nature / history, both children's programmes and adults / family docs. He reads a lot when he's used up all his Ipad / telly time. He happily joins in family activities - bike rides / football with his dad and little bro, cooking, trips to anywhere - even the supermarket - and he loves coming camping with us - he usually makes new friends on the first day and we hardly see him for the rest of the trip!

It all looks good, I know. But he has no drive or interest in 'getting better' at or learning anything. Doesn't want to play an instrument, doesn't want to improve at his sports, doesn't want to get better at chess, doesn't want to learn to code or build a robot etc. He definitely wants to be good at all these things (and gets frustrated when he gets beaten by his younger brother!), but doesn't want to practice. He's the same in school: doing well overall, but really he's doing the bare minimum and coasting on the fact that he's clever and picks things up quickly. If he doesn't get it first time round, he has to be really pushed to sit down and learn it properly.

We had a crappy day yesterday (public holiday). His little brother was off practising his football with DH, then asking to be taken on bike ride, and just wanting to do stuff. DS1 just seemed to be moving from one time-passer to the next and had no interest in doing anything constructive. His attention span is very short, he gets bored very easily and he was whinging all day about being bored, when could he go back on the IPad, could he watch telly... I just wanted him to do something less passive!

My AIBU is a bit devil's advocate: I really want him to have a hobby, something that engages him and that he wants to get better at - and which isn't Fortnite! But when I look at myself, I was very similar as a child! I read constantly - and the closest I had to a sport / hobby, was banging a tennis ball off a wall and trying to rally for as long as possible! And now as an adult, I don't do anything improving or constructive - I read, I watch telly - easy pastimes, as I don't generally have the time / energy / committment / money to take up anything else. So probably I'm projecting my own thoughts onto him... which isn't fair.

So whaddya think? Is it ok for DS to not have any proper 'hobbies' and for him to just pass the time in his spare time instead?

He sounds like a very sociable, happy and well rounded child to me.

Reading, etc... to me is a hobby. Or at least an activity he is interested in and does regularly.

I would have been incredibly happy if my DS had read aged 10. He JUST wants to watch TV and watch Fortnite, I can’t get him out the house now unless he’s out with friends.

Is your son more social than younger DS?

The only concerning bit is the bit about him being intelligent and not bothering if he doesn’t get it. For his age this is probably very typical. One of my children was like this but GCSE’s and exams years later soon changed them and they now have a brilliant work ethic and are doing incredibly well. I wouldn’t worry too much, or maybe you could encourage him to spend 15 minutes a day working on some of his ‘weaknesses’ in the curriculum. Have some way of showing his progress, then a suitable reward.

Sorry posted too soon. This sounds absolutely fine- look at all your sons interests you described. He’s clearly his own individual, and has things that amaze and interest him which is all that matters. He is different from your younger DS but not anormal.
I’d even go so far as to say this is a lot of interests for a young child and if he uses an iPad for researching when he could be playing games then you have achieved something I never could with my DS!

Reading is a hobby. I didn't have a hobby that I wanted to do because I didn't have time after Girls' Brigade, GB marching band practice, violin practice & lessons, GB church parades etc which my parents deemed "suitable" activities. I had no choice in the matter and hated it.

I wanted to have dance classes, like my friends.

I'm 26 and I don't have a hobby, there's just nothing I'm passionate about. The only time it ever bothers me is when I try to think of what to put on my CV.

Although if you all think reading is a hobby maybe I'm wrong, I love reading

To my mind, a hobby is something you do for relaxation and enjoyment, and he seems to have no problem with that. You seem to want him to do activities that he has to work at and to succeed at, therefore adding more stress to his life rather than an opportunity to take a break from stress.

I understand that you might respond "but he's not putting any effort into anything, he doesn't have any stress to recover from". You say he doesn't like team sports - team sports play a big part in the life of children of that age, and he may be feeling the stress of trying to fit in with his class mates.

I am 40 and this describes me perfectly. I am very intelligent but lack drive or motivation to study and improve myself. I have a degree but put in the bare minimum of effort to achieve that. I didn't stay on to do a phd despite offers from my profs. I haven't done the masters associated with my current career despite offers from 2 employers to fund it. The reason being - I am not interested. I didn't enjoy studying. I have a highly paid professional career that I can manage without too much effort and I am happy with that.

As a kid I worked in a riding stables and really enjoyed working with horses but had no interest in improving my riding skills or doing competitions - I just wanted to be able to get the horse to go where I want. I can sail and did enough certificates to be able to sail a boat my way on my own with drowning myself or a crew but certainly didn't do more than was required. I don't play a musical instrument (I quit flute early on). I was a Guide for years and did lots of camping but declined efforts to push me to do the bigger badges.

