To think it's impossible to sleep train 'gently'?

[PleddingWanner]

DD is 9 months old and is still waking up 4/5 times a night. I go back to work in 6 weeks. I don't know how on earth I'm going to manage.
Is there anyway in hell I can fix this in a pain-free way? I know sleep training works for so many people, and I'm not knocking it, but for me I just can't bare crying and tears.

Can anyone please help a desperate l, sleep-deprived mother out???

DS is 13 months. He wakes around the same amount of times each night and wakes up at 05.30. I'm back at work, have been for a month. I'm not feeling too bad, but then DH shares the night waking where he can. That's why it's bearable.

We did the whole shush pat thing and never left our DD when she was roughly 8 months. It worked really well for us and she slept through pretty much from 1 (the last few months she may have woken up once a night but much more bareable).

she’s now 22 months and sleeps through in her toddler bed alone

I've just started cc with my 7 month old out of desperation as rocking to sleep wasn't working for me anymore. He didn't even cry he just whinged and I went in every 2 mins to stroke his face and ssshh him. First night took half an hour and now he's settling himself. I think he was just ready. I hope you find something that works for you, sleep deprivation is the worst

RadioGaGoo

Oh gosh, well done for getting back to work and managing! I feel so low sometimes when I've woken for the umpteenth time at night, it's like actual torture :(

Shutupanddance1

So is that not picking up, but stroking / patting back and shushing?

Bananarama12

When you say you'd go in every 2 mins - would he stop crying first and then you'd leave the room, then if he cries again you wait two mins??

Thanks!

Plodding, I don't think I came across quite right - I don't think I would be managing if DH didn't share night wakings. I am also surprised that I am not as tired at work as I thought I would be. I'm guessing it's because of all the stimulus there. When I was on Mat leave and night waking (still with DH), I was exhausted during the day. Its weird, but it might be different when you actually start work.

I'd wait for 2 minutes of whinging and then go in and stroke his face to which he would start falling asleep and then leave him.

Yep, it’s definitely possible to sleep train gently. I did so at about 9 months with Ann Caird who is the most AMAZING sleep consultant. DD is now 3yo and has been a fab little sleeper ever since. I think sleep has a huge impact on children’s mood and wellbeing (certainly for my children anyway!) and as a result we had lovely calm toddler years as she was always well rested. I wouldn’t hesitate to sleep train again with future children if I needed to!

Yup @PleddingWanner pretty much. We would give her a last feed, put her down half sleepy, and then stroke her back. If she started crying we’d gentle shush and pat. We wouldn’t leave until she was asleep. First night it took 30 mins, every night after was less until a couple of weeks later we could put her in and she’d chat to herself until she slept.

My HV was lovely and not a harsh one st all. She said to shush and pat back to sleep but wait 30 seconds first, then next time a minute then increase by 30 seconds each time, I never got to 2 minutes because it worked for us she's 9 now and sleeps like a baby - albeit she's an owl (argh) and goes to sleep Late

I feel exactly the same!!!
Little one is 10 months old, wakes up crying at least 5 times a night, doesn't even really want much sometimes. He's normally crying because he's tired.
We live in a one bedroom flat, so he's still in with us, I have no idea how to sleep train because I can't leave the room.
We all go to bed at the same time as DH starts work at 4 so goes to bed at 7ish. So we all do.
And then DS cries because he's tired, and wakes up crying because he's tired. I'm not sure what to Do, he won't settle because he can see me, but I can't leave.
I don't know how to cope with 5 or 6 wakings with hysterical crying.

Many years ago before the dawn of time I was in your position op and could have written your post, I was desperate for a night of uninterrupted sleep.
A book called Solve your Child's Sleep Problems by Dr Richard Ferber gave me my sanity back.
Firstly read the whole book and once you have fully understood and fully believe that the method will work set aside two weeks to implement the training.
I followed the above to the letter and the result was my dc sleeping through the night after only two days, I was flabbergasted.
The key is to keep going, if you deviate from the plan after say three hours the first night then you have wasted three hours of your own hard work and have slipped back down to the beginning.
Yes it's sleep training but it's kind and only advises leaving your baby to cry for very short periods, starting with maybe ten seconds if that's where the parent wants to start.
It's probably not fashionable and maybe even frowned upon now but I'm telling you it worked for us and once dc was sleeping life was happier and less stressful for everyone in the family.

Check out "the no-cry sleep solution" book for some gentle ideas, if you don't like the idea of ignoring your maternal instincts and leaving your baby to cry (and personally, I definitely don't like the idea of this).

Sleep training that involves controlled crying or cry it out is not gentle or kind, even if it is "for two minutes". It trains a mother to ignore her maternal instincts and leaves a baby to feel abandoned. They stop crying not because they have magically learned to self soothe but because instinctively this is what they default to when no caregiver is coming - there is no point crying so they may as well stop. That doesn't mean a baby is settled and not stressed. It just means they are quiet.

