to not want DPs mother to have anything to do with baby?

[JammyLittleDodger]

16 weeks pregnant with our first. MIL has never shown any interest in me and previously made some very questionable racist remarks in front of me (I am mixed race) - 'she's mixed race, BUT she's very beautiful' type of ignorance. She doesn't get on with her son (DP) and he didn't have a particularly nice childhood. She's made nasty remarks about me to people in the past, and her mother (who I have never met) stated to DP that I would 'never live up to his ex'. We don't really see her, and I've never had a relationship with her.

Are we being unreasonable to make a decision to not want her involved in DCs life? Or to even meet DC? Not sure whether to put feelings to one side and give her a chance or to go with my gut and stay well away? Is it different when they become a grandparent? I'm not sure if we are obliged to let her have a relationship with her grandchild. New to all of this and feeling morally torn.

Im going to go against the grain a little here.

I am in a similar position with my ILs. My Dh is nc with his parents and we all stopped talking until they found out I was pregnant with dd. We tried to make it work but Dh and MIL just can't get on.

However I gave his parents the opportunity to come to us when the baby arrived and although FIL hasn't bothered MIL has. She was a terrible mother but hasn't actually done anything to my daughter to warrant her not being allowed access.

We have a simple arrangement where we infrequently keep in touch and I send photos. She can see dd if she wants and sends her gifts and messages. My DH knows and is happy with the arrangement but doesn't ever speak to her. I am the middle man.

For what its worth she is losing interest as expected but dd doesn't know her very well and won't miss her if she doesn't see her. She has just been warned that if she lets dd down that's it.

Better to give a chance and cut her out if she messes up than have the guilt of the child missing out on a potentially important relationship and resentment building when they're older.

I have experience of missing out on a relationship with GP DUE to parents not getting on and it did affect me. Kids are smart. Let them make up their own mind (assuming they aren't at risk of harm)

The Duchess of Sussex doesn't have a MIL does she?

StepMIL?

It does sound a similar problem though.

Seriously though, my GM was like this, and admitted being racist to me, when DF married my now XSM. XSM was extremely pretty when she was younger, and GM definitely said, "she's very pretty, for a black woman." I'm not sure how she felt about DHB.