I refused point blank to play team sports although enjoy yoga and walking. I can swim but stopped bothering to do badges once I could swim far enough.

My sister did her mile swimming and joined a local team and competed, played team hockey at county level, got awards for maths competitions, played netball for the school, etc.

Do you know what though - I am really happy. I like my life. I do what I want. I enjoy what I do. I don't feel the need to prove a point to anyone or to compete against anyone. I like to read, camp with the family, enjoy the outdoors, bake, listen to music. I like my job and am never short of offers for other positions but am happy earning my money and then finishing for the day to do something else.

I say let him do what makes him happy - isn't that what life is all about?

consider yourself lucky that, despite a short attention span, boredom doesn't appear to manifest in less constructive ways!

my 3 do a huge amount of hobbies (dancing, theatre groups, musical instruments, swimming, guides/cubs/scouts, football). they probably only have a day a week each where they're not doing something.

but if they are at home, unless it's watching youtube, playing xbox or kicking lumps out of each other a ball around the garden, they whine, wind each other up no end, and annoy the living shit out of us, despite us having a house full of books, board games and other constructive activities!

He seems fine just leave him be, but if he loves camping have you considered Cubs/Scouts for him? He might enjoy it and they do loads of different activities.

the only issue id think is the actively not liking team sports part.

in fact, what about scouts?

my middle DC is 12, is now in "big school", and is a bit "too cool for school" about most things, but he loves scouts.

they've done some brilliant things - outdoor laser combat, driving, bridge-building, high ropes, rifle shooting, various camps and trips.

not to mention all the other life skills they learn whilst doing this stuff (first aid, team work, tolerance, inclusion etc).

we do loads as a family, but he's done stuff with scouts that we'd never think of doing - any one of those could turn into a hobby or passion - just need the opportunity to try

He sounds like he has loads of hobbies! However, it sounds like what you are worried about might be that he lacks resilience - i.e. doesn't persist and gives up at first hurdle - so guessing that is what you are trying to encourage. If he really likes science is there anything you can do to encourage that? There are various experiment/engineering box project schemes now where you get sent a project bi-weekly/monthly which might be good. Also a lot of universities run summer schemes. Sounds like he's social and getting exercise (ok not team sports but I hate them too!).

I think you are projecting a little but also getting caught up in the modern parenting obsession with improving our children.
Your DS sounds lovely - if it's any consolation my DS is similar (except hates reading as he has Dyslexia) but loves science too and playing with friends. My DH is always pushing him as he feels he doesn't want to improve himself - but I am someone who always pushed myself and it does not make for a happy and contented adult.
I really think Cath2907 sounds brilliant and if your son ended up as happy and fulfilled at 40 wouldn't you be delighted?
My friend's children spend all day every day at activities, they never chill - but I think a key part of childhood is learning to chill. I remember my childhood and it was full of games and play - not training and practice which seems to have replaced a kick about with a football and I think has diminished children's experiences as a result.
But that's probably a minority view - I hate feeling under pressure for my kids to "achieve" in childhood.

Ah cheers - you are all very reassuring!

Team sports - where we live they don't do any sports in schools, so to play them e.g. football you need to join a club (selection process), then stick with the training / competition routine to progress. DS has had more than enough of being shouted at by 'friends' in the playground... he doesn't take playground football seriously and his friends that do make it no fun. So I can see his point in this respect!

Scouts does exist here, but it's strongly (Catholic) church-based, and we are totally not into that. There aren't any troops that aren't church-associated, and the waiting lists mean that only the active church families tend to get in. But we do our best to make opportunities for him to explore these interests in real life.

Cath - your post, especially the last para really resonated. I am constantly giving myself a hard time for what I haven't achieved in life (I've got a PhD... now I'm working part-time in an office). Maybe I'm suffering from a Presbyterian work ethic being drummed in from an early age - that 'just' being happy is not a worthwhile aim in life?

Ah cheers all, I'm going to chill out. He's such a lovely kid, and don't want to be that pushy parent - when it's my own issues that are making me push him.

He sounds like my DS. Always busy doing something but for what purpose? Mainly seems to be making his room a mess . But, it's good to let the mind rest and enjoy life and think.

Team sports were never an interest for me or DH and don't seem to be for DS. Nothing wrong with that at all and don't let anyone tell you there is! He is doing gymnastics, so probably happy to exercise and doesn't feel the need to push further and give himself undue stress. A lot of kids who are bright work out early on - what's the point of doing more gym as I'm not going to be a gymnast, I'll just have fun with it.

At some point he'll maybe find the one thing he loves and will really go for it. Or, he may not. But, he's sociable and seems to enjoy a wide variety of stuff.

Tbh, people with hobbies can be quite dull and can be really annoying partners as adults. Much better to have friends who are interested in all sorts and happy to join in all sorts imho.