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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to go to this party?

59 replies

manicinsomniac · 16/05/2018 18:23

A friend has invited me to celebrate her birthday. (Sort of friend - don't actually know her all that well but she has quite a severe disability, mental health difficulties and is young and single. Therefore she has very little social life and doesn't know many people)

Event is a specific takeaway meal and a film.

I wouldn't normally consider going because I have anorexia, social anxiety and am an extreme picky eater. I know I won't be able to eat a takeaway (particularly not the type chosen) and would just have a drink. I know how much most adults hate picky eaters so I stay away from things like this so I don't ruin them or annoy people. Probably, in real life, everybody at this party will be very polite and not say anything about my weirdness but, from reading mn, they will all be seething, judging and thinking I have ruined this woman's party.

However, I know how much it has taken for this woman to arrange something social in the first place. She had very few people to invite (so it's going to be even more obvious that I don't really take part) and I know she is frightened of feeling rejected by nobody coming.

So, I have a dilemma. Which is worse/more upsetting to the host?
a) going to the party and not eating anything
b) turning down the invitation even though I'm free

I know it really should be: c) go to the party and eat normally but I honestly can't. Just the thought of it is making me feel sick and panicky.

OP posts:

Cleanermaidcook · 16/05/2018 19:36

I didn't mean on this thread btw I ment mumsnet in general. People on this thread have been lovely

Juells · 16/05/2018 19:38

I'd explain to her, and bring my own food. She wants your company, and your eating a take-away isn't necessary for that.

Lovemusic33 · 16/05/2018 19:39

Go and stop over thinking it. No one will think your rude. The host has her own mental health issues so I’m sure she will be understanding.

aaarrrggghhhh · 16/05/2018 19:40

Def go. I doubt anyone will really notice what you do or don't eat!

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 16/05/2018 19:41

Please go to the party. You can tell people you have already eaten but you didn't want to miss the get together.

People might try and persuade you to order "something/anything" so be prepared to respond with good humour - and that way no one will think you are spoiling the atmosphere.

bimbobaggins · 16/05/2018 19:42

I would be glad that you came and understand if you didn’t want to eat anything but is there any way you can take something of your own to eat

dragonwarrior · 16/05/2018 19:43

You sound like you want to go so say you'll go but then take food with you that you will eat and just say "brought my own because I have allergies/am fussy" and leave it at that

AJPTaylor · 16/05/2018 19:45

Either go and dont eat.
Or take something for yourself. Fwiw i am really allergic to citrus fruit. This rules out a lot of takeaways due to contamination risk.

welshmist · 16/05/2018 19:46

I have stomach issues at times. One girls night out I literally could not eat, sat there drinking soda water all night, still had fun. Just explained my gut was playing up, no-one minded.

MrsMozart · 16/05/2018 19:46

Go. Enjoy it.

LoniceraJaponica · 16/05/2018 19:54

I agree with everyone. Go, and take your own food. You will feel bad for her if you don't. I'm sure she will understand.

Are you receiving help for your food issues?

pasturesgreen · 16/05/2018 19:57

Definitely go! You sound so lovely, OP. Your friend is lucky to have people like you in her life. Maybe just say you have an upset stomach if you're worried the other guests may judge they won't, MN is not an accurate representation of the wider world.

Ginkypig · 16/05/2018 19:59

If it was me. If I knew her enough to feel comfortable talking to her I'd call her before hand and just say hi it's not a big deal but I wanted to give you the heads up that I'd love to come but due to (either tell her why or be vague) I'm not going to have the takeaway, but I wanted to check your ok with that first. It's totally fine if your not but I didn't want to put you on the spot or make you feel awkward.
If that's ok then I'd love to come and I'm really looking forward to it!

category12 · 16/05/2018 20:00

Go but take your own food and tell her beforehand that you will be & however much or little you're comfortable with sharing about why. Allergies or IBS might be good uns.

MikeUniformMike · 16/05/2018 20:02

Just say you don't want the takeaway. Maybe "I can't eat chinese" or something. Well done for going. Enjoy the film.

Sparklynails7 · 16/05/2018 20:05

Please seek professional help (if you're not already). You obviously know that you have a very unhealthy attitude towards food and your body, and this is preventing you from enjoying your day to day life and having fun with friends. Recognising that you have a problem is the first step on the long road to recovery. It may seem so distressing and difficult to recover, but you can if you surround yourself with cheer leaders!

