To completely stop contact

[Puttingthefootdown]

NC for this.

I'll try keep it as short as pos.

First met ex very young (teens)
He had a child already who he was seeing regularly but didn't pay anything towards their upkeep.
He was working on the side.
At that time I was young and stupid and didn't have anything to go on. So I didn't know much about the world, so to speak. I had problems at home and this man took me under his wing. I obviously fell head over heels and thought he was doing everything the right way. Wrong!

We had children together and he then started claiming benefits and hasn't worked since. He became abusive in all aspects and usless with all his children and their relationship broke down. After me doing all the fighting for him, I gave in and he stopped contact with his first child.

I then got a career and an amazing job and I was able to do so because he lazed around at home. I never worried about child care. But the house was always a mess and he never really brought them up right. He was a dick and he smoked weed regularly. So I did the right thing and left. Organised childcare and moved on.

Met a good man who helped me through everything we have now got a child togther, home and jobs we love.

He also moved on to someone new (who I liked) had a fourth child and still didn't work. They had a home so the children would go (inconsistently) for over nights. I trusted her and she was good with them. He never really bothered and she did all the running around. Again he has never paid and never has any intentions of doing so because he will never work.

He told me himself "Why would he work when the gov pays him."

Anyway fast forward to now, their relationship broke down she kicked him out. He now lives in shared accommodation and has met a married woman with a child within 3 weeks of the split. He has nowhere to have his children and he is so unstable I don't trust him. Niether does any of his ex's, who I am in contact with and the siblings get together as much as possible.

He continues to message me telling me I'm a cow and he has done nothing wrong and he should be able to see his kids when he likes. His relationships have nothing to do with us ect.. You know the same shite.

I've said the only way he will see his children is if its supervised by me and my partner. Untill he gets a job and stable home and proves himself otherwise.

He says no way in hell, and he should be able take them out for the day on his own.
He tells me they will grow up hating me.

I've said no they won't because I haven't stopped contact. I've only given him and option to turn his life around.

He told me he will take me to court. I know he won't because he genuinely will never be arsed to do anything that makes it difficult for him.
I can almost garantuee he won't bother with them now unless I give him what he wants.

The kids haven't even asked after him. My youngest calls my DF dad and my eldest started to grow a disliking to his dad. My DF does absolutely everything for them. He is at every parents day or event and also coaches my eldest rugby team. Provides more than me sometimes. He is amazing.

So my question is.. Given everything and his history would I be doing the right thing in stopping contact unless he sorts himself out. (He won't.)

Because apprently I'm the worst person in the world. Up until he fucked up for the last time, I let him see them whenever he felt like it.

His parents have messaged me to see the kids to which I have agreed aslong as for the first few times its supervised. Because they haven't bothered either untill I stopped contact.

So AIBU?

Even on benefits he should be paying you something.
Let him take you to court. . The dc will have a great relationship with their half siblings, more beneficial than anything he is offering.

My kids are doing amazing and have a brilliant relationship with their stepfather. They do a bunch of sports outside of school and are excelling.
Everything I do is for them which is why I make sure they have a relationship with their siblings.
I feel bad that their biological dad is such a flake. But I do think every child deserves to know their father. Which is why up untill now I have tried to establish that.
I'm considering going to CSA even though the calculator says I'll only get 6 pound a week. I just couldn't be bothered with the hassle up untill now. Also says I'd need to pay 20 quid to set it up. I've quite literally done enough and I'm done!

Maybe letters from cms to his address would remind his latest flames he is a twat and prevent him reproducing further though?

Maybe. Although he goes for the vunerable type so he isn't stupid. Just vile!

He sounds pretty pathetic

However you have no right in law to stop contact until he gets a job. It doesn’t work like that.

I'd let him take you to court. I am firmly of the opinion you are either a parent all the time regardless of what goes on in your life, or you give up the right to demand shit. My ex was dominated by his personal life & him seeing DD was dependent on what was going on at that time. He doesn't see her now. He also doesn't pay & i refused to force it...him being forced to pay still gives him some force in court sadly.

