AIBU to ask for a hand hold - it’s over for good

[4teensandababy]

So as not to drip feed, I’ll give you the good, the bad, and the ugly.

2 years ago when DS was a few months old, DH had an affair with a fellow mum from football. I was devastated, but we decided to work through it and get our relationship back on track.

Those 2 years have been hard for me. I’ve not brought up what happened with DH, but it’s always been in my mind. It made me feel worthless and I guess I withdrew a little. On the surface things were good, but in my head I was suffering. I wasn’t overly affectionate at times, and didn’t want sex very much. He said he understood, and we talked about our feelings and how we both felt.

Yesterday I was on DH’s laptop trying to upload some photos, when I went to log in to my FB. His was open, and at the bottom a message popped up from a girl. I looked at it, and it was him telling her how amazing she was, how great her boobs are, how fit she is etc etc.

At that moment I realised its all over. I can’t come back from this. He admitted it, but said it was my fault as he wanted attention and wasn’t getting it from me. Whilst I take responsibility for part of that, he’s putting the entire blame on me.

I’m devastated, I’ve not had a full on crying session yet - but I’ve realised there is no coming back from this. I’m going to be a single full time working parent, and that scares the crap out of me.

I m so sorry you’re going through this. I m here to handhold.
I m now a single mum following exh having an affair and it’s not so bad. It’s better than living with the feelings of mistrust and doubt. This part is the hardest but you will
find your way.

On a practical note, you need to gather your financial paperwork and consider housing rights and how you will manage childcare etc. Time now to get your ducks in a row.

What a bastard- cheats on you and makes it your fault. You're better off rid, genuinely as someone who's been there. Get proof if you can (screenshots etc) and write a diary in case he becomes a nasty git about the kids. PM if you want to talk x

Big hugs to you. have been through something similar, just not when I was a mum but when I was pregnant.
I think it is over, as you do deserve so much more than this. It is NOT your fault for his actions! He chose to write and say things to that girl.
There are plenty of fantastic single mothers and fathers out there, and although it's hard for you to get your head around that you're going to be one, you will get through it for the sake of your DS.
Do you have any family or friends that can support you right now?
I know it's hard, and you're obviously not thinking about this right now as it's too soon, but someday a man is going to come along and treat you like the queen that you are.

I'm so sorry, that's hesrtbreaking. Don't let him blame you for his mistakes! Have you got any RL support? Take some time for you, and then start getting your ducks in a row.

He admitted it, but said it was my fault as he wanted attention and wasn’t getting it from me.
He hasn't been getting as much attention from you because he cheated originally. Not Your Fault. None of it.
Get the practicals sorted first (paperwork, finances etc) and then kick his sorry ass out for good. You survived the first time, you'll get through this. Focus on being angry - it'll be better for you right now than being upset and feeling that you've done something wrong.

Thanks you both. I have all financial evidence etc. He’s gone to his parents house, and given me his key at my request. Hoping to keep things as amicable as is possible (even though right now I’d love to castrate him) for the sake of the children.
I don’t even know what to say to them right now. Eldest DD is 18, she’s already twigged he’s done something wrong and doesn’t want to talk to him.

Hand hold here 4teens 💕

You’re in shock - be kind to yourself
He’s a complete cock - but that doesn’t mean you won’t feel devastated. However, it does mean you can now stop living this ‘half life’ - wondering what he’s up to and doubting yourself.
The advice I can give is - eat well, try to sleep well, be kind to yourself and see a lawyer for an initial 30 min consultation ...he/she can be your cool head and will think rationally on your behalf
Sending a big hug

He admitted it, but said it was my fault as he wanted attention and wasn’t getting it from me.

He sounds like a selfish idiot. I hope you know that its not even slightly your fault, the break down of this relationship is entirely down to him. What acatch! You will be well rid. Do you have one child or more? This will obviously be hard but it does sound like you are making the right decision.

It certainly sounds like you are going to be much better off without him OP, he sounds like a horrible bastard! You will be surprised how much better you feel after a bit of time has passed. I'm giving you that hand hold. Hope you're okay

This is not your fault; he has no right to say it’s because he didn’t get attention from you 💐

You’re well rid.

What an absolute fucker. I hope you have the support of friends and family but right now you need to put yourself and kids first and move on from this arrogant, self obsessed dickhead. Much luck.

Having been on MN for quite a long time, I’ve learned from you all so well.
Seeing my solicitor Thursday and I have all details of financials.
Financially we will be OK without him. I have a good job, my son has a great childminder, and the teenagers are great and very self sufficient.
Emotionally it might take a while, but I’m starting to feel relief that I no longer have to pretend and I can start being me again.