My Dad strikes again, actually upset me this time

[SpikyCoconut]

Maybe more shaken than upset.

My Dad offered to put a washing line up for me and DP some time ago and has kept saying he'd do it soon. We never mentioned it again, didn't ask him to,wasn't a problem.

A few weeks ago he sent me a msg asking if we could dig some holes for the posts to go in, giving measurements. I showed DP the measurements, and DP dug the holes. My Dad saw the holes when he came round for a drink and a bbq last bank hol (you may remember my previous thread).

ANYWAY. I was at fault today because this morning I had a text at around 8 am from my Dad, and I didn't hear it, didn't see it. My fault, I accept this totally.

There was a festival in a neighbouring town today and my friend had a stall so we decided to go to that. We'd just arrived there at lunchtime ish when my 'phone rang, my Dad asking did I get his message.

I said 'no sorry', he said 'where are you'? I said at *** festival. I then said 'Sorry, had you called I'd have answered I just didn't hear the notification for the mesg' he then had a massive go at me again, shouting that I never answer my bloody phone and It's always same and don't give him that etc etc (I do answer my phone, not always but who can say they always do if at work/out somewhere noisy etc etc)?

(He turned up to my BBQ 3 hours later than I had sent the invitation txt, because he didn't see it.. I'm digressing.)

His text had said he wanted our help with shifting some flags this morning as he didn't have time to do it but it would only take about ten mins.

I absolutely would have done this had I known about it, I am cursing myself for not seeing that text message.

Remembering the advice from the last thread, when he began shouting and balling at me I put the phone down.

I then replied to his text saying 'Sorry, didn't hear the message, if you'd have called I'd have answered, we'll do it when we get back?xx'

But I couldn't relax at the festival so we came back after about an hour. It was a half hour walk to the car then 25 mins drive, if relevant.

We got back and he was in the garden digging the holes. He started having a go at me because the holes weren't dug right. I originally thought he was talking to DP as he knew I hadn't' dug the holes but he wasn't, he was having a go at me. He was shouting loudly and aggressively, very obviously angry..DP didn't say anything at first, I was really confused-I said well DP did them how you asked?

He then shouted that I just wanted to blame someone else and I said 'Dad but, I didn't dig the holes?' DP then said 'yes I dug them'.

Apparently they weren't the right size but then, he'd looked at them at the BBQ and could have said something then.

Anyway he then shouted in a really threatening manner that if I EVER put the phone down on him again he'll be' down the 'phone'.

I tried to stay calm,was shaking (still am)! and said 'And if you do I'll call the police' (I feel bad about this, but he was implying he'd go for me as he has before albeit not for a very long time).

He said 'And see what I'll do if you do!'

Then, Me: 'You don't reply to your text messages!'

Him: 'I don't deal in text messages I deal in face to face me!!'

Me:'Why didn't you ring or come round then?'

Him: 'Cause you dont' answer your phone!'
Me: 'I don't answer it if it doesn't' ring'!

I then went into the house and hid and cried, very proud I didn't break in front of him (I have before).

I am pretty shaken up stil but glad I stood my ground. He's always been this way.

I am upset my day's been ruined, don't understand why he couldn't have rang or knocked on the door, don't see what the big deal is at all, and I really really don't think its right that he threatened me or spoke to me like this in my garden (I am sure the neighbours would have heard, he's a VERY loud person).

DP didn't measure the holes, not realising how particular my Dad is about these things so I told DP that's my fault for not emphasising it. Sorry if this is a bit jumbled. DP said my Dad did look as if he'd go for me any minute. I just remember from the last thread someone saying 'he sees you as a child he can tell off', and this, I am definitely seeing now. Not that I'd ever speak to a child like that (or anyone)! anyway.

What a truly horrible man. Has he always treated you like that?

And wtf is your partner just standing there for twiddling his thumbs whilst your dad is screaming at you like that?

I think that's unfair. Anyone would wonder what the heck to do if their FiL turned out to be a raging abusive psycho. Perhaps the OP loves her DH exactly because he's so different to her own abusive father? How is two men bellowing at each other better for the OP who'd be stuck in the middle.

NC seems the best and safest way to go. Sooner or later he'll work himself up to hitting you, then the police will be involved. Nightmare situation, but it could escalate, he thrives on violent confrontation.

No way would I put up with that! I would have shown him the door. Get him to fuck and go NC. You don't need this OP.
Sadly abusive people make sure you are the one to feel guilty.
Sorry about your day!

