DH and presents. AIBU?

[blanchedevereauxsbra]

Name changed for this as not sure what to think.

DH went away to European city last weekend to watch football with a good mutual friend of ours. This friend is very solvant (the exact opposite of us) and has form for trying to pay for everything when we are all out together.

DH brought me back some sweet presents. Nothing expensive, just nice little things. He also brought some very cute baby clothes (I'm five months pregnant) I was really happy that he'd made the effort.

However I checked our joint account yesterday and noticed there are no transactions from when he was away. I asked him what he used to buy my presents. He initially tried to say that he'd bought them with other money, but then admitted our friend had bought them.

AIBU to be upset he let our friend pay for my gifts and then passed them off as being from him? I feel he's out of order and also taking advantage of our friend. DH says friend left him no choice, however I went away with same friend last year and just firmly insisted I was buying DH present myself when he offered to pay.

DH says I am overreacting, that it doesn't matter and that we're trying to save money anyway atm I just feel like his attitude right now is seriously shitty!

It's happened and it can't be undone. The thought was there and the friend probably wouldn't take no for an answer. Let it go.

I think your DH is right, you should just enjoy the gifts. As an aside, If he had bought them out of your joint account, how would that feel?

We each have our own money, as well as a joint bills account. This means we can actually buy gifts for each other out of our own money.

The friend would take no for an answer though. I've been in the self same situation with him myself and I just insisted. I strongly suspect DH hasn't even tried!

icky we do have our own accounts too and do usually buy presents each other that way.

I'm just upset he passed off presents as his when they aren't. In reality he got me nothing, our friend did.

He thought of you, choose the items and presumably took them to the till to pay, when the friend insisted on paying. Get over it, I'm sure there are much more important things to worry about.

I wouldn't like it either. He should have bought them himself - just because friend has more money, people shouldn't let him cover more costs than is his fair share. Also a present from your husband is not really a present from him if he doesn't actually buy it! Not telling you was mean - it was taking credit for your friends generosity.

I would buy friend a lovely present to say thank you. He sounds like a generous person and it would be nice for him to feel appreciated.

Well that's the thing IWannaSee The presents weren't from him and he pretended they were.

Of course there are more important things in the scheme of it, but I still think it's pretty poor of him.

I will buy friend a present, although he'll probably be mortified by the whole thing.

He shouldnt have lied but I think it was nice of your friend to get you some gifts. In respect of you being at home pregnant whilst your husband got to go and watch the football with him... id consider it a sweet way of thanking you and saying they were thinking of you.

Your husband really should have said that they were from both of them however.

Why couldn't your friend have bought something for you from him, and let your husband do the same? It's quite controlling to refuse to let someone pay.

Did DH choose the gifts or was that the friend as well? Loads of threads on MN saying it's the thought not the money that counts ...

He probably should have said the friend has paid for them so you could thank him. Nice friend though.

The friend clearly has form for wanting to buy gifts on people's behalf. Some people would say no, like you and some would say okay, like your husband. Neither is wrong. I'd be annoyed with him at the trying to pass them off as his own part though so YANBU at that. But he did get you something. He got the items with the intention of paying for them when the friend jumped in, as he did with you before. So YABU at that part.

I'm sure he chose the presents, even if he didn't end up paying for them. If the friend insisted then he's not being taken advantage of and is just a lovely generous person. I wouldn't be upset.

@Hollowtalk friend isn't in the least bit controlling. He's just generous to a fault. Like I say, he would have backed off if DH had insisted on paying. The fact that didn't happen tells me very clearly that DH happily let him pay.

Tbh DH has form for taking friend for granted a bit. For example he'll deliberately mention concerts etc he wants to go to in front of friend. I know it's because he's waiting for friend to offer to pay. It annoys me!

I know DH will have chosen the gifts, but he also didn't pay for them. Therefore they aren't actually from him at all. It just really pissed me off given that he was off for the weekend while I stayed behind!

I'm willing to let it go though as I'm too hormonal to be bothered with pointless battles.

OP, I would send friend a text saying that you loved the presents but that you think they are from him and that he mustn't let DP be cheeky and let him pay for things.

That way friend will know that you are not like DH.

At some point, your DH's behaviour will be off-putting for friend.

Better to deal wit it with humour now.

Yeah I’d be a bit too. Was the friend expecting a thank you and will be sitting at home miffed that you didn’t acknowledge his gift. If he has form for this, which is strange in itself (your DH is buying his wife a gift, why is he offering to pay), then why didn’t your DH just tell you; ‘here’s something for from the trip, I spent ages choosing them but then ‘Phil’ insisted on paying so I guess they’re from him too haha’. And your DH shouldn’t be accepting a friend paying for something so personal, it’s not a round at the pub. Really odd behaviour from both your DH and the friend.

I’d find your DH behaving like a subtle scrounger/CF quite unpleasant?

I had an ex who’d sit there like a child, whilst letting male friends settle a dinner bill, and it just felt quite unattractive?

I mean I felt they were offering in a kind of “we all volunteer and end up taking turns” way (which I did myself) whilst my ex was just consistently sitting there and letting them cover it.

Similarly, I’m quite generous with friends, but I’ve gone no contact with mates who seem to take the piss and do the whole “heavy hinting” thing?

It’s like they don’t have any self respect?

I don’t mind spontaneously paying more than half of a night out, but I’ve known one who started doing the whole “priming me on how poor he was” before meeting? We’re at similar financial levels btw.

It’s like he was sitting there calculating how to act like Oliver Twist and manipulate me so I would jump in and start offering to cover EVERYTHING.

I just lost all respect for him once I twigged the pattern.

Although quite a charming guy, he seems to have ended up fairly socially isolated as he ages, and I think everyone he knows socially has cottoned onto his ways and dropped him.