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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think sometimes you have to let people go

18 replies

Cheeseplease73 · 20/05/2018 10:50

I’ve had a really close friend for 20 years. She was single for for a long time- like over 10 years- and used to ring all the time & we would talk about everything.
Then she met someone and moved out of the area and pretty much vanished from my life. Whenever we do speak, she’s always telling me that there are loads of things that are now off limits to discuss about her life.
I’ve got fed up to be honest - I felt massively friend dumped anyway when she met new bloke- she vanished very quickly and now is always telling me stuff like ‘couple relationships that do everything together are more likely to last’ etc and has been quite critical of my relationship as we don’t do everything together. I also have kids and she doesn’t.
I feel hurt and a bit used. Like I was convenient when she was single but now i am not.
Wibu to back away? The whole thing makes me feel a bit shit and all the ‘my life is off limits now’ stuff really makes me feel shit.
I feel guilty for feeling like I don’t want her in my life anymore.

OP posts:

NancyDonahue · 20/05/2018 10:56

She will probably resurface once the shine wears off and her dp starts getting fed up of exclusive coupledom. No one can keep that shit up forever.

Original poster

Cheeseplease73 · 20/05/2018 11:05

Part of me thinks that if she did I would want to tell her to piss off!

OP posts:

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 20/05/2018 11:07

I'd tell her where to go. You're not there to be used in between her relationships.

GalwayWayfarer · 20/05/2018 11:08

Definitely ok to dial back OP - nobody should have to put up with toxicity just because you have shared history with them. She sounds very selfish!

LifeBeginsAtGin · 20/05/2018 11:12

Sounds like she's trying to convince herself that her relationship is OK.

Let her go, you've both moved on.

MissStegosaurus · 20/05/2018 11:14

My first thought is that her new bf is controlling and this thing about couples do everything together is coming from him.

Original poster

Cheeseplease73 · 20/05/2018 11:16

@missstegosaurus I have thought the same thing about her partner. He’s very much of the ‘we don’t need’ friends type. I have tried but it’s been 3 years and I am fed up of being told that everything is off limits to discuss etc

OP posts:

MissStegosaurus · 20/05/2018 11:16

I would distance yourself but not cut her off.

PorkyPortia · 20/05/2018 11:19

What has she told you not to talk about Cheaseplease73 ? That sounds odd in itself

Original poster

Cheeseplease73 · 20/05/2018 11:21

@porky anything to do with them really- moving, their new place, if they will have kids or not, their relationship etc. It just feels like our friendship is like talking about the weather and really superficial

OP posts:

PorkyPortia · 20/05/2018 11:26

Wow , so just normal stuff you talk to your friends about
she’s isolating herself by doing that . Do you ever speak to her partner ?

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 20/05/2018 11:31

Does she actually tell you that she can’t talk to you about her personal life? That’s what friends do, they talk about everything. Not much is off limits to a close friend. Sounds like her partner is controlling. Might not all be down to her. When the flush of new romance has worn off and she realises that he’s alienated her friends she might need a shoulder to cry on. Only you can know whether this is down to her or him.

Poptart4 · 20/05/2018 12:17

Sounds like she's in a controlling relationship. Her partner is trying to isolate her and she's letting him. Probably because she was single for so long she's desperate to hold onto him. But that's not your problem and definitely not something you can help her with when she doesn't want any help.

Just because you are friends with someone for X amount of years doesn't mean you should stay friends with them forever. Especially when the relationship goes bad and spending time with them makes you feel like shit.

Nothing stays the same forever. Things change, people change. And sometimes good friends become casual acquaintances.

I would distance myself from her. Don't go out of your way to see her but when you do bump into her from time to time you can still be civil, smile, chat about the weather then walk away and carry on with your day.

I lost my best friend when she got into a serious relationship. She completely ignored me until they broke up. But the damage was done. I thought we were like sisters so it really hurt how quickly and easily she dumped me. She couldn't understand why I didn't welcome her back with open arms after being ignored for 2.5yrs. So I know how you feel.

WhiteFreesias · 20/05/2018 12:19

'off limits to discuss' sounds so strange to me. I can talk about anything with my friends.

Original poster

Cheeseplease73 · 20/05/2018 12:47

I do think she is in a controlling relationship but in the end I feel a bit like it’s her bed now! I have really tried and it’s made me feel like shit

OP posts:

emmyrose2000 · 21/05/2018 02:56

she vanished very quickly and now is always telling me stuff like ‘couple relationships that do everything together are more likely to last’

She's talking bullshit. I've known a few couples that were joined at the hip and every single one of them ending up splitting, either pre or post marriage. It's healthy and normal for couples to have separate interests/time apart in addition to the time they spend together.

It's not necessarily a sign of a controlling relationship either. The couples I've observed in this situation are just two pathetic people who've managed to find each other (though no one knows what goes on behind closed doors either). No idea which category your 'friend' falls into.

As far your friend is concerned, I certainly wouldn't be waiting around for her to grow up. I wouldn't go NC, but I wouldn't engage in any phone/social media interaction, meets ups etc. If I ran into her into public I'd remain polite but superficial. Basically just downgrade her to acquaintance level.

NameChangedForThisQ · 21/05/2018 03:23

The couples I've observed in this situation are just two pathetic people who've managed to find each other

You sound charming

Copperbonnet · 21/05/2018 03:59

People do organise their lives differently though.

I don’t discuss my relationship with DH with my friends. We aren’t joined at the hip, I just consider that stuff private.

I also didn’t, other than in the most general terms, discuss our plans for having children.

I’m not in a controlling relationship. I just don’t conduct my life by committee.

You difficulty isn’t really how she’s behaving, your difficulty is the change from your previous relationship.

It’s fine to step back, particularly if you feel she’s criticising you and your DP. Not all friends are friends for life sadly.

I wouldn’t make a big drama out of it just quietly back off.

You can take comfort in the fact that were there when she needed you.

If she needs you again in future you can decide then what to do.

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