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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To sometimes just leave her to cough

53 replies

PinotMwah · 17/05/2018 23:14

My DD has a chronic cough that crops up about 2-3 times a year. Was thought to be asthma but now not for various reasons. Various investigations are ongoing to identify its cause, none so far very productive. Doctors are on the case but nothing really works.

It is absolutely horrific. I have grown to hate the cough with an irrational passion, I feel as if it is something which was sent from hell to destroy me. I know this sounds pretty bonkers but that's how I experience it.

I have tried every imaginable cough remedy/asthma treatment from the mildest cough medicine up to strong steroids. Nothing works. It goes on for literally hours at night -- average stint is about 4-5 hours, coughing about once every minute, on some occasions it has literally been all night. In bad situations she can end up in A&E. I can't ever get more than about 2 hours sleep a night. It massively impacts my life: I can't get any sleep while its going on so anything done at work during the day. This can go on for 2-3 weeks at a time and quite often she needs steroids to kick it into touch. I'm a lone parent so there's no-one else who can take over while I get some sleep.

Obviously it goes without saying it is awful for DD. I try really hard to support her where possible with it. She wants me to stay with her, let her sleep on my stomach, hold her hand through it. Which I do. When she is distressed, I will do anything to make her feel better and will stay with her until she is calmer.

But sometimes I just can't face another second of it and I have to just get out of the room. I can hear her coughing next door now, she's asleep been coughing for well over an hour, I'm probably looking at a minimum of another two hours before I'm going to get any sleep, if we don't end up in A&E. I had about two hours sleep last night and have had about half an hour tonight. I will keep an ear out and will check. But I just want to walk off a fucking cliff now and not have to be in that room with that cough another second. Am I being a bitch for not staying in there with her? I just can't do it.

OP posts:

merrymouse · 17/05/2018 23:19

How old is she?

merrymouse · 17/05/2018 23:22

You are clearly really suffering from lack of sleep. Can you get anyone to help out during the day so you can catch up on sleep?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 17/05/2018 23:22

She’s asleep. You being there will not stop her coughing. You are not being a bitch.

Sounds really tough for both of you. Has she seen a specialist?

TERFragetteCity · 17/05/2018 23:24

It n be quite distressing not knowing if the next cough is going to be the last one...i get bad coughs and do everything in my power to avoid getting them, and can have them for months on end if they take hold. Annoying for other people i understand.

UndergroundSun · 17/05/2018 23:24

That sounds absolutely torturous. I can't even imagine how awful it must be. I absolutely wouldn't judge you for needing to leave the room at times.
Really hope they find a cause and solution soon.

Original poster

PinotMwah · 17/05/2018 23:24

She is 7. DD's dad (who I'm separated from but on reasonably good terms) is not great on that front. He is also abroad at the moment.

But also I don't feel comfortable asking a friend to look after a sick kid on my behalf. It's a big ask and probably would make them feel uncomfortable.

OP posts:

Partyfops · 17/05/2018 23:25

Have you tried a humidifier?

UpstartCrow · 17/05/2018 23:25

I dont want to be the annoying person that goes on about 'have you tried', but - has she been checked for parasites and foreign bodies?

Original poster

PinotMwah · 17/05/2018 23:26

Testing yes she's being seen by a specialist now. She was supposed to be having an op to determine the cause but for various reasons this hasn't happened. It will get sorted at some point but these episodes are just beyond stressful.

OP posts:

123bananas · 17/05/2018 23:26

That must be exhausting. How old is she?

My dd can be like this occasionally, but has cough variant asthma now. Before she had her tonsils out it was much worse. When she had a virus she would end up with steroids for apnoea and continuous coughing caused by her tonsils dropping into her airway. The steroids reduced the tonsil size, but getting rid of them was the only solution ultimately.

I have also known chronic coughs caused by reflux.

In both situations a reflux wedge pillow helped. They are about £50. Maybe worth a try?

Original poster

PinotMwah · 17/05/2018 23:27

upstart party she's been checked for everything under the sun from bugs to cystic fibrosis. Yes I have tried a humidifier. I know you're trying to help but there is literally nothing legally available which I haven't tried.

OP posts:

Original poster

PinotMwah · 17/05/2018 23:28

123bananas reflux has been ruled out.

OP posts:

Outnotdown · 17/05/2018 23:33

You're not a bitch. It is dire.

You can get through this. You have before and you will this time too.

Ring in be sick to work at least once so you can get some rest.

Original poster

PinotMwah · 17/05/2018 23:33

I appreciate the medical suggestions everyone but seriously there isn't a thing I haven't tried and this is being explored. It's more how to cope with the psychological torture that I need help with. And how not to let her know.

She said to me the other night that one of the things that made her saddest was when during one of her coughing bouts I got up to leave her (she usually co-sleeps when she's ill). This killed me. But I do feel that I would go totally mad if I was forced to be in a room with the cough throughout.

