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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think the children would be better off with ex

21 replies

disasteragain · 21/05/2018 12:59

After yet another awful weekend with my two dc (11 & 9) I have come to the above conclusion.

As one of them said - I can't cope with them. We've done nothing, there have been several screaming tantrums (yes, at their ages ) and even violence.

Saturday was ok as I had to work from home so they were mainly on devices. Didn't even try and encourage them off, even thought they should be more than capable at their ages of doing other stuff. Garden is a no go zone atm as I can't get anyone to do it.

Sunday I was determined we would get out. As soon as I mentioned it (at 8.30, they'd been up since 6 on screens) screaming started. Ds2 hadn't had enough screen time etc etc. I then mentioned we'd need to get a few things for ds1's residential - cue screaming from him as he hates shopping, packing etc.

The roaring they both do is unbelievable. It's not normal and I must be a shit parent if this is how they behave. They're obviously not happy to be carrying on like that. I've always blamed ex as he sets no limits with screens, chores etc, but I'm not really much better and they're actually with me 75% of the time. Ok I feel guilty about it, but what good does that do ? At least at his they're on screens in a stress free environment.

I work too much - have taken on extra marking in the summer and shouldn't really have to as I do earn a decent salary, but he gives me nothing. I have no savings and I can't afford not to do this extra work, but it's giving my kids an absolutely shit childhood.

He does nothing with them but at least he's not shouting at them and angsting at them. He owns what he is. Maybe I should do the same and suggest they live with him permanently. AIBU to give up on it - I can't do all this. Ds2 actually said to me 'you're an awful parent as your kids are just crying and upset most of the time.' He's right.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 21/05/2018 13:01

This sounds really horrible. Are you a teacher and marking exam papers?

What exactly are they screaming about? Which games are they playing?

ZeroFuchsGiven · 21/05/2018 13:03

Fortnite by any chance?

Queenofthestress · 21/05/2018 13:05

I'd get them off the screens for starters, completely until they can come off without a fuss. Set some ground rules properly that you all agree on, everyone contributes to chores. Make a bucket list with them - stuff like going to the zoo, going ice skating and slowly tick them off.

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 21/05/2018 13:05

It’s the screens the problem, not you. Unplug it and go sort the garden, they may come out and help you, or just play with a ball, water, etc...

DialsMavis · 21/05/2018 13:08

Screens after they behave.
Can you make them help you sort the garden out?

Bearhunter09 · 21/05/2018 13:08

Remove Games straight away! Tell them if. And only if they behave reasonably for 7 consecutive days can they have them back. For 2hours per day. You are not a shit parent at all they sound like they need a kick up the arse

fleshmarketclose · 21/05/2018 13:13

Yes remove the lot,instant ban for seven days extended by one day for every day behaviour isn't at a reasonable (don't mean perfect) standard and then highly rationed restricted use on days behaviour warrants it. Failing to stick to limits means an instant ban the following day. Get tough and stay tough they will find something to occupy themselves when the games aren't an option.

cornflakegirl · 21/05/2018 13:38

Can you get them to plan the day? So rather than say "Stop playing now", say "We need to do x, y, z today, it will take around 2 hours, it needs to be done before the shops shut at 4, when shall we go?" I find that mine resent it slightly less that way.

Why were you determined to go out on Sunday? Was there something you actively wanted to do, or was it just you thought they had had too much screen time on Saturday? Had you warned them that, after working on Saturday, you wanted some together time on Sunday? Sometimes I can be guilty of assuming that my boys can read my mind. And I can get hurt when my idea of a lovely family time out in the sunshine doesn't interest them.

immortalmarble · 21/05/2018 13:40

It’s tough being a single parent, OP

Honestly, they don’t sound like they’d be better off with your ex at all.

RedHelenB · 21/05/2018 13:46

Have you asked how they would feel about living with their Dad. I bet they won't want to. Stop beating yourself up. There must be some activity the three of you can enjoy together? Camping?

Original poster

disasteragain · 21/05/2018 14:25

Thanks for replies.

I don't want to be negative, and I know I am being, but I find it so hard to instigate and maintain things like rules, routines, schedules because they're not here enough, so it tends to all go out the window. I will decide something and then, as far as weekends go, it's another 2 weeks before I can implement it and by then it's forgotten.

I also tried the 'no screens first thing' idea, but I am so tired in the morning and can't seem to stop them waking early, so it just made sense to have the screens then. But it does start the day off on the wrong foot, no doubt about it.

I also find it hard because they like such different things, so it's really hard to please them both with going anywhere. They just have no interest in things I can afford and that are nearby. I'm so conscious of wasting money by taking somewhere they're not keen on just for the sake of it, but maybe I should, just to get out.

It's not Fortnite. Ds1 is obsessed with Fifa, but tbf, will come off and kick a ball around. He also likes YouTube videos, some of which are reasonably educational, others are a pile of shit. Ds2 loves Roblox, but also music, and will Google singers, put Spotify on and sing along etc all fucking day if he could. He is more obsessive than ds1 sooo resistant to doing anything that's not directly related to his interests it's unbelievable.

I just feel like it's too hard for me to do on my own, with work and everything and I'm massively letting them down. It was actually easier when they were younger and happy with a couple of hours at the park or library. Now going out seems like massive conflict for minimal enjoyment (though some stuff actually goes well when we actually get there) and staying in is easier - though that then leads to feelings of guilt and regret.

OP posts:

dogzdinner · 21/05/2018 14:34

It sounds incredibly stressful. I am sure you are not a shit parent.

Do they have any friends that live nearby who could come round to play with them or go with you if you go out to a park or something?

