To wonder if she's a kleptomaniac?

[TheScientistsIncantation]

This is weird. I feel a bit like I'm going mad...

I've a friend who has looked after my home whilst on holiday, looks after pets if away for the weekend, sometimes stays over when she does this as she lives in a hectic shared house.

She is basically very nice, but messed up (in a just below the surface way), but then so am I so I'm not criticising that aspect... She's also been there for me when no-one else has, as is my oldest friend locally and one of few people I get to spend much time with (working on that).

But things have gone missing. Small, relatively inconsequential things, things where each one might be a coincidence but althogther I'm wondering.

First thing I clearly remember disapearing was a set of pillowcases, still in the packet. Plain, supermarket ones, nothing worth much. So it seemed too weird, I thought I must have got mixed up somehow. I'm SURE I didn't, but not stake-your-life-on-it sure.

Next thing was a top of mine that had been hanging up to dry. Not a particularly nice one or anything, and I'd bought it from a charity shop. I got some weird garbled excuse from her about that, that didn't make sense. But she returned it.

Now, I've noticed that one of a set of 4 matching bowls has disappeared. Again, it seems utterly bizarre to take this - but what else can have happened?

There's some other things too, like one time she washed the duvet cover from the bed she'd slept in but not the sheet or pillowcases (doesn't normally do the laundry). I wondered if someone else had stayed with her and um, dirtied the duvet cover, and she didn't have time to dry, replace it before I was back, or something. Didn't say anything, as would sound bonkers, but was quietly baffled! And a footprint in a weird place that gave the impression someone had climbed in the window... it's impossible to get locked out of my flat. Again, sounds bonkers so didn't mention it.

This is all so weird, am I insane? I live alone and am organised about stuff so normally things don't go missing like this! But I cant be 100% sure about any one thing...

Oh, also, last time she stayed she put a clearly unwashed saucepan back in the cupboard and lied about it. Kept lying when I pointed out it can't have been anyone else. A few days later she looked me in the eye and told me sometimes she does crap things just to get attention - felt as if that was her confession.

I know she has been through hell in her life (I'm amazed she's not more obviously bonkers) so I would like to sort this out nicely, if possible (and she's moving away in a few months so no need to create social awkwardness by cutting off). But also I can't really say anything, as every one little thing could be explained another way, maybe? And being all Hercule Poirot "someone has climbed through this window"! Am I bonkers, or her, or both??

But I've been gaslighted before, usually by men, and it feels like that.

(Also I also have ASD but really subtly - I can read body language well but can't always fathom people's reasoning. But have been taken advantage of before.)

She may have broken one of the bowls, and hoped you wouldn't notice.

That footprint would really freak me out. The bowl could well have been smashed. She could have nicked your top, but that footprint... there's no explanation for that.

Do you ever go to her place? I would be there to see whether my things were there.

Gosh that sounds unpleasant, especially the footprint! Assuming your house isn't a mess (no offence OP) and you can still find stuff normally it seems it must be your friend. If you can trace each weird incident back so she is common I'm sure you're not going bonkers! Personally I wouldn't confront her outright, just subtely make some changes to reduce the time she spends in your home and the number of times she comes round. Perhaps cultivate other friendships too, partly in preparation for her going.

The footprint wasn't on a wondowsill or anything, but it was slightly muddy and facing into the room, half behind a piece of furniture. It wasn't a place or direction where you'd normally stand, and even if you did, there'd surely be other footprints. But if you climbed in the window there wouldn't as you'd have to walk over a rug which would wipe off your shoes.

I feel like a weird paranoid detective! Basically I sound bonkers if I say anything, most people don't notice this stuff...

Perhaps cultivate other friendships too, partly in preparation for her going.
Yeh, been trying to for a while. It's not that easy as I'm at the age where everything has become very coupley with just the oddballs like us left over.

The footprint sounds strange and deliberate like the seeking attention thing she was mentioning. Someone having a difficult life is no excuse for them to treat you badly and this does feel like gaslighting.

This is too much of a coincidence, if she is taking the stuff then she Is stealing from you plain and simple..

If it was me I wouldn't have her in my home at all, not even for a coffee, ...I recommend you keep her out of your home for a length of time and see if stuff is still going missing while it's just you there...(if it is then you can put it down to absentmindedness)

Also if she is sneaking people into your flat that is not right, it's rude to invite someone Into your home and have them stay over without asking you, and secondly she's not thinking of your safety (you don't know who she is letting in)

If you have to see her then meet at her home or a coffee shop...otherwise what will you do if it's something sentimental or valuable that disappears next time?

First thing I clearly remember disapearing was a set of pillowcases, still in the packet. Plain, supermarket ones, nothing worth much. So it seemed too weird, I thought I must have got mixed up somehow

Perhaps she damaged them? Perhaps you did get mixed up.

Next thing was a top of mine that had been hanging up to dry. Not a particularly nice one or anything, and I'd bought it from a charity shop. I got some weird garbled excuse from her about that, that didn't make sense. But she returned it

Did she just grab it without thinking to borrow and forgot, but returned it when you mentioned it?

Now, I've noticed that one of a set of 4 matching bowls has disappeared. Again, it seems utterly bizarre to take this - but what else can have happened?

Could she have broken it or caused damage to it so binned it?

There's some other things too, like one time she washed the duvet cover from the bed she'd slept in but not the sheet or pillowcases (doesn't normally do the laundry).

Any chance she got make up or a facial mask on it, so wanted to clean it but thought the rest of the bedding was ok?

And a footprint in a weird place that gave the impression someone had climbed in the window... it's impossible to get locked out of my flat.

Catching a spider or something innocuous like that?

Oh, also, last time she stayed she put a clearly unwashed saucepan back in the cupboard and lied about it. Kept lying when I pointed out it can't have been anyone else.

Maybe she was embarrassed or perhaps she has different standards of cleaning to you.

A few days later she looked me in the eye and told me sometimes she does crap things just to get attention - felt as if that was her confession

I think you are right. You say you can’t be 100% sure about any one thing so perhaps one or two things can be explained away easily enough, like I have suggested above but if all of these things have happened in a short space of time, it is just too coincidental.

You say you haven’t said anything to her, but I would do. Perhaps she is continuing because she isn’t getting the attention she wants?

It sounds like she might envy you your home. And might be making little passive aggressive actions to express her frustrations.