To feel like I am failing at parenting

[Cheeseplease73]

I have 2 DC’s 10 and 6. DC 10 is a very laid back child, listens, is respectful to adults etc but DC 6 is the total opposite.
She is really full on- won’t listen to anything I say, has tantrums a lot, is quite rude both to me and other people. I feel terrible for writing this but I am really struggling with her behaviour. She also rarely gets invited to friends houses and I suspect that it’s because she’s so full on but this is upsetting her too as she feels left out.
Spoke to teacher- they basically said that they thought it was home issues as she’s ok in school which made me feel worse. We have had some stress at home but I also try to create a loving, supportive home.

I can’t sleep as so worried and stressed about it- I want her to be happy but in the last few months she has seemed so unhappy and like nothing in her little life is right.

Aibu to feel like I am just failing as a parent but I don’t know what to do. I have tried to be calm but sometimes her behaviour is so bad (tantrums, screaming at me etc) that I have shouted a lot out of sheer frustration. It feels like home is a war zone and nothing I do is right. She is 6 years old FFS!

they basically said that they thought it was home issues as she’s ok in school which made me feel worse

That's not how it works. They feel more relaxed and safer to misbehave at home.

Something I know absolutely nothing about, but people who have children with autism often comment on here that they are fine in school but very difficult at home. My dd didn't have autism, but still went through phases of behaving badly at home and they loved her at school.

It is hard to say what is going on without knowing your home situation and obviously you need to investigate to make sure nothing particular is causing this. However, it could just be her temperament. My twins are very different in temperament with one being much more difficult to manage. I've found this book really useful www.amazon.co.uk/Raising-Your-Spirited-Child-Perceptive/dp/0060923288?tag=mumsnetforum-21.

Hello Cheese, another night-owl here.. I can't suggest any magical solutions but do just hang in there and don't be too hard on yourself. I have 9 year old twins and have on occasion been reduced to tears and felt like I was totally failing as a parent. Talking to others however made me realise that this is pretty normal, or maybe its just who I mix with! All I can suggest is the old mantra of praise the positive and try and find some perspective -she is good at school you say so take comfort from that at least. What I have found also is my own state of mind seems to have a big influence on behaviour -even if I think I am hiding my grumpiness they pick up on it and I can overreact. Humour can be a way of getting through the tantrums -my daughter cannot scream at me if I am tickling her (although she does try to ...) I wonder because you have an older "good" one whether that has any influence on her and she is looking for attention. As long as she knows you love her the same as her brother you are doing a good job, but pick your battles and look after yourself too.

And yes to what coyoacan said - kids often behave worse at home as it is their safe space to let out tension so could equally be something at school if there is a cause.

Just realise I assumed your 10 year old is a boy and referred to him as brother - no idea why! And to echo coyoacan - when my daughter's teacher told me at parents evening what a delight she was I actually said "are you sure, because she's really not like that at home" and then instantly felt (rightly) terrible.....Teacher reassured me most kids are like that.

Wow, I think the very first response suggesting ASD is a record.

The fact that you’re so stressed about her being happy means you are a good mum. Have you read How to Talk so Kids Will Listen (and Listen so Kids Will Talk)? I found it really useful.

I agree with the above that she’s more likely to act out at a safe place than at school - I think it’s pretty unfair the teacher is putting this on you. If she’s not being invited places then it suggests she’s not getting along that well with other kids which suggests the problem IS at school. They should be supporting her socially at such a young age.

As a teacher its very common to hear parents say they are a holy terror at home while being angels at school. Maybe she is trying too hard to please in school and can't sustain it and needs to let off steam at home. But as said above why is she not being invited to other homes if such a good girl in school. Is there something going on with an other child?
Try to love bomb her for a while. Break any pattern ye both have of relating to one another. Make sure she has something substantial to eat when she gets in as sugar levels may be low. Also l know a child who was cranky like this and tested positive for coeliac so maybe have GP check a few things in case there is a medical reason.
Get her into a hobby she enjoys and don't punish her by withdrawing it when she acts out. Just keep loving her and hopefully she will come through this stage soon.
But don't beat yourself one as really its not your fault just an issue to be dealt with. Some play therapy would help if that was possible.