He's a danger to his kids. He brings new people in and out of their life and smokes weed. I've said I want him drug tested before he takes them alone. It's a safety issue. When he was with his ex she made sure they were safe.
Now he is in shared accommodation and has nowhere to take them. Plus if he takes them out alone I wouldn't know what he was telling them or who he is with.
I've phoned the SS on him becuase of all this and they basically told me aslong as they are with me they won't get invovled because its down to me to keep them away.

I've told him to take me to court and make himself stable. I've also offered supervised access.
So I'm following the law. I'm also happy for a judge to make that decision and given his past and situtation I'm sure they would rule supervised too.

@mustbemad17 I'm sorry you went through this too. It's a sucky situation.

Also him getting a job would mean affording a place big enough to have his children safely.

No totally not, I would say unless he gets off him arse and starts trying to make himself to look like a half decent member of society, it's supervised contact or no contact at all.

What are the other women saying/doing?

It makes me angry a person can pretty much resign themselves to a life on benefits with no responsibility for no just cause.

If he can smoke illicit drugs and move on so quickly from a serious relationship(s) with children involved, then I'm sorry but until you're convinced your DC will be cared for it'd be a no.

I would cease contact, if he contacts you keep a record, but apart from that let him do the running. He's not going to be a positive role model for any of his DC. It's sad that a grown man would act in such a way. Long term use of cannabis can lead to mental health issues, but studies suggest getting out there and doing something proactive would help his mental state rather than hinder it.

You're fully justified and need to protect your DC. I'm glad they have a Father figure in DF.

Your ex will reach a stage where the kids will know him for what he is, they won't want to know. That isn't your doing, it's his. I think being united with the other Mums is a good idea as you can be a united front.

Best of luck, we all make mistakes, as long as we learn from them and don't repeat them, that is what matters. You were young, the end result is you have amazing children, plus a career and stable life, which is what they need.

Don’t get me wrong OP. I think he sounds awful

However, living in shared accom and bringing people in and out of rhe children’s grounds will never be ground for a father not seeing his children in the eyes of the law.

The drug taking- unless the law has been involved in the last re the drug taking, then it’s a case of your word against his.

He will get contact. Disappointing but he would.

I wanted a drugs test too, for similar reasons, when we went to mediation - i offered a contact centre so i knew my daughter was safe. He went batshit crazy, which told me what i needed to know.

End of the day you are protecting your kids, & your reasons for wanting supervised access are valid. You aren't currently stopping contact, he is being a prick. I'd tell him if he can't understand your need to protect your kids & work with you, he needs to go & see a solicitor. Odds are if he doesn't work he won't be able to afford one; pretty sure family contact is still currently family matter not criminal, so no legal aid unless DV is involved

Court won’t let him have overnight contact if he’s in shared accommodation as it needs to be a family environment and the children need their own bedroom. I’m speaking from experience.

I could have written the first part of your story. I had exactly the same experience. My ex has 1 child living with his parents, 3 with me and another with someone else. He can only be bothered with the newest child, he seems to be settled with the mother.

6 years I chased him. And waited for him to get his arse into gear and actually ask about his children. Never stopped the contact, like you I gave him an option because his life was so chaotic at the time. He made the wrong choice.

Well, I moved on with my partner, we married, bought a house and had some more children. Last year, my husband adopted my children, it went to court (as my ex was being difficult) but there was no doubt in ours, Cafcas or the judges mind, it was the right thing for the children.

In my opinion, yanbu.

Mediation won't see us because he has two accounts of assault agaisnt me that got dropped (unfortunately because of me) so for my safety they have said he would need to take me to court.

Ss didn't get involved back then because it wasn't a child issue. So its extremely hard trying to get the to listen now.

I've offered supervised with my partner there for all our safety and he isn't having any of it.

He gave in on his oldest child and hasn't seen her for 5 years. I know he will do the same. But I need to think of the childrens safety.

I know I'm not breaking any laws but I still feel incredibly guilty on my children.

When I met him, I had run away from home because my dad had an affair and hit my mum. I also had been sexually assualted. I was a mess. So I was vunerbale.