@SusanneLinder

No way would I put up with that! I would have shown him the door.

You or I could do that because we weren't brought up by an abusive father. :( I imagine it's much more difficult for anyone who's had to put up with this sort of behaviour when they were powerless children.

Cant believe your partner thought he could attack you any minute, but didn’t step in There have been a few comments about OPs DP and I think it's another case when, if you haven't been raised by an abusive parent you can't imagine how that could happen.

When we were younger I don't think DH quite knew what to make of it. We are all brought up to respect our elders and it is hard to accept it when a parent consistently acts in a manner that is not in the least bit parent like. It doesn't make sense and it isn't easy to decide how you are supposed to act.

Nowadays my DH will never step in to protect me when my dad is doing his thing. DH will step in if I tell him to, but won't step in as it only deprives me of my autonomy, my control. I don't need another man doing what is best for me without my consent.

My DH WILL support every decision I make, will help me rationalise why, in my 50s, I still struggle to prevent my father from walking all over me. He reminds me I don't have to do it all myself, that he will happily tell my father exactly where to go, but he won't insist or act without my having asked.

I appreciate that will only make real sense to posters who have the misfortune to have parents who cannot act like parents. But I hope it goes some way to explain why neither OP nor her OH managed to strong arm her DF out of their garden.

He’s a shit- it’s coming over very strongly that you are used to being ‘in the wrong’ and blaming yourself for things-

People miss texts/phone calls whatever all the time- so they get bollocked for it? NO

People don’t get the job exactly right all the time. Do they get shouted at? No

I’m so glad you stood your ground.

Well done for standing your ground. I hope youre feeling better now.

He sounds like an absolute arse. Yanbu.

• @Juells* How do you know I didn't have an abusive father? I actually did. And when I became an adult , I stood up to him, lost my temper and gave him what for. I then went NC.

It seems pretty unanimous that my Dad was out of order. As a fair few responses have implied, this was my normal growing up and as a result it isn't always obvious how bad someone is actually being when you're just used to them being like that all the time and other family accept it as just the way things are. DP was very shocked actually, but has been round this morning to talk to him and say how out of order he was .

Apparently my Dad just put all the blame back onto me though, saying I was too emotional and I have always been like this. DP said he owed me an apology and he said he's allowed to speak his mind.

Thanks biggirl , I am quite proud of how I responded and acted so calm until I was out of his sight. I feel bad that DP has been dragged into it. He will never admit he's wrong, he thinks he's right to talk to me like that.
Also my Mum visited. She said he can#t control histemper to whichI said absolute bollocks mum,he's a grown man. Hes just never had to you've been enabling him for years.

Definitely never letting him do any jobs or anythign for us again.
I dont have my own children, have been a stepparent to DPS but youngest is 18 now so not 'children'.I would go nuts if he ever had any negative effect on them. That is an admirable conduct, aspergallus.

My DP was more or less frozen to the spot ,hasnt ever seen him act like that before. People say It's shocking, It's not at all to me because he's been like this all my life. I find it quite sad as the other side of him is funny and caring and I would love us to get on and have a good relationship.

He is a narcissist isn't he, fc301. never considered that before. I am annoyed today because one of his old friends who I like a lot (he used to stick upfor me when my dad was awful when i was a child) was round at my parents for a dinner with his wife and I would have likedto have popped in to say hello but I didnt want to see my Dad.

DP is quite a nervous person and although part of me does wish I'd have been stuck up for, I also am glad DP isnt anything like him.

My Mum's general opinion over years is 'He's just like that'
'he's like that with everyone' (he isnt)!

'Youre too sensitive'

It's very apt is that ohyesiam. I was constantly scared as a kid and It's definitely affected me as an adult but recently I've been so much better at dealing with him.I kind of look at myself, things i've done, jobs, good deeds, charity work, caring things and think I did that despite him and I am a good person.I dont know what he thinsk about me really other than I'm a stupid child. Thank you
Ihasting I am annoyed about that. I work hard and life's been a pain up the ass for me and DP recently and I was looking forward to yesterday.
He has form for setting things up like that juells but I didnt think of it in this instance, you could be right. I can think of a few examples when he's done that.

It did scare me dusty and I cannot put my finger fully on why. I'm not a 'frightened' sort of character generally, I dont get nervous in many situations whereo other people may do. Its just him. I really didnt want him to know he'd 'won'and I was upset because I held my own when it was happening, acted calmly and responded without emotion (hopefully!) just wanted to be out of his sight when it was over, I was pretty shaken up.
Yes he has loppers although not all the time, sometimes beleive it or not he's really nice!