Sparklynails7 · 16/05/2018 20:08

Also, ignore the other posters who say that you should pretend you have stomach issues or food allergies/intolerances. Please don't lie or attempt to cover up your mental health issues. I actually have food allergies and it really annoys me when people pretend they have them to avoid certain food. It trivialises my health issues. But please seek help. I had severe depression and I didn't want help but I was forced into it. After a long road of recovery (3 years) my mental health has improved so much - a mixture of talking therapy, medicine, and surrounding myself with positive people who care about me. Good luck sweetie x

JessiCake · 16/05/2018 20:11

Bless you OP, you sound lovely.

I've suffered an ED and I know how hard it is to go along to an event where other people are eating normally when the food part has been making you anxious for days in the lead-up!

If I were in your friend's shoes, or if I were a fellow guest, I would SO much rather you came along and either just drank or brought your own food, than you didn't come at all.

Anyone who judges this isn't worth worrying about. And I strongly suspect that nobody will judge. If they think about it for more than about 2 mins, they'll almost certainly think it's a good thing you've come anyway. And they WON'T CARE. In the nicest possible way, as my therapist once said to me, you'd be amazed at how little people are thinking about you!

I know EDs bring self-consciouness and I understand the social anxiety part too. But honestly, this sounds a nice evening. The film aspect will suit you well as there'll be a focussed entertainment angle that will mean less opportunity for small talk.

Please go. Truly, truly, how bad do you think it will be? That everyone will laugh at your food, or be angry with you for not eating the same as them? No, that won't happen.

I would, however, be as open and honest as you feel able to be, to take some of the pressure off yourself from well-meaning people suggetsing you try this and that or the other. As pp have said, have a plausible excuse (food intolerance testing, a fasting blood test in the morning?) if you'd understandably rather keep your real reasons quiet.

It's nothing to be ashamed of, though, and you shoudl be proud of yourself for thinking seriously about how to do this.

Good luck and please come back and say what you did/what happened! x

LoveInTokyo · 16/05/2018 20:12

OP I would go and bring your own food. You’ve got this!

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/05/2018 20:12

I agree with others. Go and take your own food if the party is over a meal time. You can always eat it alone in the corner. I’m sure your friend would much rather you went than not. As she is someone with a mental health condition, it would be fair to assume she would understand you have another.

Nakedavenger74 · 16/05/2018 20:13

Whenever I've been to a group takeaway the suggestion has been to get a range of dishes and everyone treats it as a buffet to share rather than individual dishes. No one will notice if you take a spoon of rice some salad, some veggies, a bit of chicken etc even if you don't eat it. Say you had a big late lunch and aren't very hungry

Maybe suggest this approach?

Furano · 16/05/2018 20:14

Go.

Just tell other people you had dinner with a family member you couldn’t get out of but still wanted to come and celebrate.

babydreamer1 · 16/05/2018 20:19

I did a diet plan a while ago and went everywhere with a Tupperware of my own food. Just take your own. Will be less awkward than sitting there with nothing. Don't make a big deal out of it. I got mine out in meetings, at friends houses, on the plane, anywhere apart from restaurants!

TheDishRanAwayWithTheSpoon · 16/05/2018 20:23

Definitely go op!
I would just take my own food if you feel you can manage that, explain to the host before hand that you'd love to come but you can't eat the takeaway (make up an excuse if you need, you could be trying to diagnose an intolerance, have ibs, had a big lunch whatever makes a you feel more comfortable)
Drink your coke and have a lovely time!
Im sure no one will mind and if anyone does pick up on it, I highly doubt they will judge you. Perhaps you could bring something everyone could share, just to include yourself in the eating bit?
I don't actually think I've had a group takeaway that everyone has eaten tbh, there's always someone on a diet/who's got allergies/intolerance/trying to save money/had dinner beforehand and no one has ever batted an eyelid!

altiara · 16/05/2018 20:27

I also agree with go and don’t eat/take your own food. The important thing for me would be friends coming along to the party.

Are you happy to share your ED with your friend? Or what you said in your first post?
I think you’re really brave trying to put your friend first and overcome your social anxiety. And if I met you at her house eating your chicken salad while I ate half a pizza, I’d admire that you are trying not to let your ED overrule your life and definitely not judge you.
Good luck

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