OP posts:

123bananas · 17/05/2018 23:35

It sounds very complex PinotMwah, it must be frustrating not having any answers after so long.

If you know she is safe being left to cough can you maybe put some ear plugs in for a short time to get some undisturbed sleep.

You could get an apnoea alarm which would still be audible through the ear plugs/vibrate just in case if you are worried.

Original poster

PinotMwah · 17/05/2018 23:35

outnotdown I may have to ring in sick tomorrow.

It's just the level of hatred I feel for this cough actually shocks me. I was banging my head on a (carpeted) floor tonight when she started back up. I am just at breaking point with it.

OP posts:

Wanderwall · 17/05/2018 23:36

I have no answers but just sending you sympathy.

That really does sound horrendous. I hope they get to the bottom of it soon.

itsagranddayfordrying · 17/05/2018 23:37

Could you wear ear plugs ?

Original poster

PinotMwah · 17/05/2018 23:38

123bananas I could probably sleep in another room from a safety perspective. But she usually wakes up and comes looking for me. And I get irritable about that as well. For totally understandable reasons she wants her mum with her. But I just want to claw back a bit of escape from it. And I end up feeling awful about that as well.

OP posts:

123bananas · 17/05/2018 23:41

Pinot I think you need to talk to your GP to maybe access some more support for you. You sound in quite a desperate state from your last post. Would getting signed off work for a short period be helpful?

MizCracker · 17/05/2018 23:45

Oh, that sounds like pure hell. It's bad enough when my DD has a cough during the winter. Once the first cough happens I get a moment of panic knowing that it's likely to carry on for the next hour and I'll have to make a decision - lie in bed listening to it or go in to her knowing I can't relieve it. And that's just a "normal" winter cough.

I'm really not surprised you're at the brink. Would you consider seeing your GP to discuss how it's wrecked your mental health? Not only might you get some help, but your DD might too. Have you ever made a diary of the duration of the coughing each night? It sounds so severe I'm really amazed you've been left to flounder like this.

Original poster

PinotMwah · 17/05/2018 23:45

123bananas possibly. I have a lot of other sources of stress going on at the moment, one of which is work. I work in quite a macho, stiff upper lip culture though and its kind of frowned upon. But maybe I should.

OP posts:

Aylarose · 17/05/2018 23:46

It does sound difficult and it sounds like both of you are really suffering with it.

I had periods of chronic cough when I was younger and was diagnosed with 'Cough Variant Asthma'. I was just wondering how your DD's doctor has ruled out asthma? Also have they given your daughter several different types of inhaler? including stronger inhalers such as Advair (as opposed to Salbutamol); With a spacer? and tried a nebuliser?

Are her oxygen sats lower, when you visit A&E during a coughing episode? Does she receive nebuliser treatment during hospital visits?

Original poster

PinotMwah · 17/05/2018 23:50

MizCracker I had to fight really hard to get her referred to a specialist. GPs tend to dismiss this sort of thing as "viral wheeze", which is a catch-all for wheeze or cough which can't yet be diagnosed as asthma and its quite hard to get it taken seriously.

The specialist she is now seeing seems to know what he is doing but he's also a bit of a d* and has undermined me in various ways which hasn't helped (failed to properly inform me about medication which she was and wasn't allowed to take in the run-up to the operation and then blamed me for it being cancelled). GPs are not very clued up on paediatric respiratory problems so I basically find that I know more about it than they do - I go there for short term relief and to get prescriptions but they never know much about it. I have to go through this arrogant consultant for now. At some point the op will be rescheduled and for now I just have to sit this out, I think.

OP posts:

Friskyandhustley · 17/05/2018 23:51

This must be absolutely exhausting both emotionally and physically. You sound like you are doing a wonderful job when you must be so tired. Most of us would be barely able to function. Perhaps you need to separate being there for her when she actually needs you , from being there when she's asleep, but you feel like you should be with her because she's coughing. Do you actually need to monitor her to keep her safe, or is it just that natural anxiety you feel as a mother when you can hear your child being unwell?

I know it's easy to say, and there's obviously not an easy answer, but you really need some decent rest. Ideally the kind of rest you get where you are properly 'off duty'. What would happen if you took a period of time off work so that you could sleep in the day? Could your GP sign you off because you are exhausted? People take time off for much less.
If I were your friend I would want to help you. They might not have understood how this is impacting on you, but I'm sure if you asked those close to you would be willing to help. I bet you would, for them wouldn't you? Of course you can ask for help with a sick child, as long as your DD is comfortable with them and you are clear about what they need to do and at what point they need to call you back in. Maybe worth a try for a decent block of sleep so you can function?
I really hope, for you and your DD, that you get some improvement very soon. This sounds like such a hard thing to go through, I really do wish you well.

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