Who is being unreasonable here?

[willisurvive3under2]

I have baby twins and a young toddler. DM has come to help from overseas. She’s staying 3 weeks, taking up our only spare room. I had asked DH if 3 weeks was ok - he had said fine. Now that she’s here he’s not very happy - he says she’s not much help, he can’t go to the spare room to get a good night’s sleep, he doesn’t feel comfortable as they can’t talk (language barrier).

I generally find her helpful although we have our differences. She’s great with the children and also very good around the house. She’s really helping me with my workload - laundry, nappies (more than 20 a day some days!), cooking, etc. I guess DH doesn’t really appreciate how much she does - he works most days and the vast majority of childcare and homework is left to me.

I know her presence is somewhat forced on him. Not many people would like their MIL to live with them for any period of time, I get it. But having 3 under 2 is a pretty unusual circumstance and I feel like we can do with some help. Also I wouldn’t really know how to say no, we don’t need your help, please don’t come?! She wants to see the children! Staying in a B&B or similar would be very expensive and I think she would feel pushed out (also not really the done thing in our culture).

Now she’s mentioned she will come again later in the summer. How do I keep everyone happy here?

Talk to your husband in exactly the way you have here, ie you know it's not ideal but highlight how helpful it has been for you as you say he might not see it if he's out all day

Tbh I think with 3 under 2 including baby twins your husband needs to suck up a few weeks here and there. If you find her visits helpful then that should be the priority at this point.

Could next time she just come for 2 weeks? Say you have some plans or someone else coming that means she can’t come for 3 weeks.
I understand the difficulty for you; my DH found my mum staying a bit of an inconvenience but I found it so helpful having her here when DD was tiny.

My MIL is extremely kind helpful and generous. However I’m about ready to kill her after a few days. Its death by a thousand cuts. Its an odd dynamic with parents in law you can’t just say when something is annoying or difficult. I know it’s me being unreasonable but I can’t help it. If it’s really bothering him I think you need to respect the fact that 3 weeks is too long for him. You don’t want the relationship to become strained.

Do you want her to come later in the summer?

My MIL stayed with us for 4 months when I had baby twins and a toddler! DP also took two full months off work and we each took a twin for night wakings.

If your DP doesn’t realise how much work there is then he is the problem. How dare he make your DM feel unwelcome when she’s helping! He should be doing SO MUCH MORE WORK. Sleeping in the other room?? That’s ridiculous. He made the children, he needs to look after them. That goes for housework too.

You have my sympathy. Twins are so great but very few people realise how hard it is for the older sibling. People always comment on how much work twins must be, and they are, but that’s just lack of sleep and constant physical work. The older sibling needs so much emotional work. You are going to need more support than your DP is giving you to deal with it long term.

He is - he clearly has no idea and he is upset because he cant escape at night to relax

Get him to look after the house and the 3 children for even an hour or two and I think he would understand

Or in even simplier terms tell him she is far more of a help that he is

Thanks. I don't know if I want her again for 3 weeks, but a week or 10 days would be nice to give me a break.

@Iwasjustabouttosaythat You've ht the nail on the head. My toddler loves the twins but is pretty needy and a bit confused at the moment. Big change for him. My mum dan take him for days out or take the twins between feeds while I focus on him. It really does help me.

She sounds wonderful! My MIL was great too but didn’t really get the priorities. On more than one occasion she would be fussing with laundry or some such while I was literally on the floor holding 3 screaming children. Then she’d ask me what I was planning to do for dinner.

Put your foot down with DP. You need support. You’re doing something incredibly hard (but incredibly rewarding). Has he ever looked after all 3 by himself?

When I had my twins DM and MIL took turns living with us for the first 3 months! It was a blessing, and I didn't even have an older DC. Don't how I would have managed without it.
Your DH is definitely BU.

Living with your MIL is a challenge! We had my MIL live with us for 3 months after she had a fall and damaged her knee (we have a downstairs toilet) and even though she is a lovely woman it was very testing for me.

The language barrier is probably exacerbating things too.

I think YANBU and DH is .i totally understand that as an adult sharing one's home with another adult is difficult and that when one comes home from work it is nice not to have to be on one's best behaviour. This must be even more trying if there is a major language ( and cultural?) difference. However these are unusual and difficult times for you. Your DM is there because she loves you all and wants to help. It is kind and generous of her . On top of that she really is being a great help to you and by extension the whole of your family. It would be much tougher on your toddler were she not there.DH is out of the house at work so doesn't really witness your life and how helpful she is being. Three weeks is nothing. He needs to put himself in your shoes.

Next weekend take your mum out for the whole of Sat or Sunday leaving the 3 children with your DH. Leave before breakfast and don't come back until after the kids will be in bed. Then ask him if he thinks he could do that 5 days a week without help.

Oh and ask him to do a couple of loads of washing and push the Hoover round whilst you're out as well.