To be shocked

[Notjustamam]

Twins turned 12 today. Had friends over for a party. 1 friend each.
No problem at all, first time I’ve met them but lovely kids.
Friend A disappeared upstairs on playstation. Didn't surface for food.
Friend B helped themselves to food, played with my kids, said dad was collecting them
8pm I ask what's happening. Turns out Friend A is staying over at mine (never met or spoken to parent but they've agreed)
Friend B is allowed to get a bus 5 miles then half mile walk alone at 9.30pm. Again, haven't met or spoken to parents.
Aibu to say never again??

I don’t know why you’d say never again, it’s not their fault that parents won’t collect them/communicate with them.

The PlayStation thing is a bit rude unless they were playing together.

What was the party? was it just having two friends over for a few hours? how did they getbto yours? mine arent that old and I think 12 can be a bit of an inbetween age where parents have different expectations.

i cant imagine letting my child stay over somewhere when i didn't know the parents at all but getting a bus home isnt a big deal is it?

also not clear whether your DD was with the one who disappeared up onto playsttion. if they were with a DD then surely thats ok? If not very odd.

A 'party'?with one friend each?
Were the guest's perhaps expecting a party?
Whole scenario just sounds weird.

The one that disappeared on the playstatiin did it himself. My child had to bring him food.
To me, letting a yr7 child travel 5 miles and walk half a mile on a bus at 9pm on a Saturday is ridiculously dangerous but, maybe in I'm over thinking (hence Aibu)

A) Bit of a crap party with one guest each.
B) When organising a party, you need to confirm all arrangements with your DC and their friends in advance, not on the day.

Party with family, 5dcs and twins were allowed a friend each.

Are they your eldest children? I think year 7 is a bit of a turning point, when children become more independent and can be expected to make their own arrangements to a certain extent. With my eldest, we had to lay down a few ground rules, e.g. ask before bringing someone home or going out somewhere. This is fine and my younger child does this as a matter of course.

I do expect my kids to make their own way home most of the time. I find it quite irritating that some other families expect us to go and pick them up, when they are used to coming home themselves. In particularly one other family where they still refer to 'playdates' and 'childcare' in reference to a secondary age child.

Kids grow up, it is us to us as parents to give them some independence but also make sure they realise the effect on other people. If it's not OK for the sleepover to happen, then you need to ring their parents and make sure they get home safely. Then have a chat with your children about asking you first before inviting people for a sleepover.

@doyoumind I thought I had. New area, new school. Regardless, comprehensive school doesn't have the parental contact junior school has

But what was the party? Did you have a bbq/pizza and a movie etc? going upstairs to play on a console is very rude. What was he meant to be doing though, what was the plan?

Sorry you're probably right about the walking at 9.30 I had missed that in OP.

@remote1 I completely understand your point but think 5 miles on bus plus half mile walk through a well known drinking area at 9.30pm is something I wouldn't let mine do so really struggled to have to let their friend do it

It is a bit late, I can see that. It is tricky but the best thing to do is talk to your children about it tomorrow, when everyone has gone home. Kids make up all sorts of plans sometimes and can be clever at getting their own way. Or they may just not realise the impact of staying too long, e.g. having to get a bus and walk in the dark. I don't think you should be shocked really but remember to check how and when visitors are getting home next time.

In Y7 I wouldn't have let the child go on their own - would have dropped them home tbh.

Not being rude, but it doesn't sound like a particularly great party. Maybe you didn't explain it very well?

A child expected to walk and get a bus alone at that age sounds like YANBU. That seems like a big ask for a child that age.

I've been shocked at how other parents drop their kids (without coming in) and drive off without knowing us at all (for an overnight thing). One party was at my DM's house and I was STUNNED that parents didn't even want to look at us before they dropped their kids off. But my DD's guide leader (responsible for children from the age of 10) told me years ago that she couldn't believe the amount of parents who'd never met her, but expected her to take care and responsibility for their DDs.

