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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BF turning up unannounced

15 replies

Dragonade · 19/05/2018 21:05

I'm 5 months into a relationship BF turns up unannounced last night about 9.30pm DS1, DD and DS2 here. I've spent the day painting a ceiling, washing, cleaning, cooking and was sorting out paperwork. He arrived citing he left a charger here he needed. I greet him, chat whilst carrying on with my paperwork before having a bath and collapsing into bed with him. He mentions he has a problem to solve Sunday (at work unpaid) and now won't be over until next Thursday. He stays over, I go to sleep within seconds, truly tired. This morning he is gone by 7.30am and then texts me to say the charger thing was a pretext to see me and I almost completely ignored him.

AIBU to be irritated that he didn't communicate clearly, thoughtlessly changed our plans for the weekend to suit him whilst assuming it to be ok with me. Now projecting it to be my fault, says he 'won't surprise me again' and refuses to acknowledge that he has no need to work Sunday unpaid to sort out a problem that he could do on paid time Monday.

OP posts:
FullOfJellyBeans · 19/05/2018 21:09

YANBU. You can't turn up out of the blue and expect to be made centre of attention.

bakingdemon · 19/05/2018 21:10

Did you say "it's nice to see you, but I'm knackered and I've got other plans for this evening so you need to for around those"?

Oldraver · 19/05/2018 21:12

Did he really want to see you or just sex ?

Rocinante1 · 19/05/2018 21:13

How old is he? It sounds like teenager behaviour - before they’ve learned how adults behave. He needs to grow up.

You’ve got kids, you’ve got housework/chores and admin to do. That doesn’t all dissappear because he shows up at your door.

I’d get this sorted out now with a frank discussion, or end it before it gets any worse. Needy, passive aggressive and selfish behaviour doesn’t just stop.

December2018 · 19/05/2018 21:14

Sounds to me like he's maybe checking up on you or something??
Has he got insecurities? Has he been cheated on in the past or anything like that... bit strange him just popping in so late at night.... this might be really far fetched but my friends ex used to do things like that all the time to try and catch her in the act so to speak... she was totally innocent it was just him being paranoid

lexi873 · 19/05/2018 21:22

My ex used to do this and it was the start of his controlling behaviour, turning up unannounced or if I hadn’t answered my phone.
If there’s any other signs then I’d be wary.

Kocerhan3 · 19/05/2018 21:31

Who the hell does he think he is?! Expecting someone to be all giddy and happy to see him whenever he graces them with his presence?! No no no

On a more serious note, his tantrum response the day after is worrying - if he's turning hostile, then he's showing not only selfish and almost narcissistic behaviour but then trying to making you feel guilty is manipulative and spiteful! Think hard about what kinda guy he is, this may be a one off but it's alarm bells ringing in my ears OP

NorthernKnickers · 19/05/2018 22:28

I would absolutely hate that! Not a chance he'd have been staying for coffee, never mind the night 🙄

Original poster
Dragonade · 20/05/2018 21:45

He wasn't going anywhere once he arrived he doesn't drive TBH I didn't want the surprise, or him there unannounced it did feel awkward rather than romantic. Although generally, I do really like his company, we are just having 'moments'.

I need to tackle the projection issue tho. A few weeks ago we had a night where he sulked badly about my lack of trust in him. Why? because I blocked a cheat website via parental controls on my router after I noticed whenever I had a bath he suddenly started producing lots of high scoring obscure words and trouncing me in a game. He swore he didn't use the cheat against me but as English isn't even his first language I wasn't convinced hence removing temptation. He deleted the app and now doesn't play, surely if he didn't use the cheat against me he could have continued playing and proved me wrong? Wow this could be a new AIBU all on its own

OP posts:
Rocinante1 · 20/05/2018 21:57

Oh my god; really? He sulked because you stopped him from cheating... even though he said he didn’t cheat. How did he know it was blocked if he wasn’t using it! He lied, got caught, you stopped it and he sulked. It’s like a parent and their teenage son.

Can’t you find someone more mature?

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/05/2018 22:00

Hes a liar. Not an attractive trait. People who lie to get what they want arent great boyfriends.

Gardai · 20/05/2018 22:03

I’d have to leave this relationship tbh. It doesn’t sound healthy and it isn’t going to end well.

Hisnamesblaine · 20/05/2018 22:18

He sounds like a drag

seventh · 20/05/2018 23:25

God ....he sounds beyond dull. Get rid.

blackteasplease · 20/05/2018 23:59

I would leave the relationship. He doesn't sound great at all.

Turning up unexpectedly when you have kids in the house, no way. And to compound it by sulking! Plus the cheating and lying about it? couldn't be doing woth any of thay

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