to ask for help wording response

[Pawpaw60]

Hello...

A long time friend of mine is quite flakey when it comes to making plans. After I had my dd she asked to visit me in hospital but then didn't show up. Asked to visit about 10 times in the first year after dd was born and cancelled each time due to suddenly having alternative plans with some guy. Finally met up once when dd was 1, and then about 13 months later....in between various other cancelled meet ups. Well, she was supposed to visit this week but cancelled the morning of the visit because she'd been out the night before and overdone it with some exercises during the day. She has sent two messages asking if I'm annoyed, and wanting to reschedule. I had already predicted that she would cancel, but yes, of course I'm annoyed. I don't think she was even planning to let me know she wasn't coming...like I am just lolling around all day with nothing to do and therefore it wouldn't matter if she just didn't show up. Anyhow, i haven't replied. Despite her flakiness she's a lovely girl and I don't want to fall out with her, but just for once I would like her to know that it's not ok to treat people this way. I need help with wording....please..

'Yes, I am annoyed. This happens almost every time we make arrangements that meet up. Why is that?'. I know it's very blunt, but she really has been extremely inconsiderate.

that = to!

Don’t be a doormat. Her actions/inactions have consequences. As a one off it’s ok, but she’s not valuing you as she should be.

"Yes I am a bit annoyed, it isn't the first time you have cancelled on me at the last minute and it makes me feel like I am not very important to you. I really like you and like spending time with you - so if you feel the same lets get a new date that works for both of us and stick to it! :-)"

'Yes I am a bit annoyed. Please don't make plans with me in future if you aren't going to stick to them.'

@FreudianSlurp

I have had a similar situation, and asked my friend to stop making plans with me but to check with me on the day instead. If I'm free, great! If I'm not, try another time.

Brilliant response!

"yeah I'm upset as I was looking forward to seeing you, and this cancelling at the last minute seems to happen alot. It just makes me feel a bit disposable to you."

Text back: “Sorry, who is this?”

Thanks for the suggestions. I'm going to count up the exact number of cancellations and just drop that info back at her.

ALiensAbductedMe, that's exactly what I'd like to write . I'll add in the number of cancellations.

...then sit back and wait for the angry "so now you're keeping count!" 🤣

To be honest, I read this and it reminded me of a friend of mine who has severe anxiety/depression issues and often flakes at the last minute. Is it worth asking her if she's OK? It might be something like this.

"Why would I be angry? It's hardly a surprise. You cancel on me every time. It's very clear where I stand in your priorities"

Aliens wording is great. And agree that adding in the total number of cancelations would be counter productive.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy... nope, she was at a concert the night before...posted photos on fb and about what a great night etc...and was clearly too tired to be bothered trekking up to see us at the time she proposed (10am)...

I don't want to be mean in my response, but I just want her to realise that it's not on.

You don't have to be mean in your response, just keep it factual.
"Why do you think I might be angry at you not showing up yet again? I have no idea what would give you the impression that someone you agreed to meet up with (having missed several other occasions to meet too) might be peeved at another no show".

What I would do is each time she asks to visit or meet up in future, just say "sorry cant, i'm busy" and when she pushes to set a time and date to meet just say," look I'm sorry, I'm too busy, and every time we make plans you cancel, I have things to do"

I certainly wouldn't keep making plans with her,

I like MsVestibules response best. Direct and to the point.

‘You want to know if I’m annoyed at you constantly cancelling on me - does this mean I’m my shoes you would be?’

"Annoyed? To be honest I never really expected you to show up. You cancel far more times than you keep appointments so I take anything you say with a pinch of salt these days"

I would just put - "a bit, but I'm used to it!" and then a lol emoji to make it seem a bit jokey but she'll still get the message xx

To be honest, I read this and it reminded me of a friend of mine who has severe anxiety/depression issues and often flakes at the last minute. Is it worth asking her if she's OK? It might be something like this.

I've been there myself and have come up with some silly excuses in the past. I'd definitely go in gently in case it is something like that. Something like:

"I am a little frustrated that we keep making plans that you often miss. Are you ok? I'm here for you if there's something going on with you that you're struggling with"

Nothing passive aggressive. Just tell the truth.

'I was expecting it as you always seem to cancel at the last minute. How about next time you want to meet up, message me on the day and I'll let you know if I'm available. Hope to see you soon'