Racist father in law

[scribbletastic]

Hello, I’ve signed up today because I wanted to ask a question. Am I being totally unreasonable with my reaction?

I have just returned from a holiday with the DP and our toddler DS, and DP's mother and father.

We were all sharing accommodation.

On the penultimate day while in the communal area my FIL used the n-word in front of all of us, including DS.

The MIL heard it because her immediate reaction was 'Oh (name)'. Nothing more was said about that comment. The FIL followed it up a few minutes later with a racial stereotype based on something that had appeared on the television news.

I was furious and really upset about it but at the time said nothing.

Later the DP asked me what was up and I told them. The DP said they did not hear it but also acknowledged that it so commonplace they have become immune to it.

It happened on the penultimate day of the holiday and we have now returned home. I have not yet had a chance to speak to the FIL about it. I wish to do this in private and in the absence of the MIL.

The MIL has form for automatically siding with her DH over anything and my DP. Doesn't matter what the subject is, it is me that is always wrong.

I fully expect that once I've spoken to FIL I will get a visit from the MIL.

The FIL is racist, homophobic and xenophobic. Fortunately, my DP is not but won’t stand up to him over it. I don't think the MIL is racist and I have heard her tell him off about it when he comes out with his latest comment. But he takes no notice.

I'm as bad because I've sat there, bit my tongue and said nothing to keep the peace for years.

But he crossed a line when he used that language in front of my DS.

I plan on telling the FIL that if he uses racist, homophobic or xenophobic language in front of my DS again then he will be banned from seeing his grandson and will not be welcome in our home.

Your views would be welcome. Particularly if you think I'm going OTT.

I don't think it is unreasonable to ask him to watch his language but I would be careful about how you word it. You don't need to cause a family drama over it (unless he repeatedly ignores your request after the discussion).

Also using "the FIL" is strange. It's just "FIL".

Completely reasonable for you to be upset. This is disgraceful!

Mmm. I sort of agree with you. Both my parents when alive were racist, although would probably not have used the n word in front of me. I think if anyone says something racist, it is incumbent on whoever is there to challenge them on this. I don’t think I’d threaten non contact as this stage. I’d just make it clear that racist words and attitudes are not to be used in front of my child. When your D.C. is older, I think it is good for them to hear parents challenging such attitudes. It’s a way of them encountering them and seeing an appropriate response.

plan on telling the FIL that if he uses racist, homophobic or xenophobic language in front of my DS again then he will be banned from seeing his grandson and will not be welcome in our home.

Just tell him calmly that it is not acceptable to you that anyone use bigoted language or express bigoted ideas in front of your child.

There’s no need to make specific threats and turn the emotional heat up. Be ice cold and matter of fact. Then it’s all about his behaviour and the focus can’t shift to whatever it is you’re threatening.

Your DH needs to do it, TBH.

Be aware that your FIL is high;y unlikely to change and it WILL likely cause problems.

I say this because although YANBU in the slightest, this is unlikely to end well.

Any language that you disagree with should not be used in front of your DCs !
Is FIL racist or is it just a word he uses with out thinking about its meaning ( we have all said things like ' i could murder a beer / wine / cream cake , but it does not make us killers )
If it is just a word he uses then it should not be to hard to get him to not use it around your DCs however if it is the way he feels that could be much more of a issue and i would not want to be around him at all . I would take him to one side and ask him why he uses offensive words / language and explain that you will not tolerate it at all with or with out your DCs around .
Depending on his reaction I would also tell MIL / DP the same thing and hopefully she will take him to task about his behaviour .

Yanbu at all! Don't let him say that in front of your dc you don't want him to become desensitised too it. As someone with a mixed race dc I can tell you that if he hears it at home he'll be more likely to say it to someone in the playground not realising the seriousness of it and that really can hurt a child that's the last thing you or anyone else wants. Don't blame yourself for not speaking up though I think we've all done it when we're in shock

I would probably wait though until he does it again rather than taking him to one side like a naughty schoolboy.

He sounds utterly horrendous and horrific. How horrible. Good for you for standing up for your son, do not change your stance on this.

I think you need to calmly but firmly challenge him every time.

Going from staying nothing to threatening no contact seems aggressive and unhelpful and more damaging to your son.

Start speaking up. Have the courage of your convictions. That’s a far better lesson for your DS.

Show your child how to challenge racism/sexism/homophobia in daily life.

Say calmly to your FIL “you are wrong and racist and it is inappropriate in front of DS” and then quietly lift your child and take him to another room for a bit.

I think it's possible to deal with it in a slightly less confrontational way, OP. Just explain that you don't want your kids growing up thinking that that sort of language and attitude is acceptable, because to most people it isn't, and ask him not to say that sort of stuff in them.

If that doesn't work, then you have good reason to leave/ask him to leave if he does it again.

I have a vile, sexist, racist, homophobic BIL so I know how tough it is to hear that sort of shit at family parties etc, I feel for you.

Thank you for the comments.

I think as several of you have posted, if I make threats about banning FIL from seeing DS it will only inflame the situation. I absolutely see that point.

"There’s no need to make specific threats and turn the emotional heat up. Be ice cold and matter of fact. Then it’s all about his behaviour and the focus can’t shift to whatever it is you’re threatening."

That I agree with.

On the otherhand I don't think for a second FIL will listen to a word I say. And then we have a problem.

Well if he continues to do it after being asked nicely, then you can agree with your DP how to appropriately shield your DS from it.

What's concerning is just because he stops using racist terminology in front of your child, won't stop him from being a racist. He will still hold those racist views and still be around your child.

It's a first step. but imo you'd need to follow up by challenging his ideology.
Ask why he holds those views, then ve capable of refuting his views with facts that show he is wrong.

You can’t police his thoughts but you can challenge what he says.

Every time he says something racist I would challenge it, calmly and politely.

I grew up listening to the most outrageous racist claptrap from one of my grandparents, but I was also aware of the beliefs and values of my parents, and what they thought of these views. Didn’ go no contact or anything like that. Had lots of v happy normal family gatherings.

Married a black guy. .

My fil makes comments that I feel are racist and homophobic at times. Dh has had full blown rows with him about his views before we had kids. Mostly around geberal elections when his dad starts spouting the usual anti-immigrant shite. He once started infront of my dd and I told him that I was not going to put up with any kind of racist or homophobic comments being said infront of my kids, so either he checks himself or I would take my kids home and we wouldnt come back again. He tried to argue that he wasnt being bigoted (which he was) and I told him it wasnt up for discussion; my kids, my rules and if he didnt like it we'd leave. I watched The Greatest Showman with dd6 this weekend and had to explain racism to her as the Zac Effron/Zendeya storyline confused her. She cried and said that she thought people who were mean to other people because of skin colour were stupid and horrible. I want her to always believe this. No way will I ever let anyone negatively influence her views and I dont give a crap if it does cause a family feud. By not confronting it you are allowing your fil to think it is acceptable. It isnt. Be brave and call him out on it.

This is like my dad. Drives me mad. I’m forever correcting him, or telling him how awful his views
Are.

Fortunately he keeps most of his bile to himself now.