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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think I could report him

41 replies

LittleLionMansMummy · 18/05/2018 13:50

Long story, but essentially dsis is leaving her controlling stbxh after 20 years. They're still living together but she's found a job and a house and will be moving out and getting on with her life in a few weeks. Yay!

But she's just discovered a tracking device in her car, which has clearly been put there by him to track her movements and without her knowledge. Am I right in thinking this is actually illegal? Dsis doesn't want to remove it because it'll alert him that she knows. I doubt she'd want to report him as they have a daughter together and she'll worry about the impact on her if her dad gets in trouble. But I'm absolutely fuming on her behalf. How bloody dare he?!

I'd like to hear your advice on possible action. We'd love to put it in one of our cars instead, but don't think that will actually achieve anything.

He's being a total arse in every other respect too, no surprise given the bully he is, but she's coping admirably.

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 18/05/2018 15:53

Suggest to your sister that she reports it to the local police DV unit. It's a good idea to get an official log of arsehole behaviour when leaving an abusive man, because if they've already got his name and a list of his scummy behaviour, they may respond quicker and/or take it more seriously if he escalates once she's got away.

Bananalanacake · 18/05/2018 16:01

Someone else will have to help move her stuff to the new house or he will know where it is.

Tartanscarf · 18/05/2018 16:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JennyOnAPlate · 18/05/2018 16:08

Parcel it up and post it to the other side of the world somewhere.

Don't report it, it's not your decision to make.

TooTrueToBeGood · 18/05/2018 16:13

You have to let her make her own decisions. My advice to her, for consideration, would be to leave it there and say nothing. If she removes it, or otherwise lets on that she knows about it, his next attempt to track her may be much more difficult to detect.

Out of interest, is she sure he's not done anything to her phone as well?

Bouledeneige · 18/05/2018 16:23

Encourage her to report it. But if she doesnt want to she should definitely remove it and put it on a bus, van, lorry or other vehicle or down a drain.

Its important she removes it as I am concerned she is not safe with him stalking her and he should not be allowed to do so. She shouldn't say anything about it to him and he can hardly raise it can he without incriminating himself?

Hissy · 18/05/2018 16:25

If the car legally belongs to him
She can't take it off.

So does that mean if my other half buys me a phone he can track my movements?

No it doesn't.

She should have it taken off. At the end of the day, he can't raise the issue without revealing that he knows of its existence... to know of it's existence means he both put it there AND he uses it.

UpstartCrow · 18/05/2018 16:30

She should take it to the police, and contact Paladin who support victims of stalking.

elisenbrunnen · 18/05/2018 18:18

Hissy - it depends on whether the car or phone is his, and lent to DW or for her use. If car or phone is a gift, no he can't put a tracker on it, and you'd be within your rights to remove it. If it's his, he can, and you can't.

AuntFidgetWonkhamStrongNajork · 18/05/2018 18:35

Has she checked the house for cameras and her phone, her pc/laptop for dodgy software?

10storeylovesong · 18/05/2018 19:35

And to second UpstartCrow, Paladin is an excellent resource to help.

Stalking and harassment is extremely serious. The most dangerous time to a women in a DV relationship is when she makes the move to leave as the loss of control can push the abuser into escalating their behaviour.

Original poster
LittleLionMansMummy · 19/05/2018 08:15

To answer a few questions.

The car is hers. I gather that the illegal bit is that he's done it without her knowledge so there are data protection issues if nothing else (but yes it's also stalking/ harrassment).

The control element has been financial and emotional, not physical. It's not really his 'style' as he's more of a mind game player and manipulator.

I mentioned the phone and she said he hasn't got hold of it at all and says there's nothing obvious that she can see on there - but asked if he might have done something that she's not aware of.

He knows where she'll be working and living because they have a dd who will share 50/50 residency. Dsis isn't scared of him, she believes the tracker is to try to catch her having an affair. She has become close to another man and unfortunately he found out about it. She is leaving him because of the abuse and had been planning to do so for some time, but this other relationship was the final nail in the coffin. They haven't seen each other romantically for a number of weeks and are maintaining a distance.

OP posts:
Hissy · 19/05/2018 08:38

If someone were tracking me without my knowledge- in these circumstances- I’d absolutely remove it.

There is no way the law would entitle anyone to do that, in a private setting vs commercial

LakieLady · 19/05/2018 08:44

I really like the idea of putting it on a bus - ideally a National Express coach that travels really long distances.

GnomeDePlume · 19/05/2018 08:49

Attach it to his own car then he will spend his time looking over his shoulder thinking she is following him.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 19/05/2018 09:39

Attach it to his own car then he will spend his time looking over his shoulder thinking she is following him.

Genius!

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