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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect more for my birthday?

24 replies

GalwayWayfarer · 18/05/2018 10:15

It's my birthday next Saturday. About a month ago my DH and I discussed it and I said I thought having a few friends round for a garden party at home would be fun - just a basic buffet / nibbles and some drinks. DH agreed to organise and I didn't think much more about it until today when I checked on arrangements and discovered that there aren't any. He hasn't invited anyone or made any plans. I've now checked with my 4 closest friends and none of them are available at this short notice. A few of my DH's friends are but I think it will look really weird if I have a birthday party with a few of his friends and none of mine!

I'm feeling peeved because last year he had an important work event on a big birthday for me and so I didn't see him at all on the day. I completely understood that because he had no control over the timing of the work event, but at that time he promised he would make up for it this year instead!

It's a bit of a pattern for him - being really enthusiastic about events but then not actually doing any planning or organising for them. I just wish he had said he wasn't up for planning it as I'd have done it myself!

I know it's a lesson learned that if he agrees to plan something I need to keep on top of ensuring that it actually gets done, but AIBU to expect that he would put a bit more thought and effort into this?

OP posts:
pippistrelle · 18/05/2018 10:26

YANBU. Regardless of the event, I'd be hacked off if someone agreed to do something, and then didn't bother.

MrsPepperpot79 · 18/05/2018 10:30

YANBU. at all. It was discussed, he agreed. Very poor form.

I might go have a day of pampering for me and no work at all (from me) on that day instead, as why should you last minute organise something that your friends (not DH friends) can't attend.

Bobbiepin · 18/05/2018 10:33

YANBU I'm not usually one to throw this around but it's wife work. He's relying on you to sort it out so he doesn't have to. Arrange a treat for yourself (don't include him) and have him pay for it.

HappyLollipop · 18/05/2018 10:33

YANBU - he agreed to throw you a little party but didn't even go ahead with arranging that and he should have said something ages ago if he couldn't do it. I'd be really peeved off too.

ProustianMadeleine · 18/05/2018 10:37

Yanbu. This would piss me off.

I'd be taking myself off for a nice day of me time.

Hillarious · 18/05/2018 10:42

It's a bit of a pattern for him - being really enthusiastic about events but then not actually doing any planning or organising for them. I just wish he had said he wasn't up for planning it as I'd have done it myself!

There's your answer. YABU not to have listened to yourself.

Original poster
GalwayWayfarer · 18/05/2018 10:42

Thanks all Flowers

Think it's a good suggestion to not go ahead with any party as I would inevitably end up doing the work for it! I like the idea of a treat day for me! DH does feel bad that he hasn't sorted anything so I think he'll be happy with any alternative I suggest!

OP posts:
emmyrose2000 · 18/05/2018 10:45

YANBU.

I'd be really pissed off at my DH if he did/didn't do something like this.

I certainly wouldn't be putting in any effort for his next birthday, that's for sure.

Noqonterfy · 18/05/2018 10:47

I wouldn't bother to acknowledge his birthdays at all anymore.

BuntyII · 18/05/2018 10:50

I'm not into birthdays at all but YANBU

Alwayscommuting · 18/05/2018 10:53

YANBU at all, my DH has form for this too so I can empathise completely. ThanksI think a pamper day sounds perfect.

viques · 18/05/2018 11:01

Contact your friends yourself with some available dates then book a long boozy eye wateringly expensive lunch with them with door to door car services before and after. On your partners credit card.

sockunicorn · 18/05/2018 11:01

@galwaywayfarer you say he feels bad, can I ask what excuse he gave for not bothering? I cant imagine saying I would do something (especially so important), not doing and then what i would actually say so this interests me :)

Juells · 18/05/2018 11:07

I wouldn't include him in whatever treat you organise for yourself, and his next few birthdays would be 'forgotten'.

diddl · 18/05/2018 11:08

"DH does feel bad that he hasn't sorted anything"

But not bad enough to have done anything or tell you before now!

Are your closest friends all busy all day?

