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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want DH to buck up?

45 replies

Laserbird16 · 20/05/2018 14:42

I'm just jack of DH's attitude when it comes to DD.

She's not even 2 and very focused on me. I have to read her a book, I have to carry her, I have to shower with her, fine... she is 21 months. But DH seems to take this very personally and 'opts' out of activities e.g. Sits and reads his own book at bedtime, yawns through singing a bed time song. It gets me so angry as the less engaged he is the less she wants him.

I've tried including him in on stuff and she'll generally accept it, like if I hold the book, he can read it. However, he gets really upset that she rejects him and won't settle for him and rather than being sympathetic I just want shake him as I then have to deal with the tantruming toddler and DH being all sulky.

She isn't an angel for me but I don't expect her to be. I just calmly carry on and try to distract her but DH seems to think all is lost so he hands her over to me. I feel it ruins family time as I fully anticipate DH saying he doesn't want to go to the park as DD won't play with him and I just take her myself. Fine it is efficient to divide and conquer but we have limited time together as a family as we both work full-time.

I do see he gets very hurt when she doesn't want him but surely he just needs to be a bit more resilient and she'll get there eventually...won't she?

OP posts:

Original poster

Laserbird16 · 20/05/2018 15:10

I'm sorry for being aggressive but I am very tired and angry. I objected to the hovering. I try so hard to encourage her and DH to bond. When she wakes up I big up daddy cuddles, I suggest nice things they can do together and I'll go out but DH doesn't want to as she'll want me. She does enjoy hanging out with him. I just feel like I often get lumped with the majority of the tantrums and also have to manage his mood. Plus the blinking carrying thing has to stop she is so heavy and my back is killing me!

I like the idea of some special daddy toys/books and he is much more lenient with snacks!

OP posts:

TotHappy · 20/05/2018 15:12

Mine used to be similar but when she was much younger... There is no easy answer other than letting/making him do it alone until they both get used to it. I cant really remember how we started to improve, sorry op, i was too sleep deprived to notice...! But i second letting then have 'their' things. Kids thrive on routine so she'll have got used to doing things with you a certain way. Doesn't mean he can't do the same things differently but maybe start with a new thing that he does with her.

MorelloKisses · 20/05/2018 15:16

Agree with everyone, extended time away, in a regular basis to let them bond and just generally work it out.

Whether you object or not you will be hovering and orchestrating their interaction and they need to build their own relationship.

Also, you were startlingly rude to the first poster!

ocelot41 · 20/05/2018 15:17

I sympathise OP. It is flipping knackering and it's understandable that you are feeling short tempered. I was too. I got to the point when I insisted we both got a block of 3 hours 'off' a week and physically left the house. It helped a lot.

crazychemist · 20/05/2018 15:17

I'm with the pp that says they need to have their own activities they do together. At home, my DD (20 months) clings to me and wants me to read. She will play with my DH, but not for long before she wants me back. But he started taking her out to church on Sunday mornings when she was one. I went along the first two times, then he did it alone from then. The first couple of times she cried when she left me, but apparently stopped as soon as she got to church, and now she gives me a cheery goodbye. He also takes her to the playground now.
I suggest you find something that he enjoys that they can do together without you so that they can bond on his terms.

letallthechildrenboogie · 20/05/2018 15:22

My husband gets face painting with the kids. They all wanted mummy when they were small but that one thing I claimed not to know how to do. He still does it now they are much bigger and it made me realise they could accept him instead of me perfectly well. Find a new thing she likes and make it clear that daddy is great at it. That way they can build their own space together.

swingofthings · 20/05/2018 15:26

My 2 yo wanted nothing to do with her dad, to the point when she would screamed down the house if I left her with him just to pop out to the shop, even though she was happy going to nursery. He did spend little time with her, so like you, didn't really get to bond with her. It was hard for me, but the worse is that it made it all about him and hard it was for him and he even blamed me for the situation.

It's hard to remember this time because she went from this to thinking her father was God when she was about 4 or 5. She is now 18 and very close to him.

HeebieJeebies456 · 20/05/2018 15:31

i'm going to guess he's never been 'involved' or 'hands on' with her since she was born?

