I'm bloody 40 years old. You'd think I'd be over it. Why does it still hurt so much?
I'm an only child and was brought up my my mum and grandparents - they were all wonderful. My parents weren't married and I wasn't exactly planned. My dad didn't want to know.
I didn't meet him until I was 19. He'd become very successful in that time and was just divorced for second time (no other children). He has since married his third wife and has been for over a decade. I don't like her or trust her, but that's besides the point as I've always been pleasant. She has made my life difficult as she doesn't seem to like me having contact with my dad and even once suggested I go through her rather than call or text him directly. She has been a nasty piece of work over the years, but I've ignored it all as I'm not good with confrontation and don't want to make things more difficult.
He just takes no interest. I try and I've tried for years. I have a near teenage child myself now and he takes very little interest in him either. He is involved with his wife's adult children and their own kids, but despite living very close by, he just doesn't bother with me or my son.
There have been a catalogue of things, but one that sticks out is that I wasn't invited to a very large 60th birthday party his wife threw for him a few years ago - I only found out after it happened, and she had told me to my face a couple of weeks before the party that there was nothing planned for it - an outright lie I discovered later. I didn't confront her, I regret that now.
The thing is, I'm never included in anything at all. We give each other Birthday and Christmas presents, and I never forget Father's Day - I even text his wife when it's Mother's Day to wish her a happy day.
He just doesn't reciprocate. I invite him round and he doesn't come, occasionally he will turn up to watch my son play football, but I could count the number of times on one hand - yet I always let him know the fixtures before each game, he replies about half the time. I have never stopped trying and hoping. I don't want to feel like I didn't make the effort, but I'm so tied and upset of always being rejected or ignored,
My marriage has recently separated and somehow it's made it all seem so much worse. I'm feeling pretty alone and generally vulnerable and upset right now.
Today I sent a message to invite him to come round for tea when his wife is away in a couple of weeks, and he replied to he is very busy with evening functions - just a brush off. It's another slap in the face and has made me irrationally upset today, have been in tears for the past hour which is crazy. I'm struggling as it is at the moment, and somehow I just want someone I can rely on. My mum is amazing, and I appreciate her so much, but somehow I just still need my dad - but then he was never there in the first place. I feel so ridiculous at my age, but I just want him to care about me.
Every time he just shows that he doesn't. And I bloody well wish it would stop hurting because I know he doesn't deserve my tears. I also feel like I really need to be over it at this stage of my life.
What should I do?