I’ve just read my reply back, I was shattered & meant it doesn’t matter.
TY @RayDropOfGoldenSun DC’s have dealt with other children later on that saw they wouldn’t really retaliate, or that they were well behaved, I don’t know how children’s minds work. We dealt with similar during primary sadly.
There was a child who really had it in for DC, so they would go out of their way to try and get DC into trouble. Obviously not being morons if they got into trouble at school it was also reinforced at home.
I know each parent has their own method, but withdrawing a favourite toy is so much more effective, than say smacking or screaming at DC. I found just a change in the time of my voice, DC would be embarrassed or upset and go to their room and sulk for a bit.
When it comes to discipline in general, the praise sandwich works well, but adapted so you say to DC, what you just did was naughty, it was wrong because bla bla, you’re not usually naughty, so you’ve been told, please don’t do this again, or we will remove favourite toy till you can behave like a good boy/girl.
The only time I’ve ever raised my voice to DC, I think it was PFB, was when they wouldn’t listen and were determined to squash a spider. I’d said no please don’t do that so many times, spider was nearing death, so I raised my voice and said leave the spider alone. The look of shock on DC’s face said it all. I explained that spiders are useful because... it’s tiny so a lot more scared of us than we should be of it. It won’t hurt you in any way.
There’s a neighbour who you can hear screaming from 3 houses away, usually starting from half 7 till late at night. I just don’t think it’s effective taking your anger/frustration out on your child. I was born at a time when smacking/screaming was accepted, I vowed I would never do the same.
It works well as ex H is possibly slightly different in approach, to me they over react to the smallest things. Both DC can tell me anything, we have fun, they know that nothing is off limits. I think that’s nice as a parent that they feel they can approach you. I never felt like that with my parents. I would rather them educated with no worries, than say be filled with fear, too scared to ask something.
I don’t think it’s attachment parenting, I studied counselling & psychology, it just made sense that positive reinforcement would help them understand, why tormenting your sister isn’t a good idea. Or whatever other scenarios.
I’ve got friends who are teachers who are swore at by 5 year olds. The eldest is a teen and knows that swearing demonstrates a lack of imaginative communication.
I hope you all get the nastiness towards your DC sorted. I would keep communication as an adult to a minimum, as we’re all precious about our DC, if you tell another child once to not do something and they persist, it’s easier to get play group leader / teacher to deal with it. As they’re likely to be seen as authority figures to both parent and child.
I’ve said in other posts, as we’ve had the joy of SATs with the youngest, building up their self belief and self confidence via positive reinforcement has a lasting impression. So where ex H wants DC to get top grades, just trying hard and achieving their best is fine by me. Their happiness is paramount.