I'm back to work with a baby and co-sleeping means that although my DC does still wake to wake to feed, or for a cuddle, during the night, I am totally OK with this as a) it's biologically normal infant sleep and b) I co-sleep, so I wake only very briefly to resettle him. This maximises the quantity and quality of my sleep without causing him any upset.

There are more gentle methods. There's a good one on the sleep board here, I think the post is called "what worked for me". It's a gradual retreat method.

CC was the only thing that worked for my DS at 13 months (Which eventually turned into CIO which I hated, because he would cry and then start to calm down a bit but still be crying, and me going back in there would set him off screaming again!). I was so reluctant to do CC because DS is adopted and I read everything telling me it would do him a lot of damage etc etc. All I can say is that it took one night of CC and then eventually leaving him to CIO for 15 minutes, and he has slept through every night since unless really poorly.

I don't feel is has damaged his attachment to me at all, if anything it has improved it. We are both so much happier for sleeping and we have a lot more fun together, I'm less stressed and can now really enjoy him. Also now when he wakes up in the morning or in the night, he wakes up crying but calls me instead and I always come straight away. He used to wake up crying and was so upset he was inconsolable because he was just so tired.

Oops meant that now when he wakes up he doesn't wake up crying!

Is she still feeding in the night?
How is she going to bed? Are you rocking then transferring?
We did this with DD which worked really well at about 5 months:
She had to fall asleep in the cot so I put her down and leaned right in and cuddled her with my arm right around her head. She was not happy! But I was cuddling her so didn’t feel too bad. Then gradually withdrew my arm so I was just touching her then withdrew out of the room.
She is now a fab sleeper although I expect that is partly due to the fact that she has a dummy to sleep and a comforter which she is very attached to to give her comfort in the night. My son who is 4 still wakes and basically just needs comfort and to be touching me to fall asleep.
So I know it’s easy to give advice but it depends on the personality of the child how easy it’s going to be. Good luck!

DS is a terrible sleeper. We did shush pat as well from 8/9 mo and it really is gentle - there is crying but it's the crying he'd always do when he was tired and didn't want to/ couldn't go to sleep, and it really helped that one of us was there with him the whole time. He now sleeps through 2 nights out of 3 (15 mo) and sometimes gets himself to sleep on his own. I do pick him up if he's really distressed but he generally settles with stroking/ shushing in his cot.

We had the same problem with eldest dd.
We did sleep train but it wasn't that bad.
I would put her down awake in her bed, say goodnight and leave.
She would start to cry and I would go back in after 30 seconds and without picking her up and staying quiet, no lights etc soothe her and repeat the process. I would very gradually extend the time before going back in so from 30 seconds to 45 seconds, then a minute. Actually it didn't go on for as long as I expected and within 3 or 4 nights she was going down and going to sleep.
You can do other methods if you are more comfortable. I wouldn't have carried on with this if she was screaming and the intervals got too long.
I think if you find a method you are comfortable with and then stick to it you have a good chance of success.
Actually dd was much happier when we had cracked it because she slept well and was rested.
Good luck op

I slowly watered down one of DD's feeds, but not until she was on normal milk, we also used to give porridge or baby rice at 9 months before bed, she usually slept better because her belly was full

IME you can't avoid some crying - you can have a little crying for a long time or a lot of crying for a few nights. We chose the latter (he got dh and a bottle of water, rather than me and boobs of milk, so wasn't abandoned just very cross).

It honestly saved my sanity - I was really struggling by 10 months. Which is why I'm always slightly at the "you just have to wait til their ready brigade". Me breaking down would not have been good for ds.

I think it depends on the child. DS didn't respond well to the gentler methods and we had weeks of crying and no improvement.

Then we did CC and it worked in 2 nights. It felt a lot less traumatic for everyone.

My sister swears by Ann Caird too - lovely lady and amazing results

This was me 2 weeks ago (DD 8.5 months), except I'd been back at work part-time since she was 4.5 months and was finding it impossible to manage on very little sleep. Our sleep consultant advised us to go cold turkey on the dummy (as she was unable to go to sleep without it) and follow a gentle withdrawal method. The first night she cried for a total of 13 minutes, the second night 7 minutes and the third night 2 minutes. Since then, it has only been a few seconds, if at all, and she rolls over and goes to sleep as soon as we leave the room. She has dramatically reduced her night wakings to 0-2 times a night (and if she doesn't settle herself within a couple of minutes we still give her milk), and now wakes up in the morning and happily plays in a her cot rather than immediately crying.

Look at The No Cry Slerp Splution by Elizabeth Pantly.