If I had a car I would have dropped everyone home.
I really don't mind the sleepover but know I wouldn't allow it other way around as I don't know other parent

YANBU to worry about the child getting the bus that late-that's awful! But I would have got the child to give u parents number and spoken to them yrself to check that info was correct.

I know another child who will head straight for a PlayStation, who comes from a home with no games tech and no broadband. Yes, it’s rude but if that is the case, sort of understandable.
I wouldn’t be happy about the 5 miles on a bus. Nor about the overnight stay.

You have said you are new to the area where they are not. They may be used to allowing their dc on the bus home and walking the last bit. The sleepover I can easily see happening after my eldest stared secondary school I hardly had communication with parents whose kids were sleeping at mine or where she was staying. Without being horrible why did you not as a birthday treat say you can bring one friend for the bbq party and sleepover?

I’ve let my kids stay over with their friends without really knowing their parents. What’s looking at you going to achieve? Unless you wear an ‘I’m a serial killer’ badge then I don’t see the difference. As for the walk home, one of mine would be fine, one would not. It’s not on you to judge someone else’s parenting to the level of knowing if their child can get themselves home or not.

Doesn't sound like a party tbh.
Sounds like you invited family and then only let them have 1 friend when it's there party.
To me it sounds like the boys saw it as chilling at a friend's house rather then a proper party.

It doesn't sound much like a party to me either so I can understand the DC who spent their time playing games, pretty normal behaviour for teenagers. In terms of staying over who decided this, your DC and friend? I would have expected parents to check that this okay. Your DC needs to understand they can't just agree to this. In terms of other DC getting home. I dont know the area so I don't know about the bus, I think in some areas it would be okay and not in others.

I don't mean to sound mean or disrespectful to what you did, and I'm not being nasty, but just as a comparison, when my DD turned 12 (which was November, so had JUST started at secondary school and most of the parents hadn't met) we did treasure hunt/capture the flag in a local wood.

DD sent out all the invites re social media. I made her include my phone number and urged parents to get in touch. Most didn’t. I didn't know most of the people invited. It was the first party where she'd invited boys. All said they were coming and then all except 1 dropped out on the day because it clashed with some football something.

I did ‘scoping’ at the area at least 4 times (walking the route, picking things to use as ‘clues’ and then going back to check nothing had changed as it was autumn and leaves were changing colour and falling off trees). I walked there with DD because her group was going to do the walk “backwards” (it was a short, circular walk and the treasure hunt ended in the middle, with two groups starting from the same point, but one following one half of the circle and the other group following the other) and I wanted to make sure she knew the way.

I went there early on the day of the party to set the clues up for the groups to find.

At the party, DH and I carried folding chairs, blankets and picnic including cake to the central point. We dished out prizes, sorted food. Had to deal with one of DD’s bfs who isn’t very out-doorsy and wasn’t enjoying herself much (and was stopping others from getting stuck in).

During Capture the Flag 2 girls (who I’d never met before and wouldn’t recognise) got themselves lost, and DH went off into a total panic, shouting at all the other children (cos that was helpful!)
They did eventually turn up, but we'd both aged about 10 years by then.

Oh, and another of DD's bfs lost her phone.

So when you say Aibu to say never again?? about what sounds
like a not very eventful sleepover, I'm not quite sure what to say in response.

Party with family, 5dcs and twins were allowed a friend each.

Sorry, that’s the sort of party 5yos have, not almost teenagers. I think it would have been boring for the guests.

Next time give them some money and send them and their mates to McDonald’s and the cinema.

OP I think my first comment is a bit meaner than it was really meant to be. I'm am sure your DC had a lovely family party, it is a more unusual party style so the DC who came round may not really haven identified it as a party. That said focusing in playing computer games isn't unusual for some DC.

Next time give them some money and send 1them and their mates to McDonald’s and the cinema I second this, 12 is too old for this kind of party really.

Obviously myself and family are more protective than others having moved from a rural welsh area to a busier midland area.
For the record, the kids had asked for the family party after having been to the local shopping centre and KFC with a group of friends