Its unfortunate that it took me to have my face slapped about to know I was worth more.

Highhorse, he might get some sort of contact order but it won't be what he wants. Just supervised contact in a contact centre. The judge might even ask for the children's opinions, depending on their ages. Obviously it's the children's right to see their father, not vice versa and it sounds as though they don't want to.

Yes stop contact until he actually makes some effort to be a decent dad. You shouldnt have to do all the leg work to make sure your children are seeing someone who takes drugs and hit you.

If he were actually making an effort in a consistent manner my advice would be different... but it seems he expects you to make all the ffort re contact when he has treated you appallingly and basically doesnt want to clean up his act.

It doesnt benefit children to see their mother be taken complete advantage of and to be running around for their wastrel abusive father tbh

If he wants contact let him go through court and set it up himself and then stick to it.

Betting he wont though... he just wants to manipulate you into doing all the work if he can.

Stop feeling guilty. You are not in the wrong. Mediation won't ser you, he won't accept that his lifestyle causes concern. If he won't meet you in the middle - which any decent parent would if it meant seeing their kids - then you have hit stalemate. He chooses the next move; either he bucks his idea up or he goes to court.

Tamingoftheglue massive apologies for jumping on your post but can i ask what sort of things you had to show in court to allow your new partner to adopt your DC? My ex hasn't seen DD in over 5 years, attempts at restarting contact have failed due to him...have a new baby on the way & me & DP are talking about marriage. If we get married i'd like DP to adopt her, but I know the ex will fight it just to be a dick.

Tamingoftheglue, you need to start a new thread please

Why do I need to start a new thread? I was replying to the op with my own experiences and answered her aibu.

Sorry Taming probably because i dared to ask about your comment!

No, don't let him see the kids. Let him start adulting before even trying to be a father.

My ex is a complete deadbeat. He was violent towards me, trashed my home and was arrested and charged several times. I ended up with a non mol order to stop him contacting me. I even managed to get the kids named on it so he couldn't try and see them via their schools etc.

The best part was his solicitor wrote to me asking me to give him parental responsibility for my youngest (he's on the birth certificate but before PR was automatically given) and I wrote back and said that as he has failed to take responsibility for his child and has never bothered learning to parent, then it's a No from me and he can take me to Court if he wishes. I offered contact in a contact centre and was told that 'he doesn't need to be supervised'.

He hasn't seen his kids for four years now. My kids don't want to know him. He paid maintenance for about a year but is now back on benefits so I get a whopping £4 a week for DD2. He also smokes weed and is extremely aggressive.

Be aware that his parents are likely going to facilitate contact between your ex and the dc. I had the same thing and had to resort to supervising my ex IL's too. The last time they came down to see the dc they asked to take DD2 out on her own. As soon as she came home she told me that they had put her on the phone to her dad about 10 minutes after leaving the house. I went absolutely mental at that me and told them it a huge breach of trust and that there was no contact for a reason. DD2 has autism and doesn't need inconsistencies in her life and she doesn't need her 'father' telling her what a fat, lazy cunt her mother is as funnily enough, she finds that extremely upsetting.

I have nothing further to add to the other responses to say to the OP that you sound like an amazing mum who is working really hard to provide a stable and loving environment for your kids. You are awesome.

Your last update on the DV you experienced -

all bets off.

Fuck him.

People who beat up their childrens' mums are not good dads.

If he can be bothered to take you to court I imagine you will be pleased that he can be arsed and will engage fully and continue with your priority - which seems to be keeping them emotionally and physically safe - and they would then see him. No problems there.

So keep on exactly as you are.

Sorry for the late reply..

Thanks so much for your inputs!
@bakingdemon thats really sweet and I appreciate it more than you know. I go back and fourth with my decisions because I lack so much confidence im myself. I have had therapy for the above.
I will leave it as it is and like you say if he decides he wants to sort himself out, its upto him to make that move.

You have no right to restrict what type of contact he can get. He does sound like a bit of an idiot, but if he wanted, he could definitely go to court to get unsupervised contact.