I was with my ex partner for just over a year, I fell pregnant only a few months into the relationship but we still decided to give it a go. I knew he had a dodgy past (criminal record, aggression, drugs etc) but thought it was just that, in the past.
When we moved in together when I was around 7 months pregnant he would always disappear for a nights to spend time getting high with his friends, was pretty lazy never helped with anything despite me being 8 months pregnant and still working on my feet to make rent and utility payments. I thought it was typical male behaviour or nerves about the baby so just left it.
When I had the baby it just got worse, the night before I was induced he came back completely hammered messed up the flat kicked me out the bed calling me a moody bitch etc and then saying how horrible I am etc when I said I didn't want him at the birth. I was left for nights and days with a newborn baby on my own, still doing absolutely everything, when I asked for help hed say 'No I'm comfy' and roll back over in bed until about 1pm. If I challenged him he said all you do is have a go at me, you harass me etc. It would lead to these explosive arguments ans one night in the snow he pulled out the electricity leaving me with no way to feed our baby.
I always stayed because he told me all women want to do is take babies away from their fathers, calling me a child snatcher etc. After another argument he told me to just fuck of so I did that (even though it was only me paying for the flat). He was then so apologetic said he adored me, then said he didn't want to live unless I was with him and disappered threatening to kill himself if I didn't come back. I stood my ground and he just switched to all these angry abusive messages calling me a child abuser, a danger to our child, taking me to court etc and considerable amount more.
Before all of this he said he was like this because he had postnatal depression but I was the reason for his depression because all I did was have a go at him. I have not stopped him from seeing his daughter but unless it's on his terms he won't accept anything else and has told everyone I'm stopping him (I am keen and know the importance of having a father child relationship, I have arranged all the visits and there have been a few issues each time DD came back).
Anyway I'm listening to a programme on the radio about postnatal depression in fathers and how it's unrecognised and a stigma with it. I basically want to know if I should be more compassionate towards him because of it all and if he was genuinly depressed and I've been so ignorant of it.
There is so much more to all of this and id be here all day if I wrote the whole story. I was far from perfect in the relationship but i guess I just want another opinion on if I have been horrible and ignorant or if this is his manipulation crawling back into my mind.
Sorry for the rambling, I don't expect many replies just needed somewhere to get it all of my chest. Im a young first time mum and gave him all of me and all my love all I wanted was for him to just look at me and see how I was struggling and begging for some help.
It's all been so stressful, I'm constantly clouded with guilt and worry about it in doing the right or wrong thing.