AIBU to associate love so heavily with affection and sex?

[ScoobyCan]

I am in the process of exiting a decade long marriage, and having spent years being rejected sexually by my STBXH (I’m surprised we have two DCs) I need to find some answers for my own peace of mind.

When we met, STBXH (then mid-30’s) was OTT in his “pawing” of me (I was his first girlfriend, second sexual partner (albeit first was an office fumble) I should have read the warning signs, I know). After a few dates, I had to ask him to stop touching me as I found the PDA awkward, particularly as it made anyone we were out with, uncomfortable.

STBXH went from packing on the PDA to becoming a cold fish who rarely held my hand let alone leaned in for a snog. In fact I don’t think I could tell you when, during our time together, we ever had a proper full on passionate embrace. Tongues and everything.

I actually don’t think we ever did.

(Again, I should have read the warning signs, I know).

I married STBXH 18months after we met. I was young, much younger than him, my siblings were having kids and I was playing catch-up. It just seemed like the right thing to do.

(I know. You're preaching to the converted here).

Two years later I had to threaten him I would leave if he didn’t provide me with the opportunity to have a baby. We had discussed having several, and I needed him to fulfil his promises. He had, previously, just made excuse after excuse - work, moving house, paint fumes, new puppy, and on and on. Reluctantly he agreed and we had two beautiful children within 19months.

Now I know that post-childbirth, some women hold back a little from wanting to have sex. For me however, post marriage, pre-children, during both pregnancies, and following both births I was always the one who tried to initiate sex / love making as STBXH was always reluctant. We never ripped each others clothes off, I was never told I was pretty or sexy or that I looked good. My hand was never held, my waist never had an arm put around it. If we did manage sex there was nothing before and nothing after - no intimacy and no foreplay, no affection ever. Really.

With a great deal of therapy and hindsight, I am learning that this isn’t normal, particularly not for me - I’m a very tactile and loving and affectionate individual, and the lack of reciprocal love, attention and affection made me more and more hollow, numb. I sort of zoned out, years ago.

I’m now worried that to enter into a new relationship I’m not starting with a “normal” benchmark. Of course I had relationships before my marriage - but ten years on I’m a bit lost - I feel that this constant rejection may cause problems in the future.

AIBU to associate - in my head - love and affection so directly with sex? How important - in your opinion - is sex and affection in your marriage / relationship? I’m terrified of falling foul of my own insecurities regarding how closely I associate sexual rejection with loss of love. Can I self-heal? Long post I know, and I am very grateful to anyone who got this far.

I don't think there's anything wrong with associating love with affection. I need lots of physical affection (cuddles, handholding etc) to feel loved. Dp and I can go for quite long spells without sex since having kids, but it's never a problem because we have daily small acts of physical affection that keep us connected. I DO think that associating affection with sex is dangerous though. I've been in relationships where there was no physical affection unless it was directly part of or leading immediately too sex, and it was really soul crushing. I'd feel so neglected and anxious, constantly questioning if they still cared about me, then we'd have sex and I'd feel fleetingly reassured. If we went through a drought I'd becones very unhappy and see the lack of sex as a huge problem. I've since realised that this is because sex was the only form of affirmation I was receiving that I was cared for. Which leads me to my last point, which is that it's dangerous to associate sex with love. If sex is the only time you feel loved in a relationship, then the person you're with doesn't love you (at least not in a way anyone should accept). Lots of people can have sex with someone they don't love, and be affectionate while they're doing it (especially if the know they won't get any if they aren't). It isn't enough to show they actually care about you. But I think most people would struggled to perform daily acts of physical affection, which don't lead to sex, in a sustained way, unless they sincerely cared.

So (sorry, for the ramble) in summary:

Associating love with affection and sex is a good thing, unless sex is the only form of affection being given.
Sex is not the same as affection and shouldn't be a substitute for it.
Associating sex with love is a bad thing. Love may include sex, but sex does not have to include love. Sex is not a proof of love.

That's my view anyway as informed by my experiences. I'd also recommend not dating again for a while and looking for ways to raise your self esteem before you start. You're right, once the bar drops that low it's easy to lose sight of "normal". I cannot tell you the number of times I've dated someone shit but not been able to see it because they were slightly less shit than the person I'd dated previously. Don't settle for less shit. Less shit =/= good.

Good luck!

You married someone and had 2 children but you never snogged? Not even once? I am confused at the "PDAs" that were so awful everyone got uncomfortable but you've never snogged and he's never held your hand or waist in public?!

I think maybe if you told him you did'nt like to be touched that's why he stopped? Bu tI'm confused as to if he was even touching you to begin with. This is all very odd.

Why did you marry him? Did you actually love him?

Nordic - thank you. I agree with you hence why I'm just trying to unravel this all in my head and whilst I'm on my own. Your insight is very helpful and I will be sure to take more time to find the real me in all this.

Shiny - yes we must have snogged with tongues at some point and yes we managed to conceive two children. But I am starting to believe that STBXH is asexual, and that perhaps I should have worked that out a long time ago. I'm not actually sure whether I was truly in love with him, or he with me, ever. It's an awful predicament to be in, tragic really. I think perhaps it was just a marriage of convenience, and that's really hard to get my head around as I invested so much of myself into the relationship.

Shiny - "am confused at the "PDAs" that were so awful everyone got uncomfortable" - he would paw at my face or try to play with my hair whilst I was holding a conversation with someone. Would play with my fingers / hand on the table when we were sitting with a group of people, I'm naturally tactile but it was a bit excessive to the point of making others around us (I guess when I was introducing him to my friends) a little uncomfortable.

Well that doesn’t even sound like a relationship - why were you with him if he was so withholding of affection and you had to threaten him for children?
If you can’t communicate, support and love then what is the bloody point?

DP and I don’t have he most thrilling sex life ( maybe once every 2 weeks because of medication causing my libido to all but vanish) but we can’t move for the kisses,cuddles,bum touches and hand holding. We hold hands everywhere, my teacher once called it ‘skin hunger’. I could go longer without sex but I couldn’t live without affection.

It kind of sounds like he was a little over eager at the beginning, excited. Then you made him feel ashamed and he didn’t know where in between nothing and PDA to go. Although his PDAs really don’t sound that bad. That being said I don’t know either of you or your relationship so could be v wrong. Am in no way blaming you for telling him to stop either but just offering a thought on what maybe happened.