Original poster
GalwayWayfarer · 18/05/2018 11:11

@sockunicorn he hasn't really tried to excuse it - he's said he kept punting it down the to-do list because he's so busy and he hasn't really twigged that it's now only a week away. He acknowledged that he's really screwed it up, but I think that until he heard that my friends aren't free he had the idea that he would still be able to pull it together. I don't think he'd actually thought about what needed done. I appreciated him taking responsibility for his mistake in that way, but also hurt that it's obviously been a low priority for him!

@viques I like that suggestion very much Grin

@Alwayscommuting it's so frustrating isn't it!!

OP posts:
Original poster
GalwayWayfarer · 18/05/2018 11:13

@diddl I have a meeting in the morning which I annoyingly can't change and the others are either busy in the afternoon or all day. Annoyingly I'm also not free over the two following weekends, so whatever I organise will be a late celebration when it comes!

OP posts:
TomRavenscroft · 18/05/2018 11:20

YANBU.

Screw him. Organise your own birthday – go and do something nice with a (available!) friend or on your own.

I know it's a lesson learned that if he agrees to plan something I need to keep on top of ensuring that it actually gets done
Well, no, YOU don't need to learn any lessons from this. He should be ashamed. I assume he's a proper grown-up and manages with work/appointments etc in other contexts?

NordicNobody · 18/05/2018 11:52

I know it's a lesson learned that if he agrees to plan something I need to keep on top of ensuring that it actually gets done

It makes me really sad that you think this is the lesson you need to learn from this. That's the lesson he's trying to teach you, even if it's subconsciously. The only person who should be learning a lesson from this is him, but I'll bet my hat he doesn't. What's he like on anniversaries? Mother's Day? Christmas? I'm not saying this is a LTB situation obviously, but this kind of (I suspect, constant) low level thoughtlessness would really wear me down.

JustAnotherPoster00 · 18/05/2018 11:57

Contact your friends yourself with some available dates then book a long boozy eye wateringly expensive lunch with them with door to door car services before and after. On your partners credit card.

Im sure the DH's finances wont impact the OP at all Hmm

Original poster
GalwayWayfarer · 18/05/2018 11:58

@NordicNobody depressingly, he's not that great on those occasions either. He's very generous and good with gifts, but he is really bad at planning ahead. We don't have kids ourselves but I always sort something for his mother on mother's day when I get something for my own, and I am always in charge of Christmas plans / dinner parties / anniversary meals etc. I have contributed to this to an extent because I really like planning things and will usually take on the burden by choice, but you're right that it shouldn't mean he gets a free pass on it for birthdays etc.

He is generally a really good, considerate guy - he's a very engaged husband, supports me a lot, is very kind. So I'm hoping I can get through to him that this is thoughtless and that I think he should do better with a firm conversation (which I now have confidence to do thanks to lovely MNers assuring me I'm not being unreasonable about it!)

OP posts:
TomRavenscroft · 18/05/2018 12:35

I always sort something for his mother on mother's day when I get something for my own, and I am always in charge of Christmas plans / dinner parties / anniversary meals etc

So stop being. Show him what life is like if he doesn't step up to the plate and you're not there to pick up after him.

NordicNobody · 18/05/2018 14:52

Ah OK, sorry for assuming re: kids. At the risk of making further assumptions, if children is something you see in your future then you should know that this kind of behaviour (outsourcing of mental load/ wife work type things like organising plans and remembering important dates) typically gets worse not better after children get added to the mix. So if that's something you're hoping for then I'd make a really big effort to sort it out now. Yes, if you force him to take his share of the mental loads things will probably go wrong initially (your birthday plans being a good example) and you'll think "oh it's just easier for me to do it myself", but remind yourself that the long term rewards of having a husband who pulls his weight will be much greater than the short term rewards of having things done properly in the beginning because you just did them yourself. Anyway, it sounds like he's otherwise a decent guy so hopefully a firm conversation followed by a small learning curve on his part, should get things on track.

Tigerblue · 18/05/2018 15:02

Find a time when your friends are free and invite them around for a bring and share, oh and forget to invite him.

Seriously I'd be p....d off. Think about what you'd like instead and organise it, that way you've got something planned.

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