Feeling trapped after having kids

[AnxiousKatie]

I have 2 small kids and a good DH. Always knew I'd have kids one day, but never felt maternal. Agreed to have them early as DH was very keen. I love them more than anything of course. However, almost every day I feel like I could just pack up and leave. The older child wouldn't care, but I couldn't do it to the baby as DH would not look after him as well as I would - e.g feeding and changing nappies are done when DH is ready, not when baby needs it.

I have ongoing health problems since having kids and I sacrificed my career and work part time now - have been assigned to an inferior role on my return from maternity leave.
I had an amazing relationship with my DH before kids, but now we can barely talk without arguing. We used to go away all the time, but we were our twice in the last 2 years. Have no family nearby or anyone to ask to babysit. I'm afraid to admit I'm not even keen to spend time with him anymore anyway.
We also live where DH grew up - I'm originally from another country, but moving back is out of the question due to work, shool, language etc. I have a couple of nice friends, but not very close to talk about anything real and I feel lonely...
There are also usual issues: no time for myself or anything, no sleep, mind numbing daily grind, house always being messy no matter how much time I spend tidying, etc etc

I guess I'm just hoping for a bit of perspective. Are you happy with your lives after kids? Do you feel a bit trapped or are you happy with how things are? Is it normal to feel like this?

I'm still in the thick of it like you OP but from what people tell me, this is normal. How old are you now?

Do you get any time for yourself? Could you maybe carve out a few hours once a week where you can do something that's just for you and not work/family life? Put the kids in childcare for one morning or leave them with DH one evening?

BTW, I'm sure your family would really miss you if you left, including your older child.

To a certain degree, I found similar but the kids are now getting a bit older and I am feeling more freedom and getting work back on track. I still dream of escaping sometimes but my heart would never allow it.

Yes I definitely feel trapped at times.

Life was spectacularly hard being a SAHM for 3.5 yrs but now I'm back at work things are so much better.

Like you, I was never maternal. I don't regret having my child but I've found it very challenging. Hence I'll be stopping at one!

Try and make time for yourself, it's so important.

You may be experiencing post natal depression. Perhaps you should have a chat with your health visitor and GP. Take care.

Being a Mum to two young children is incredibly hard work. Any time you can get to yourself would be well deserved, and is completely necessary.

It does get easier as they get older, and it will not be forever. That is not (unless it is just me !) something that is easy to believe at the time. Agree with previous poster, could you afford an extra session of childcare to allow yourself some breathing space ?

Your children will believe you are their world of course. You sound like a lovely mum, and I am sure you are doing an amazing job 😊

I feel trapped in the sense that if, hypothetically, I wanted to leave I couldn't. I couldn't separate my children from their father, I couldn't afford to maintain my lifestyle without my husband's support, I couldn't build my career without his support either and, I couldn't just leave my kids. I can't say that I want to leave but it would also be true to say that my threshold for wanting to leave has been changed because of the above factors. I wouldn't leave my husband at this c point in time unless I felt that I or my children were in immediate peril for some reason or other as opposed to reasons that I may have left immediately if I were childless E. G. Infidelity, generally shitty marriage, wanting to move country but DH not wanting to and so forth. But that is the cost of building a life together and depending on each other. I watched my father supper through that kind of marriage where the last place he wanted to be was with his wife but he couldn't leave. It was horrible for him but he says he doesn't regret it. For him it was the cost he paid to become a father.

Thank you so much for your supportive posts.

Yes, I know couldn't actually leave, but i really wish I could enjoy it all so they would have a happier mummy.

Work used to be a bit of escape, but changed after being away for maternity leave. Still I'm quite content when I'm out of the house working and spending time adults - so I don't think I'm depressed.

To be honest my salary just about covers the childcare, so I couldn't pay for another day. DH doesn't think I should have extra time off as he doesn't get it (which i guess is fair).

Thanks for the advice, maybe having a couple of hours/ an evening away is a start - will try to negotiate with DH and actually do something instead of collapsing on the sofa or doing the usual chores!

Racecardriver -
"But that is the cost of building a life together and depending on each other."

You're so right