AIBU having input on which job DH picks?

[NC5545]

NC'd, apologies.

Background to avoid dripfeed:
DH is finishing doing a post-grad qualification and is looking for jobs. (He has a job with study time built in, so he has been paid to do this).

Since having DCs he has been moaning that he wants to be at home more - fair enough, I've said take a job part time while the kids are young- very easy to do in his line of work. We have a manageable mortgage and live fairly inexpensively so can get by fine on this. I work part time and we have family helping with childcare.

He has been offered a good job at above market rate at approx 30 min commute.
He would like to try to get a closer job and has applied but does not know the salary.
He's said he's applying for another that is probably 40 min away.
In addition he wants to apply for a role with training for another (unnecessary) qualification, where study time is paid at about 1/8 of his usual daily rate- taking it up to full time hours.

I'd like him to take the job he's been offered. He'll not be offered more money for any of the others and can work part time.
I feel like if he wants to work full time doing this extra training, he should just take a normal full time job and we can live more luxuriously (go out for dinners and go on holiday - not champagne and supercars!)

He says I don't get a say, is not me doing the work. I think the job he takes affects the whole family and we should jointly decide. He has refused further discussion and says he will take whichever he wants.

AIBU to suggest we should both decide? Has anyone else has input on which job their partner takes?

prepares to be told IABU

Yanbu in these circumstances

No, it should be his say alone. I'd never let DH dictate my job, it's not his choice.

As long as both of us can meet our share of the bills and household stuff (we both work FT) I don't care. If he wanted to do a token few hours that meant I had to shoulder more of the financial burden I'd say no as that's then not a partnership.

I think you are as none of them impact negatively on the family and it is h8m that has to do the job.

Hmm, I would discuss a job choice with my partner and take their views on board. But the ultimate decision would (and I feel should) be mine. It is true that it is him that will be doing the job so he needs to be happy with his choice. If you push him into taking a job he doesn’t want, every time he has a bad day at work or whatever, the resentment will grow and could end up really damaging your relationship.

I think he should listen to you, but the decision is entirely his. It isn't fair to force someone into a job just because you think it's a good fit for them.

But he is not having a choice at the moment! There is a whole world between application, interview and job offer.
So, while you can voice your opinion, the ultimate decision is his. There is no choice therefore he would be obliged to take what has been offered in order to support the family.

I think he is going to turn down the great offer without having a back up firmly in place, so if he doesn't get one of the other jobs he would be out of work for a while.

Not sure if it matters but a friend of a friend put a word in for him to get this great offer, I think the high salary is a "mates rate" in knowing that he is hardworking etc rather than chancing on a stranger. I think he resents that this offer is through me and not a job he found by himself.

I think he ultimately has to make the final decision, of course, but you’re right that it impacts the whole family and your perspective should be heavily weighted.

My dh left his ft job 5 years ago to start a business. While it was ultimately his final decision, we discussed our options extensively and how it would affect us financially and our family life. I was supportive of his decision after hearing him out (even if it was terrifying to think of going from a guaranteed income to nothing being guaranteed - thankfully he now earns about 4x his previous salary). Similarly, I recently finished a postgraduate degree and got offered a good job (in terms of career and salary) but one that had a significant impact on family life (long hours/commute with small dc at home). It was ultimately my choice to take it and it was a wonderful opportunity, but it still had to be a joint decision.

So I think he has to choose to take the route where his passion lies and what’s best for his career long term, but he can’t do that without considering how it will affect the family as a whole. I would imagine realistically only one of you needs to work pt. if you’re happy with that, perhaps in the long run it’s better if he works ft? Or do you need more support from him to pursue your own work, meaning pt works better overall for the family? I think if it comes down to finances, them you need to decide between you who will take the more lucrative/demanding position. But yes, I think you’re right that it has to be a family decision as it impacts the family, but where possible, I also think you have to support someone following what feels right for them to. That said (and I say this as someone with both a master’s and a PhD), sometimes more qualifications aren’t necessarily better!

Based on your recent post (and again as someone with a lot of degrees in a competitive job market), he should never trust a job will come through and turn one down to wait for it though. I’ve gotten job offers I never expected and not even been offered an interview for jobs I thought I was perfect for. You can always leave a job if something better comes along. But it’s hard to make an offer materialise when you’re suddenly desperate!