Why can't they go in the garden?

Cath2907 · 21/05/2018 14:40

My 7 year old behaves like that if her screen time gets OTT (if she has been ill for example). Same with my 8 yr old niece. Remove the computer / tablets. Start there. They can have them back for 60 minutes in the evening between 8pm and 9pm and then they can give them back to you (so they don't sneak off and use them in their rooms). If you find they have been using them outside of this time you will smash them. MEAN IT.

You'll have 3 days of hell but stick to it. Honestly it gets better. They will survive fine. Once the screaming dies down a bit then sort out with them what they'd like to do with all this new found free time they have and try to do things with them and support them in doing things.

Until you get them to put the damn computers down you'll get nowhere!

Original poster

disasteragain · 21/05/2018 14:44

Another thing making me feel a failure is their lack of friends. They seem to have them in school and seem happy there, but they are very rarely invited anywhere. I don't know anyone locally as I haven't been here all that long and work f/t 30 mins away, so no network around.

They can't go in the garden atm as it's so overgrown. I have been trying to get someone out to it, but people don't return calls, don't quote etc etc. Another source of stress. Being on my own I have no one who can step in for any of it. It is me who has to ring around, and I just don't have time to be constantly doing it.

I'm being ridiculous. There are single parents whose ex never has the kids, and that's not me - he has them twice a week overnight and another evening. Also ,there are people with real money worries and that's not me - though I get a bit anxious when I see people on here saying everyone should have 6 months living expenses saved up, because I certainly don't have that.

I just don't seem to be able to cope very well.

OP posts:

dangermouseisace · 21/05/2018 14:54

Too much screen time makes my kids awful. I’ve put software on the tablets/phones that limits times and sites. The software works all the time...so when they are at their dads too. Screen time is when I’m cooking dinner- 5-6 maybe a bit earlier at the weekend...half 4 maybe. They’ve been the rules for so long it is rarely questioned. They know if the rules are flouted eg trying to sneak on something early without asking it’s taken away- so best to ask! When eldest (11) threw a strop about the software the other day I gave him the choice- device with the limiting software or no device. He chose to accept it.

Kids end up finding other ways to occupy themselves. Sometimes messy ways...but it’s better than the craziness from too much screen time. Can they help you with the garden?

They aren’t better off with their dad. You’re just frazzled! It is hard being on your own

GunpowderAndLead · 21/05/2018 14:59

If you go on your local Facebook group and post a pic of the garden I'm sure you'll get a response. My one is flooded by handyman / gardeners saying they're looking for work.

I think screens are like crack im now trying to come up with a system to wean my two off. I hear you OP it's not easy

8FencingWire · 21/05/2018 15:00

OP, I’ve been there.
Remove the screens: 8.30, on charge, in the livingroom.
Then they can get ready for the next day, put their heads in order.
In the morning they can pick them up again once they’re washed and dressed and made their breakfast.

When they get in they have to have a snack, do the dishwasher, set the table for dinner and then they can go on the screens.

Any backchat, any screaming, they loose one hour, so instrad of 8.30 it will be 7.30.
Any slammed doors/fights, that’s another hour.

Mine is exactly the same. Doesn’t want to do anything. I make her go for a walk at the weekends, it’s free and it’s the only time I’m allowing her imperial mints 🙄

cornflakegirl · 21/05/2018 15:52

You're sounding a bit overwhelmed. Can you make a list of the things that are bothering you, and pick a few that you could deal with in the short term, and make a plan of how to do that. Eg the next weekend that the kids are at their dad's, plan to buy a strimmer and spend 2 hours working on the garden.

Screens - my boys would also spend their whole time on screens given the option, and it's also a mixture of "decent" and shite. I used to try to enforce only an hour of screen time a day, but that has completely gone out the window. I've made peace with the fact that a) I spend most of my day looking at a screen, b) they do other activities (sport, music, reading etc), c) there are useful skills to be learned from games (manual dexterity, persistence, problem solving, cooperation) and d) they really enjoy it, and just because I don't, that doesn't make it bad.

So I would say, cut yourself some slack on the screens. If you want to cut down their time, that's fine - but work out what you want to achieve and how far you're prepared to go to achieve it. Bear in mind that you can take away the screens, but you can't make them enjoy whatever it is you do instead!

RedHelenB · 21/05/2018 17:07

How about paying the kids to tackle the garden?

dogzdinner · 21/05/2018 17:33

I think getting a garden that they can go and play in is a priority. But I appreciate how hard it is to get people round to do jobs and it wears you down. Maybe go and knock on some neighbours' doors and ask them if they know anyone who can do it?

Getting them out of the house will give you a bit more room to breathe.

I'd also try and get the numbers of some friends so that you can have them over (and then they'll probably return the favour). Good idea to get this done before the Summer holidays. Does someone else pick them up from school for you?

Are there any activities that they'd be interested in signing up for? Sports, cubs, youth clubs?

You're not being ridiculous, you're in a very stressful situation.

Fruitcorner123 · 21/05/2018 17:47

i do appreciate how hard it must be but you really do need to get rid of screens. At that age they should be able to occupy themselves for a couple of hours in the morning and make a bit of breakfast. Personally I wouldnt take ny kids shopping if you paid me. Can't you just order stuff online? Plan something fun for next weekend, a picnic and a walk somewhere if you cant afford anything more. saying mean things in twmper does not mean thwy dont want to live with you, you know that really. Try and prioritise your time together, if its exam marking it will be over soon. I have never heard that 6 months saving thing but we are not in that position and we are fine!!

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