Yes curious It's always my fault . He even blames me for his conduct when I was a small child.

Thanks helmet and redex Its really quite riduclous what he was saying when I think about it. 'I dont deal in text messages' (the whole thing was started by a text message!)and shouting at me for something done wrong that I didnt even do (not that he should shout at anyone like that regardless obviously).

I am feeling better now although it has effected me. It was an upsetting thing to happen.

Just learned from my mum that he's surprised I didn't turn up yesterday

@SusanneLinder

How do you know I didn't have an abusive father?
I actually did. And when I became an adult , I stood up to him, lost my temper and gave him what for. I then went NC.

Apologies Susanne. I was wrong to assume that. It was amazingly brave of you to stand up to your father.

IDK if someone said this already but the reason the OP accepted the offer of help with the washing line is that when people like this offer you help, they get really angry if you refuse. My mother is like that. I suspect my mother has NPD.

You're in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) OP and that's why you're seeking in your post to justify everything you did - you've lived with this for a long time and it's been programmed into you that you're always in the wrong, which is why you feel like you have to double check and provide evidence for why you weren't out of order. But for everyone reading this it screams out that your dad is the unreasonable - abusive - one, and that there is really nothing that would ever justify him talking to you that way. I think it's really cool that you stood up to him but if I were you I would start looking for ways to limit contact with him. You don't have to be brave and stand up to him - it doesn't mean anything, whether you feel able to do that or not, he's your lifelong bully, you just don't need to pass this test IYSWIM. It's perfectly fine to just avoid him. And if he gives you grief about that, avoid him even more. If you avoid him or enforce any boundary with him he'll get angry but that anger is not your problem, you have no responsibility to witness it or manage it or fight it or anything. You can just walk away from it, and you should.

This really is the perfect opportunity for you to go very low contact. Or NC.

Before you have children!

"You're too sensitive", "too emotional", "a stupid child" and "he's allowed to speak his mind". It's absolutely classic op. Do have a look at that stately homes thread. I'm sorry, as family is not an easy thing to walk away from. Not having the drama around is nice though.

Don't ask him to do stuff for you in future

Please realise that you don’t have to put up with this. I’d tell him to go fuck himself and don’t bother contacting you again.

Don't ever ask or allow him to do you any further 'favours' in the future. See as little of him as possible. Your call as to whether you continue to see much of your mum but she's allowed you to grow up with an abuser so she doesn't deserve an enormous amount of sympathy.

"You're too sensitive", "too emotional", "a stupid child" and "he's allowed to speak his mind". It's absolutely classic op.

Yes, I got: 'It's both of you, not just him. It's six of one and half a dozen of the other.'

It's incredibly undermining when the parent who you're supposed to be able to trust says stuff like this.

OP, it's not you being too sensitive or emotional. It's him being a twat.

Your call as to whether you continue to see much of your mum but she's allowed you to grow up with an abuser so she doesn't deserve an enormous amount of sympathy

Yes - this!

It was her job as a parent to protect you and look after you. She didn't do it.

Your mother can choose to leave him or stay. She knows the consequences of staying. Maybe NC with them might give her the shake up she needs to leave him.

Whatever their relationship, if I were you I'd block all contact with him, shut the door and breathe a big sigh of relief.

Sympathy to all those who've had less than fatherly fathers.

We live so close, and he's with my Mum still. I just wish he just didn't do these things. If I put up with it I am giving the message that I think he's better than me and he can treat me however he wants (as he already seems to think) and I dont want that.
I will look at the stately homes thread.

I got that too, semster from my Mum, for as far back as I can remember. She's told me she'll try have a word with him. I am definitely avoiding any encounters with him for now

Two words

No
Contact

Three more

Never
Ever
Again!

My Mum's general opinion over years is 'He's just like that'
Yes, he's an utter bastard. She's only marginally better if she's allowed it.
'he's like that with everyone' (he isnt)!
He's an utter bastard to everyone (or not)
'Youre too sensitive'
You're not an utter bastard. You're a decent person who's endured years of it.
There was a better use for the shovel than digging holes for a washing line....

There was a better use for the shovel than digging holes for a washing line....

He really isn't like this with everyone.He can be truly awful to my Mum,but only me he's on this scale with.