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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU... Cold Feet

19 replies

HomeisbytheBay · 16/05/2018 11:17

Morning!

I'm due to get married soon, the nerves are starting to build. I'm starting to doubt everything. Is this normal? What is normal 'cold feet' and serious relationship doubts?

DP is an amazing father to our toddler and a really decent guy. I feel so lucky that someone like him has fallen in love with me, he'd do anything for me.

So why do I feel so nervous?

OP posts:

LondonKitty · 16/05/2018 11:23

It is completely normal, but perfectly valid to question things.

I don't know why you feel so nervous - you will need to give more information.

Ask yourself if, in five years time, you would be happier to have pulled out and almost definitely ended the relationship, or to continue as you are, but married (I am assuming here that you are already living together as a family).

Treaclepie19 · 16/05/2018 11:31

I had awful cold feet. If I'd come on here asking for advice, I'd have been told it wasn't what I wanted and I should leave.
It was what I wanted. We've been together nearly 12 years and nearly married for 5.

Only you know the answer here

Original poster

HomeisbytheBay · 16/05/2018 11:49

Thanks! I guess it's just a huge commitment and it's scaring me a bit!

OP posts:

Trinity66 · 16/05/2018 11:52

Congratulations first of all. I didn't feel nervous about actually marrying my DH, that part of it I was as sure as anyone could be that he was the one I wanted to spend my life with. I was nervous about the actual wedding though after all the planing and I'm not a massive fan of being centre of attention

Singlenotsingle · 16/05/2018 11:53

Marriage does give you greater rights and protection. And there's always divorce if it doesn't work out!

Melliegrantfirstlady · 16/05/2018 11:57

I have to say in the past when I’ve had cold feet my instinct was right. Just saying!

mavismcruet · 16/05/2018 12:00

Wedding days are such a big thing, all focused on you. It’s normal to feel jittery.

Ask yourself how you would feel if you called it off and weren’t going to (hopefully) spend the rest of your life together. If that thought makes you want to cry, it’s just nerves. If you love the idea of packing your bags and running for the hills never to see your oh again then maybe you need a rethink!

SunnySomer · 16/05/2018 12:05

To be honest, having a child together you have already decided to be in each other’s lives in the long term.
I don’t know why you have cold feet, maybe it’s because you’re actively having to commit to him and being absolute about anything in the future is quite a scary idea. I think I felt daunted at the prospect too. In some ways it’s good to feel like this - leaping in without giving it any thought is a recipe for disaster.

Biscwit · 16/05/2018 12:41

Do you love him? It’s great that he is a decent guy etc but you need to ask yourself if that’s enough.

For me, in all honesty it, it probably would be! Real life isn’t a fairytale and as a woman you’re far more financially protected by marriage.

IAmMatty · 16/05/2018 12:45

You know what? It isn't the massive decision that it seems to be. You can change your mind later, and loads of people do.

If you love each other and are happy now, that's all you can ask for.

MinnieMinchkin · 16/05/2018 12:55

You say that you are lucky that such a decent guy has fallen in love with you.

A decent guy fell in love with me at one time. I married him.

I am now married to a different decent guy who fell in love with me. The big difference to how I felt in the run up to the wedding day is that I was also in love second time round. Still had nerves, but not the serious doubts.

How do you feel about your decent guy?

Nowisthemonthofmaying · 16/05/2018 13:25

It might help to pose yourself some scenarios in your head to figure out whether it's really cold feet about the man or just nerves about a big event!

So - if you could call off the wedding with no loss of money/worrying about other people BUT could stay with your partner long-term in the same way, would that scare you?

If you could call off the wedding AND the relationship and be in a place where you were over it and single with all the break-up over and done with, would you be happy?

If at the last minute your wedding was cancelled and you just got married the two of you in a registry office on your own, would you still be nervous?

etc etc.

FizzyGreenWater · 16/05/2018 13:27

To be absolutely blunt and entirely practical, you are looking at this completely the wrong way.

You have a toddler. You have made the permanent commitment that matters: you are going to have to be in each other's lives and linked financially and emotionally for a very long time. You're going to have to negotiate that child's childhood and early adult life as a team whether your own relationship continues or not.

Given that, you should absolutely totally marry, because the only thing that new commitment will change is the level of financial protection you have when doing that negotiating. Or him, if he is the lower earner and/or main caregvier for your son.

Splitting up when you have a child is in a way no less complicated than divorcing - you can never have a clean break and walk away- but if you're married, there's protection and a template to follow.

So it's nothing but good!

LooseyInTheSky · 16/05/2018 13:36

Having your child was a much bigger commitment than getting married is!

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 16/05/2018 13:44

You’ve had a child - how can getting married be a bigger commitment than that?!

Seriously I think you just need a sense of perspective!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 16/05/2018 13:48

Having a child with someone is a bigger commitment than marriage!

Felyne · 16/05/2018 13:55

How are you thinking your relationship will change as a result of getting married?
It shouldn't, really, at all. Apart from some legal stuff and a few presents (if you're lucky!) everything should continue pretty much as usual after you get married.
I was nervous about the ceremony (shy introvert me hated being the centre of attention) but not about getting married. I was certain about that.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 16/05/2018 13:57

Ask yourself, how would you feel if he pulled out now?

That's a very good test, IMO.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/05/2018 14:05

I feel so lucky that someone like him has fallen in love with me, he'd do anything for me.

Are you in love with him?

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