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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Gaslighting

22 replies

Littlemuster · 19/05/2018 19:24

Aibu to think my DH gaslights me?

Example one:
Making dinner and preparing the veg, he asked if I needed help with the veg and I replied that I had the veg under control.
I said DC didn't have a drink, he said I was being rude. (Maybe I should have asked?)
I then said it would have been helpful if he would have started the meat and he said that he asked if there was anything he could help with. Pointed out he asked if he could help specifically with the veg and not 'anything else' but insisted that's what he said.

Example two:
We discussed at length about which date to book a specific day trip, we decided in the may half term.
Yesterday, I commented to him that the weather is looking hopeful and he sounded positive. Today, he made a positive comment about having nothing booked in the may half term and when I reminded him we do he made a face and said "Oh, well then." And I got an instant feeling I had done something wrong.

This is typical. He words things as "you" - "you" have forgotten x, "you" should have done x. Even when it's very obviously "we". He will "forget" things we've booked that required significant planning and act shocked and put out with then dealing with the issues we discussed and accepted. He makes me feel guilty all the time.

Could this be a memory thing? Or is this gaslighting?

OP posts:

KinkyAfro · 19/05/2018 19:27

Lack of communication i think, example one, you could have asked for help with the meat when he asked about the veg...non issue

yoyo1234 · 19/05/2018 19:32

First thing it sounds like it could well just be the veg he was offering to help with. Second thing could well be memory.

Scrumptiousbears · 19/05/2018 19:34

Not Gas lighting. You need to communicate better

Original poster

Littlemuster · 19/05/2018 19:34

He won't do anything without me delegating and I don't have time to do most tasks and delegate too.

What more infuriates me is insisting he said something he didn't and blaming me.

OP posts:

madamefraser · 19/05/2018 19:36

OP my husband does this to me too and I have wondered the same thing in the past , but I think it's just his memory is really bad and he can't remember what's been said . Can you approach him about it ?

bearbehind · 19/05/2018 19:44

I simply don’t get this passive aggressive behaviour between couples that’s prevalent on here lately.

People forget, people don’t always think the same way you do.

Is it not easier to just talk rather than build up resentment.

ALongHardWinter · 19/05/2018 19:47

I don't think this sounds like gas lighting. Gas lighting is when someone makes you start to doubt your own sanity and your memory of events. I think it sounds more like lack of communication and your DH forgetting things.

kitkatsky · 19/05/2018 20:35

Sounds more like passive aggression to me worry. Why didn't you just ask for help with meat or getting DC a drink when he offered to help? Ok he was obv difficult in his response but don't think this 100% his issue if you don't tell him what you need either

Barbie222 · 19/05/2018 21:37

No, it sounds like it could be ordinary misunderstandings. Your tone might have come across a bit funny in the conversation about the drink perhaps? Just thinking out loud.

arethereanyleftatall · 19/05/2018 21:43

This isn't gas lighting.
Example 1 - you were passive aggressive
Example 2 - he forgot.

snowagain · 19/05/2018 21:44

OP, men do love their gaslighting! And what your husband is doing sounds a bit like it. Most men will do anything in their power to shift the blame onto you for anything that is their fault. (Or will make you think it's your fault so they don't get blamed.)

Men don't like to admit they are wrong, and will deny it til they're blue in the face, even when presented with concrete evidence. So they do this 'it's your fault/your responsibility' trick quite often.

snowagain · 19/05/2018 21:44

Oh and yeah he sounds very passive aggressive too.

butlerswharf · 19/05/2018 21:47

Sounds more like poor communication by the two of you

Itchytights · 19/05/2018 21:49

Not gaslighting. Shit communication but not gaslighting.

I say that as someone who has experienced gaslighting and emotional abuse to high levels.

CheeseAndTomSandwich · 19/05/2018 21:49

The last part of your post is the same with me and my husband. He gaslights me which I hate to admit.

Flyfisherlady · 19/05/2018 21:50

He sounds a bit of a dick but not gaslighting.

SecretStash · 19/05/2018 21:53

Apparently I spring things on DH all the time, even though I’ve had several conversations with him about the thing we are supposed to attend.

I write them on the calendar now and make a point of discussing it with him and writing it down in front of him. He saves arguements!

When he has a lot on his mind and I’m discussing stuff with him that’s 2 months away, he will agree and even make a quick plan about it but he will soon have his attention on something else and the information has gone.

It needs to be written down so he sees it regularly (telling him regularly is nagging). I have a better memory for things like that, but I have bad memory for other things when I’m busy and DH always remembers those.
We can’t all remember everything.

With regards to the veg, I’m not really sure I understood that.
Did he refuse to get the DC a drink?

ShackUp · 19/05/2018 21:54

My DH does this too.

I had the screaming abdabs at him when I was pregnant with DS2 hormonal because he never put anything in the diary and kept forgetting important dates and things have improved a bit since then...

DoJo · 19/05/2018 21:54

In the first scenario, it sounds like you wanted him to put on the meat, but didn't tell him that because he only asked if he could help with the veg. In that situation, I would say that you were being passive aggressive by not asking him to do something because of the way he offered to help, them blaming him for not doing what you wanted despite the fact that you didn't ask him. Why wouldn't you just say 'the meat needs to go in' when he asked instead of waiting for him to specifically ask if he could help with the meat?

The second example sounds like he was a bit embarrassed that he had forgotten the arrangements that you had made - it's easily done. Do you have a calendar, wall planner or online app or something where you write dates down? Because if not, then that would probably help.

Original poster

Littlemuster · 19/05/2018 22:27

With example one - I was a bit overwhelmed multitasking but was on to getting the veg prepared, no worries. Definitely didn't withhold asking for help with the meat on purpose but at that moment, didn't have the brain space to delegate. It's a regular meal we cook so he knows what needs to be done but has been really lazy recently with helping me. He was standing in the corner just staring at me doing it which is why I said to him that he could of got on with the meat.
He got DC the drink after much arguing that I was rude for saying "DC doesn't have a drink."
Example two - It's been on the calendar for 2 months in bold pink writing and like I said I had commented on the weather outlook just yesterday. It seems he's decided that it's best to not have booked anything and therefore somehow forgotten that it's booked and it's definitely my choice of booking.
He thinks it's too much now. And I know that if it turns out quite stressful like he fears, it will be 'i told you so.'

OP posts:

Original poster

Littlemuster · 19/05/2018 22:33

I keep finding that I have to remind myself that I'm capable, as everything that goes wrong is my fault. It's given my self confidence a big bashing.
I also feel like recording all our conversations because he never 'remembers' things, says I've said things I haven't or that he said something different.
It's mentally draining.

OP posts:

Doyoumind · 19/05/2018 22:35

Not gaslighting. Gaslighting isn't just annoying, it's soul destroying and it's another term that gets misused and over-used on MN.

I agree it's all a bit PA and you need to sort out what the problem between you is.

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