AIBU about DM and her neighbour’s adoption

[feesh]

I can’t actually believe my mother sometimes.

I was chatting on Skype to her the other day, and she told me that her neighbour was adopting a 15 month old and was bringing them home that day, which is obviously hugely exciting news (I don’t actually know the neighbour, but I’m really happy for them regardless!).

Then DM said she was going round later with a present to meet the new baby.

I said, “But mum you can’t do that. I’m pretty sure —have read on Mumsnet— that adoptive families aren’t supposed to have visitors for 6 weeks.”

Anyway Skype started playing up, and all I could hear in the background was her going over and over ‘Why can’t I go and see them? What’s wrong with me visiting? I don’t understand why I can’t see them? What’s the reasoning behind not having visitors?”

When we got the call working again, she had moved on to something else, but I was so completely flummoxed by her not understanding that most new parents do not want visitors on their first day home with a new baby, that I said again, “Mum, you cannot go and see them, please don’t go round there, do you not understand that they need time to bond with the baby without anyone else being around?”

She said fine, I’ll just leave it on the doorstep then, I only wanted to meet the new baby.

Thing is, she totally would have gone around there anyway as she never listens to a word I say.

For some reason it’s really wound me up that she could be so utterly thoughtless and not able to understand why her presence might be best left for a few weeks.

So who IBU, me or her? Maybe I’ve got it completely wrong - I’d actually quite like to know if I have, so she can stop getting to me so much!

Your poor Mum.

Has she ever done anything terrible to deserve you trying to make her look stupid on the internet when she's just trying to be nice?

This is about you and her having a tit-swinging competition. Leave virtue signalling to your Mum's neighbour's out of it.

You sound a bit mad Op. They are hardly going to be in solitary confinement for 6 weeks. Perhaps your mum should wait a day or 2 - but they will probably be really pleased she was so kind. They can always tell her she can't stay long/cuddle the baby etc. Not your place to say anyway.

OP is after a MN backslap for being so right on.

I've never heard of this so I'd be as much of a liability as your mum, I'm afraid. I thought she'd done or said something really awful from your subject line. I hope she's having a nice cup of tea with the neighbours right now, or at least not sitting at home crying her eyes out over getting it all so shockingly wrong. YABU and a bit mean to your mum.

YANBU.

I am not sure about 6 weeks, but they do recommend when you adopt that you hold off introducing the child to everyone immediately (so not invite everyone around for a 'welcome' party on day 1) and phase in meetings so it does not overwhelm the child and gives them a chance to start settling in.

It can be overwhelming for the little one, but most people are so excited after all the wait that the 'introduce slowly' will go out of the window.

If the neighbours are doing that then actually it is much nicer for you to try to stop DM rather than the neighbours having to explain and probably being thought of as just rude.

There's no hard and fast "6 week rule" but it's certainly advised to keep visitors away as long as possible at any age when an adoptive child joins a family. But that is for them to handle; I'm sure they would give a polite but firm "ah how lovely but no visitors" rather than just let your DM in.

YWNBU to have mentioned it but it's not for you to police her actions.

It is nice of your mum to get them a card and be so excited though.

Can't see the big deal, what a drama about nothing- nothing at all wrong with your mum popping round with a card, they'll tell her if she can come in or not, I'm sure the neighbour would be pleased your mum wad thinking of them

She doesn't need your permission.
I think your mum is being very kind.

Not your monkeys Not your circus.

Stay out of it... hold your tongue and just let her do as she wishes...

How would you like it if your mum told you what to do......

She should just give them a call and ask if it's OK to pop round! No need to guess or angst over it.

TBH if they were planning on not allowing visitors for 6 weeks and she often pops in you'd think they would have mentioned this.

Funnelling is a very real thing. It also makes a lot of sense. Children with poor attachments will frequently go to almost literally anyone for affection and to have their needs met. Restricting visitors for a while to begin to build a strong foundation of trust and the start of healthy attachments makes a lot of sense.

The new parents will have been warned about this and it’s probably really hard to implement, especially with close family. But when you think of a child who is affectionate to a complete stranger as they are to their primary careers it’s an important issue and worth potentially upsetting a neighbour or two, no matter how well meaning.

Lovely thought from your mum and not a lot of people know that the first 6 weeks of placement should be only with the adoption parents. You might be being a little harsh on her for not knowing

I’m adopted and I’m pretty sure I was allowed visitors before I’d been with my new family 6 weeks!

Completely with you.
It's not a rule - it's guidance. But anyone withan ounce of compassion for what that child is going through would keep the hell away for the first few weeks.

Storm, teacup.

I've got family and friends who have adopted recently and neither were allowed any visitors - not even immediate family for at least 3 weeks.

They want the child to have a settling in period with their new parents alone, not to confuse them with other new people so yes, you are right but having read other comments I wonder if it differs by area? We're in West Yorkshire.

I’ve adopted recently and we didn’t have visitors for 6 weeks. Our next door neighbour popped round the first day and immediately tried to pick my little one up. I explained all about funnelling and said she couldn’t hold her and that we wouldn’t be having visitors for several weeks and she understood completely.
As Matildathecat said up thread, funnelling is advised.

Well, I think this thread proves your DM wasn't being 'thoughtless'. Like many posters, she just didn't know.
Also, I imagine your DM is more than capable of managing her relationship with her neighbours so I've no idea why you felt so incensed about it all. The neighbours might have liked a card and gift, and they would have been able to explain if they didn't want your DM to come in.

No visitors for 6 weeks? First time I've ever heard that.

I have a social care background, there is no six week rule. We'd advise against too much external interaction in case the child is overwhelmed, and would discourage too much regular contact or overnight stays from non parent/guardian visitors initially to aid attachment. The only time advice may be more specific is if the child had experienced high levels of trauma. You've over reacted, your mum just wanted to say a quick hello and drop off a gift, which is a nice thing to do.

She’s probably just a wee bit over excited about the baby! I loved having neighbours over to coo at my new bundle of jou

You can advise. It's hardly worth getting upset over. Maybe she's closer to the neighbours than you realise!

BTW, I think you were being fair to let her know it's commonly advised. But it is a bit OTT to be so anxious/worried about it on your part.

Adoptive mum here. You're completely right.