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AIBU?

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Coparenting after divorce

3 replies

Justamumto4 · 18/05/2018 05:29

I am a mum of four and after thirty years of marriage my husband cheated on me . I found he had gone off to work but really was having numerous fun affairs over many many years . I had given my life to having our family and dedicated myself to my children and him so when I discovered the infidelity it wa a huge shock . He had been living a double life almost thankfully I believe he has not had any other children .I tried desiratelyvti save my marriage went to counselling and didn’t want to be a split family but couldn’t trust him again so he left . I have tried to protect my children and not tell them any of the horrid details but it seems to have back fires in me.
I have tried to be positive and move on and did find someone else who I live with and have a house with .
But the last five years nearly saw me have a breakdown with the whole situation and now my youngest is a bout to graduate the co parent is getting difficult as the ex has remarried and my daughter thinks he is wonderful and the new wife is too . Probably I didn’t give as much time as I could to her as I was surviving living but tried to be there asbest I could .She thinks w were just unhappy and he left because of that and therefore felt sorry for him and he is her hero . I feel so hurt and upset that he has taken away my future and seems to come up smelling of roses and his wife is streaking my daughter .i has planned surprise things and each time he gets in first . I can’t seem to do anything right and she innocently can’t see the huge trail of destruction he made and resents me for not moving on and I feel sorry she has to feel torn between us .i try to be positive and be seen as accepting the situation but she witnessed my near breakdown and sees me as weak and not moving in and dad as the superhero .
Why is being a parent and hiding the truth causing me to be the baddie here....

OP posts:
sofato5miles · 18/05/2018 05:59

Marriages breakdown and it is so hard. I am a child of divorced parents for similar reasons. As I have aged (and grown wiser) my attitude has changed to both my parents.

To begin with I fought to keep my relationship with my dad as I needed to feel important to him. Then in my 20s/30s I hated the infidelity part. Now in my 40s, I realise who my parents were as individuals, not just my mum and dad.

My relationship with my mum also changed, from me supporting her massively to 30 years after the event wishing that she realised that being bitter and angry has been such a waste of her life.

You are in the early stages but please grab your life with both hands. Stop making him the focus, he does not deserve thst power over your one life.

agnurse · 18/05/2018 06:07

She does not need to know he cheated on you. Yes, what he did was very wrong and you have every right to feel unhappy. But at the end of the day, he is her father. She has a right to have a relationship with him. For all you know he is a great dad to her.

Also, please do not try to meddle in her relationship with her stepmother. I am a stepmother to a beautiful teenage girl. We get on very well. I have never tried to replace her mom nor have I encouraged her to disrespect her mom - in fact I have encouraged the opposite. (Her mom cheated on Hubby and left him.) I know there was some resentment from her mom in the early years of Hubby's and my relationship and marriage.

You can't make a big deal out of what she does at his house. As long as she's not being abused that's their business. To quote Judge Judy, you need to love your daughter more than you hate your ex. This isn't about him anymore. This is about both of you having a relationship with her and keeping that relationship separate from whatever relationship you do or don't have with each other. What she does at her father's house is between her, her father, and his new wife. It's not your affair, nor can it be, unless it's affecting her negatively.

Justamumto4 · 18/05/2018 06:23

Thank you for your replies they help as I t don’t talk about this and try to ice on with my life
I mtrying to get the best relationship with all four of my children and die life to the fall .
I want my children to have two happy parents and strive to move forward.im trying to catch up on the lost time but find it hard when opportunities are gone as time is an issue so I need to just get in with further planning and be there first and be brave and communicate with ex about special days so our daughter doesn’t seem to be in the middle and trying to juggle her time between two parents we take tgat stress away from her

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