SalemBlackCat · 20/05/2018 15:33

"without you hovering in the background"

To me, that does come across as hostile, so I think the op was reacting to what they saw as rudeness from the first reply. Unfortunately it is often hard to read intonation on the internet, so misunderstandings can happen.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 20/05/2018 15:34

'I'm sorry, but' isn't a proper apology. There's no excuse to be that rude. You owe that poster a proper apology by name.

I'll give you advice anyway. To vary a common MN theme, you don't have a dd problem, you have a dh problem. Children go through phases of favouring one parent or the other, usually the one they tend to spend most time with. It's up to the non-favoured parent to reapond to it like an adult. You can make all the effort you want to get them to bond and it won't work if he's punishing her (and you for being the favourite) by opting out and sulking.

Blaablaablaa · 20/05/2018 15:39

You need to start saying no to her and tell her its daddy's turn tonight . And your DH needs to grow up and stop taking it personally.

Our DS is currently in a daddy phase but that doesn't mean he gets his own way all the time.

ocelot41 · 20/05/2018 15:47

Oh come on guys, the OP has said she's sorry. Yes, she was rude but she's on her knees with tiredness and needs our help, patience and compassion. We have all been there, haven't we? I know I am nippy when overtired too. OP your DC will always come to you if you are physically around - you need to be not around. Can you go for a walk, over to a friend's, for a massage or exercise class at least once a week at a regular time? You sound like you really, really need a break.

Original poster

Laserbird16 · 20/05/2018 16:05

Really it is a DH problem. I'm out of the house Saturday morning to go the gym and grocery shop, I'm out of the house Sunday mornings for long walks with friends, I tell her I'm busy, I tell her daddy will help/play.

DH is the one who can't seem to compartmentalise/rationalise emotions and that this will pass. She doesn't need to manage her emotions to accommodate him. He needs to make the effort with her. I often wonder if it is an excuse to do his own thing dressed up as she doesn't want him.

I do want to spend time with her but ideally I want to spend time with both of them! I'm just fed up of the black cloud that he creates.

OP posts:

gillybeanz · 20/05/2018 16:06

You are the only one parenting because you aren't giving him the opportunity to.
You sound just like my niece, apart from the aggression.
She says the same, but is there every night, hovering.
People suggests that she leaves him to it for a weekend, but she won't and then complains.

category12 · 20/05/2018 16:07

YANBU to want him to step up and stop being such a drip.

You should stop the showering thing and reduce how much you carry her - "mummy's back hurts, so she can't, so you'll have to walk or let daddy carry you" and just ride out any tantrums. It's all very temporary, daddy'll be favourite next thing you know, if he stops taking it so personally.

CheshireChat · 20/05/2018 16:11

No choice but to talk to him really. Would it help if he read some articles saying it's perfectly normal and not a sign of a dysfunctional relationship with his own child?

MarthasGinYard · 20/05/2018 16:15

'Plus the blinking carrying thing has to stop she is so heavy and my back is killing me!'

So stop it now

I never ever started that malarkey

No bigging DP Up, How condescending, I'd hate that, just plain 'mummy is out for a while now have fun bye'

Just let them get on with it.

Sounds like Anything near natural is being sapped away by your constant hovering.

CheshireChat · 20/05/2018 16:16

Also, I've had to be quite strict about carrying my DS as I've got sciatica and carrying stuff is a trigger, he accepts it as normal, though he does come and sit on my lap on the couch so similar position but a lot easier on me!

VerbenaBoriensis · 20/05/2018 16:24

We all get tired no need to be rude when others trying to help but ANYWAY....I had the opposite wiv the carrying my dh kept picking up-I kept telling him not to. Ending up with screaming toddler attached to his leg in the street I walked off... They both learnt after that. You are making a rod for yr own back in all depts-u need to learn to let go.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/05/2018 16:50

DH is the one who can't seem to compartmentalise/rationalise emotions and that this will pass.

I used to think this until DD went through a Daddy phase. I was heartbroken. I sucked it up but I was genuinely devastated that DD was rejecting me. It hurts and as much as we are adults, we are also human beings with feelings.

What changed things for DD was going through a sick bug at my parents' house. DH dealt with all the puke and crying and horror for two nights (I was sick so couldn't) and since then, DD is a Daddy's girl. She needed to know he had her back in the hard times. Now she does.

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