To report a historic rape from 3 years ago

[scared2talk]

I am posting here because I didn't know where else to put this sensitive question. I'll cut to the chase. I split with my ex, J about 3 years ago and on at least 3 occasions towards the end of the relationship, he'd get me drunk, then put his hands around my throat until I was unconscious and then have sex with me. I'd come around with him inside me and slapping my face. He also filmed it ...

I had to contact the police in January because J was sending me abusive text messages and they police asked me a set of safeguarding questions including whether I was at risk of sexual abuse. I said no not now as we weren't together but mentioned briefly what happened 3 years ago. The police are encouraging me to come forward and do a video interview about what happened to me and arrest him on rape charges, but I am scared for these reasons ...

• J and I were in a sexual relationship and had sex on the nights he made me unconscious as well as on nights afterwards.

• He will deny it and probably get away with it ...

• He has been emotionally, verbally and physically abusive on many occasions but he denies everything. There is a long history of logs of calls I made to 101. I never had him formally charged with anything as I am scared of him and the impact he continues to have on my life.

• J continues to be verbally abusive on the phone and polite as sunshine via text message. My phone doesn't work with a call recorder - I tried.

• We have an 8 year old son together.

• He recently falsely accused me of child abuse and I had to agree to 50/50 shared care (he previously had our boy 2 nights a week) or risk him taking me to court where I couldn't afford a solicitor. I worry it will look like tit for tat even though this all started in January with the police safeguarding questions and his allegations were in May.

• He is a manipulative charmer - you meet him and think the sun shines out of his arse. Seriously.

• If I have him arrested it will mean there is NO hope for things ever being civil between us for the sake of our 8yr old son... who has already shown signs of being emotionally wobbly by telling lies and playing us off against each other.

My evidence is friends that I spoke to about this who are prepared to give statements about what I told them and the recording equipment J used to film me. I assume the files have been deleted now but I am of the understanding that police can recover this if the camera still exists in his home?

I am finding it really hard to move on in relationships. I've been on dates and had a short 3 month relationship in the last 3 years, but what he did to me and the way he has since treated me has had a profound impact on my life. The short 3 month relationship I did have in 2017 ended when I told the guy what had happened to me and he couldn't deal with it.

Should I go ahead and report him for historic rape? Or should I accept he will probably get away with it (he always does) ...?

AIBU to report a historic rape when there is a chance he will get away with it and make my life even worse????

My instant reaction is of course report it. However it is not me in the situation and I understand the fear of going through it all for it not to result in a conviction.

I wonder if you have been in contact with any support organisations like rape crisis or women's aid? They could support you to talk through the options and think through the possible consequences in a balanced way - they wouldn't pressure you to report it and could provide better support with decision making imo than via mumsnet.

I do feel though I need to say something to you about the risk to your son. Men who perpetrate violence, including sexual violence, are more likely to be abusive to their children. I mean physically, emotionally, if not sexually. He is likely to talk in abusive manner to your son about you, at the very least, which will be detrimental to your relationship.

I'm not at all surprised that you say he is a charmer - this is common from abusive people and unfortunately how they manage to harm people the way they do - you would not have been with him if he didn't have skills to draw you in. None of this is your fault. Whatever you decide to do I wish you all the best and send you an Internet hug

Again my first reaction was to say of course you should report it but I do understand your fear, especially having a DS with him.

Just wanted to reassure you that most kids try the playing parents other off against each other thing at some point, I did, my siblings, cousins, our own kids have tried it... it's not necessarily a sign that he's a bad kid.

Perhaps the police can advise you on how you can protect yourself and your DS?

I'm sorry I'm not more help!

Perhaps telling someone and having them believe you would be helpful. Pressing charges would be difficult, but maybe if he was at least arrested then his name would be on the system and that might help someone else in the future.
But above all else, if you don't feel able to do this, then don't. Do ask about support and counselling though.

Do you think that the police have received other complaints about him?

I hate to say this but I wouldn't report it. I have experience of this and no, there is little chance they can recover the video files. He/his lawyer will say you and your friends are lying. It will take ages to go to Court, if it even makes it that far, and you will have to go through a lot of trauma for nothing. I wish it were different,believe me, but the tiny chance of conviction is not worth what you'll go through in the process.

I would focus your energies on healing from all of this.

I am wondering also if someone else has reported him. I dont know if the police have to tell you.

Well, let's get one thing very clear: historic rape is not a crime. Rape is a crime. If he raped you, he raped you. Whether you report it or not is entirely up to you.

I don't think anyone else has reported him. We were together almost 10 years and he was single for 3 years before we met. We are both mid 40s ...

I would report it. Even if the police don't do anything, they will certainly want to.

You have no relationship with this man. He's a bully as well as a rapist and I wouldn't want him seeing my son at all, never mind to the extent he is.

The more you have complained about him, the more likely it is that the police will want to nail him. You won't be the only person he's done this to. You won't be the last. He'll pay the price, whether that's now or in the future. His days are numbered.

You really do need to warn the police about his charm, too.

Until you mentioned a child together I would have said yes. But unless you have some solid evidence that he raped you it unlikely to end in conviction and make a positive change in your life. What it may do is make life a lot more complicated. He is in your life for the next ten years at least.
I wish I could say you can fight this based on what is right. Based on experience I am not convinced. So sorry.

I'm a bit shocked that several posters are saying don't report this because you have a child with him? Isn't that even more reason to report it? He is a sex offender.

You had to give him 50:50 shared care. Because he's a bully. He's still treating you badly. Report him.