AIBU to feel I'm a failure ?

[Way2Tired]

I would like to start by saying I love my son. He is an only child and at times I can be very PFB about him. That being said, I am more and more often in a position where I think I failed as a parent and he will be better off without me. He's a good kid generally but he will not listen to me if both my husband and I are there. My husband says it's becomes DS knows I'm the weaker parent. As a child I have been physically and psychologically abused so I'm always careful to not raise my voice ( I did fail though 2 times in DS's 3 years of life), and I am always honest with him and as you can imagine I would never think of hitting him. I say this because I want you to understand that I'm not repeating the cycle of my childhood. But I fail and I fail at this parenting thing... unfair because after 12h/day at work , I fins myself losing my patience with the going to bed battles. , being ignored , being told I'm silly ( AIBU to feel hurt my 3 years old calls me silly and my husband pretty much supports that saying I'm not doing well enough to have a good relationship with him??) ...maybe they would be better off without me after all...I guess what I'm trying to find out is if this changes is it a stage ? Is he just going through a stage where he feels the need to act out when both his parents are together ? Is it just a stage for him to be petty?( example : we order food in a restaurant. He eats all his fries so I offer to share.mine with him, moving my plate closer to him so he can reach. He takes away the plate and when I reach and take a fry he starts screaming the restaurant down that I shouldn't touch his food.it probably sounds funny but I was so embarassed and ...sad. ) he doesn't see this kind of behaviour at home so I don't know why he behaves like this ... where did I go wrong ? I don't want to have a self.entitled selfish kid and indont know what (if anything) can do.to fix all this . AIBU to think I failed at parenting ?

Oh my lovely he's three. They're buggers! Old enough to have opinions and be loud about them but not old enough to be reasoned with! They do say hurtful things because they are cross. It's not you. It's them!
Not listening when DH is about could be more to do with how DH seems to rate you as a parent. He swoops in so DC won't listen to you.
Would a parenting course help? Not because you're not doing a good job but to give you confidence and some strategies.
Eg plate. You don't let him take the plate. Put some food on his plate. What did you do when he screamed the place down? All kids behave in ways we don't want at that age. It's about how we handle it.

That was not funny behaviour. I have a two year old and we rarely eat out as she just can’t deal with behaving throughout a meal.

I really don’t know about your parenting but your DH and yourself need to be on the same page. There is a triple p parenting course that your HV can you refer you to.

Children act out and behave badly with those who they trust to love them unconditionally.

My youngest is 8. We still take colouring etc when we eat out. It's hard work with little ones.
And YY to being on the same page. They will try and divide and conquer! You need to have a strategy and agree boundaries together.

You sound fine. Far better tempered than me. Your DH sounds like he’s undermining you.

Being too soft can be as harmful as being too harsh. Kids need some boundaries to help them feel secure.

You have a DH problem not a DS problem. If your son is playing up for you when he's around but not for you on your own, then something about the dynamic may be setting him off - and your DH treating you like a hapless fool is very likely that something. Makes me cross for you. Seriously your boy is 3. 3 year olds act up, it's what they do, he's learning how to function in the world. Your husband and you need to agree on your parenting style red lines and then back each other up - he should never be undermining you in front of your son!!!

You are not failing as a parent. Your son is doing exactly what most 3 year olds do. I have a ds3 also an only child who most of the time doesn't listen until about 3rd time of being told something. Unlike you I do shout quite a bit but not in an aggressive way more in an exasperated way to myself like "oh my god no one in this house listens to me!" kind of thing lol. I think for serious situations time outs are very good at driving home the message without raising voices etc. The restaurant situation for example if that were me in your shoes, the plate would have been taken from him immediately and he'd have been informed the food is mummy's who is kindly sharing with him because he ate all his, cue screaming explain if it continued we'd leave with no dessert, then carried him out kicking n screaming if he doesn't stop. I once "barred" my son from sainsburys (I don't actually work there) because he couldn't behave and walked out with him mid queue at checkout to teach him just how serious I was. Suffice to say then when he was unbarred from sainsburys and given a second chance he never (very rarely) misbehaves at supermarkets now.

YABU

Your Husband He is being very unreasonable. Undermining you and verbally abusive. Maybe he is jealous if you as you are amazing x