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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my DF is super tight?

41 replies

couchgriffon · 19/05/2018 17:00

I’ll try to make it short but at the same time I don’t want to drip feed.

I moved to the UK 2.5 years ago to be with my DP and am currently 6 months pregnant with our first child. My relationship with DF is pretty odd, he’s been there on and off during my own childhood, but since moving to the UK and settling down with my partner I have decided to keep him in my life as things have gotten better between us.

My DP has only met him a few times due to the distance but has each time commented on how tight DF comes across.

As an example, DF has just flown home from a 4-day stay at our place. He slept on our couch to save money, fair enough. DP and I are a young couple and not exactly that well off but manage to get by within our means. Still, DF never offered to pay for anything; I took him to Tesco’s a few times to do the shopping and paid for his beer, food, bus tickets into the city etc.. Brought him along to a private 4D scan which was quite costly and I thought we’d perhaps go out for dinner or something after as we see so little of each other, but he bought us a McDonald’s. On day 3, he ran out of Sterling (he had brought over £80 in total which was to cover airport and taxi transfers too), and refused to go to an ATM to take out more money, so we were stuck in the house as me and DP couldn’t keep paying for everything.

He’s bought our DC an outfit from Tesco so far and nothing else.. DP’s parents have financed quite a bit for us so I can’t help but feel odd. DF is not super rich, but he and his wife do have a nice apartment, a good car, they treat themselves quite often and go on holidays. He keeps going on about how he can’t wait to be a Grandad but I can't help but be put off by how tight he is. AIBU?

OP posts:

Petalflowers · 19/05/2018 21:43

He was only staying with you a few days. As the host, I would expect you to buy the meals.

Maybe he had intended to buy a more expensive outfit, but Tesco was the first chance he had to get something, and he wanted to get something, rather than nothing (and Tesco clothes are quite nice now).

I don’t really think he has done anything wrong.

mayhew · 19/05/2018 22:03

He's tight. I wouldn't be inviting him back in a hurry. My parents used to stay with me when we were young and skint but always brought some nice food and wine and would take us out to eat at
least once. They also entertained themselves very well.
My DHs parents lived nearer so would often take us out for lunch.
As the parent now visiting, we enjoy treating our daughter and boyfriend. We don't spend lavishly but we are aware having visitors is a strain and we want our visit to be pleasurable for them and not a burden. I'd be horrified if she didn't enjoy our visits.

OliviaStabler · 19/05/2018 22:59

Who invited him to stay?

CalF123 · 20/05/2018 14:40

People are being ridiculous on this thread. The vast majority of parents would offer to contribute(if not pay) for costs incurred in having them. Him buying a McDonalds instead of taking you out for a meal is laughable.

Stroller15 · 20/05/2018 14:56

My parents are also from another country and with the exchange rate we (DH and I) pay for everything when they are visiting. My parents already had to pay for flights to get here. I wouldn't never expect them to buy us food?! We're not children anymore so don't see why they should still be providing.

CalF123 · 20/05/2018 15:14

@Stroller15

No-one's expecting them to provide but it's beyond tight to pitch up to stay and not even contribute to the costs of your own food or pay for a meal out in lieu of that.

BackforGood · 20/05/2018 15:23

Depends on his finances though.
Yes, a lot of us, as parents, are better off than young couples starting out, but it's not a given.
He probably has a car, apartment, holiday etc as he's saved for them and budgeted for them. He's still spent money coming to see you.
Being careful or sensible isn't the same as being tight.
Having a nice apartment, isn't the same as having lots of 'spending money'.

CalF123 · 20/05/2018 15:27

Expecting your DC to pay for all your food and activities while you visit is not being "careful"- it's being a cheeky fucker.

OliviaStabler · 20/05/2018 15:30

It's just odd knowing he has all these expensive hobbies at home which he constantly talks about, but shows no interest in helping out his own pregnant daughter even if he knows we are not that well off.

Sounds like he was trying to make a point.

OopsPardonMrsArden · 20/05/2018 15:36

I have a friend a bit like this- he has a great job in IT and very few outgoings but doesn't think to even offer to pay for stuff. Except now when he comes I tell him straight to bring beer he'd like to drink etc. Some people just don't know how to be a guest and need it spelling out. It is a bit odd from a parent though.

hoopyloop2016 · 20/05/2018 15:37

Maybe he thinks as you two are adults and expecting a child he didn't have to give you money but shopping ect? Maybe he is struggling for money.

Though when my mum last visited she brought the grocery shopping a family of then 5 so feeding and washing for an extra person makes no diffrence (it wasn't expected) she also bought us dinner (not expected) she also helped clean too again not expected.
When we go to my DPs parents house we always ask if there is anything they need ect.

Troels · 20/05/2018 16:10

He does sound tightfisted.
You are young, pregnant and broke, he kipped on your couch and blagged free food and beer.
He should have at least taken you out to dinner or got a takeawy for you all.

sockunicorn · 20/05/2018 16:39

if i ever stay in someones house i would suspect they would have house food in, I would turn up with flowers or wine and pay for myself when out. Then I would suggest we go and ME pay for a meal for everyone out as a thank you for having me (with the money i saved from a hotel stay). your DF is tight.

TooManyPaws · 20/05/2018 16:49

If I go to stay anywhere, I bring flowers, wine, presents. I also pay for at least one meal or shop, as well as a treat when out.

Even when skint. Anything else is tight and sheer bad manners.

Bluntness100 · 20/05/2018 16:56

I can't imagine a scenario I would go to stay with my daughter and expect her to pay for everything. I'd want to treat her, I'm actually quite shocked some people think it's normal.

And even if it was just a friend and not my daughter, I would never expect them to pay for everything. I take booze, chocolates and flowers. If I was staying more than one night, I'd stand them to a meal.

It doesn't matter how much he spent travelling there, to expect you to buy his beer and only get you a McDonald's is very very odd behaviour in my opinion if he is not financially struggling. I don't think any decent person would take from their own child in that manner. I certainly wouldn't and no one I know in real life would either.

Juells · 20/05/2018 17:02

My DD and her partner are much better off than I am, but any time I go to visit (just for the day, they're quite close) I bring lots of nice food for lunch as they both work from home and often have an empty fridge if they haven't had time to go shopping. So it's something nice I can do for them. I can't imagine going to visit my other DD who lives in a different city, and not contributing or taking her out for a meal.

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